Dr. Matthew Anderson's Weight Loss Blog: Creator of Eating To Kill, Why You Want To Be Fat, and The Coyote Diet

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #36

It has been several weeks since I have written. I have been very sick as well as my baby. All I could do most days was put the baby in the bed with me with toys while I lied down. There was so much congestion I could not breathe and it caused so much head pain I could not read or watch TV. And this lasted for several weeks. My daughter had two serious ear infections at the same time. It has been a very difficult month.

I have felt, and still feel, very guilty for not following through on all my responsibilities. I was unable to be there and be patient for my daughter or husband. I missed eight days of work and I did not follow through with my responsibilities to myself and others in following the program. Why is it that it is not ok to take care of me? Why did I feel that I was just being lazy when I would fall asleep at the computer trying to read or write? Or I was being lazy because lying down was the only way I could deal with the head pain?

I believe this must be tied into my profound sense of unworthiness. I have a profound disconnect from it. I do not realize how little I think of myself. Perhaps that is the cause of the constant feeling I have that something is not quite right. It is like a grey fog that covers and permeates every single moment, perspective, thought, feeling I have: my whole reality, my whole existence. So, every moment that I am awake, I exist in a cloud of uneasiness. My only escape is to disconnect from it in every way possible. Food is my primary choice. I walk around in ignorance (at times blissfully, although not often) of what has caused my overwhelming drive to eat. All that I have been aware of at times is this feeling of uneasiness that follows me everywhere.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like not to exist in this constant fog. How would it feel to be in a fogless space? I do not even have a name for it. Although I have experienced brief moments of bright sunlight, the grey fog curled around the edges ready move in and to permeate every moment once again: always present, always ready. I do not think I have ever existed in or known a purely fogless place.

I want to live in the sunshine. I want to run and feel the wind in my face. I want to live.

But I am so scared.

To become conscious is so painfully scary. How shall I manage such fear without my escape hatch? I am also painfully aware that life is passing me by. At this size there are so many opportunities lost to live life to the fullest. I do not know how or when it happened. Although I had been obese most of my life, at some point I slipped from obese to morbidly obese, to super morbidly obese without even realizing it. And ever so slowly, I did less and less things that I had been able to do before. I had completely shut down any awareness of what was happening to me. It is very easy for me to see how some folks end up not even being able to move out of their bed. I am more terrified of that than I am becoming conscious: thank God! That is a great blessing. It tells me that the fear of my pain and becoming conscious is not my greatest all encompassing fear. It may be the second greatest, but it is not THE greatest. And for that, I have great hope.

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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, welcome back! It sounds like it has been a rough few weeks for you. I am happy you and the baby are feeling better.

You made some significant things about yourself in this section of your journal. Let’s go right to them.

I believe this must be tied into my profound sense of unworthiness. I have a profound disconnect from it. I do not realize how little I think of myself. Perhaps that is the cause of the constant feeling I have that something is not quite right. It is like a grey fog that covers and permeates every single moment, perspective, thought, feeling I have: my whole reality, my whole existence. So, every moment that I am awake, I exist in a cloud of uneasiness. My only escape is to disconnect from it in every way possible. Food is my primary choice. Heidi

Heidi, it seems to me that you are beginning to “connect” to this deep and pervasive feeling and concept about yourself. You have named it and you are describing some of its effects. I know this is difficult but it is the way through this. Your exploration of this will help you clear out the fog.

I have a question for you. It may not be easy to answer but it is worth exploring.

Question: What do you fear feeling and/or seeing when the fog clears? (How has this fog protected you?)

I had completely shut down any awareness of what was happening to me. It is very easy for me to see how some folks end up not even being able to move out of their bed. I am more terrified of that than I am becoming conscious: thank God! That is a great blessing. It tells me that the fear of my pain and becoming conscious is not my greatest all encompassing fear. It may be the second greatest, but it is not THE greatest. And for that, I have great hope. Heidi

Heidi, I too am happy that you have great hope. That is a new and wonderful word in your vocabulary.

Now you stand between 2 fears. One is the fear of being conscious and the pain it might bring you. The second is your fear of slowly disappearing into obesity.

Heidi, have you ever considered that your fear of being conscious is a fear you learned in childhood? Could it be a particular family fear? Were you “taught” that knowing what is really going is too dangerous to face or to handle?

Your fear of being conscious, Heidi, seems as large as your obesity. Your body has come to reflect the size of it. HOWEVER, I am suggesting that this fear is not entirely founded in reality. Being conscious is not as painful, frightening or dangerous as you have been led to believe. In fact, consciousness has many, many positive aspects that are not painful.

I remember an old bumper sticker that read, “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” I think we could change this to read, “If you think being conscious is expensive, try denial and avoidance (fog).”

Another example. I have heard that baby elephants are tethered with a strong rope. However, they become so convinced of its power by the time they reach adulthood that only a small cord is needed. As soon as they feel the tug, they stop moving. A 4000 pound animal is then completely controlled by a tiny rope. Why? Because it has been “trained” that way.

Many of us were “trained” to be phobic about something that may not be inherently dangerous. I suspect that your fear of consciousness is like that.

What do you think?

Peace. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #35

Do you, as an adult, actually believe that a 5 year old child is truly “not-enough” or truly unacceptable to anyone, especially the mother that brought her into this world?

Do you, as an adult, truly believe that a slightly overweight (or overweight at all) child of any age deserves to be branded UNACCEPTABLE AND NOT-ENOUGH?

Will you, as a mother and an adult, think this way about your own dear daughter?
Does any of this sort of logic seem rational, healthy and life-giving to you (as an adult)? Dr. A

The adult understands. I get it. This is not rational thinking. In fact, I know that my mother suffered greatly that I and my brothers had serious self-esteem issues. Just a few days before she died, I apologized to her for all the problems I caused. She told me I was her light. But why did not feel it? Why do I still not feel it?

I am in such pain about this, I do not know what to do with it. I am so scared that no matter what I do, my daughter is going to suffer the same fate as me. My mom loved me like crazy, and yet, I could not really feel it. How am going to keep my daughter from having such deep feelings of unworthiness? How am I going to protect her from me?

I do not know how to get rid of this feeling. How do I get rid of this unworthiness? It seems everywhere I turn these days: I am not doing enough; I am not doing it right; I am not enough; I am unacceptable. It does not matter that I intellectually understand my innate worthiness. I do not believe it; I do not feel it; and, I most certainly do not live it.

YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT YOURSELF AS A CHILD. You were not then and are not now unacceptable. You are enough. Dr. A

This past week, I found myself pausing sometime during my day and telling myself that it was not my fault. Some days, I did it more than once. I do not think it helped at all.

When I was a senior in high school, my mom took me to yet another therapist to figure out what was wrong with me. Both my father and my mother were in a session with me. My father tells the therapist that I was fat on purpose. I was fat to hurt him because I knew how much it hurt him that I was fat. I couldn’t believe what he said. I couldn’t believe him. What did know about my motivations as a teenager? I was just trying to survive.

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Dr. Anderson responds to Heidi

Heidi, lets begin with your comments about your mom.

She told me I was her light. But why did not feel it? Why do I still not feel it? Heidi

Sometimes what a parent feels inside (about a child) and how they actually behave towards that child are very different. I do not doubt what your mom told you here. The difficulty is that you experienced and interpreted something vastly different. You felt (as a child) that you were a problem to her. You could not see that her problems with life and herself really had nothing to do with you. So you concluded that you were at fault. That is what children do in the face of a dysfunctional parent.

Your job now is to confront those decisions and make new ones based on more rational information. That is a central purpose in our work together. Is this easy? Heck no! Are you worth it? Heck yes!

I am so scared that no matter what I do, my daughter is going to suffer the same fate as me. My mom loved me like crazy, and yet, I could not really feel it. How am going to keep my daughter from having such deep feelings of unworthiness? How am I going to protect her from me? Heidi

Every introspective mother has this fear, Heidi. “How do I protect my children from the dysfunction in my original family?” It is a very important question and it has
important answers.

1- Your ability and willingness to even ask this question is a great sign. It means you want to work on it. Individuals who assume they will be different than mom or dad simply by making a surface decision are naive and bound for trouble. No one gets free from this difficulty without some meaningful inner work.

2- It is important to practice clear and loving communication with your daughter. Holding her with tenderness, responding to her with patience and compassion, talking to her with interest, listening to her with care, being involved in her daily life...all these things will definitely matter and help her decide that she is loved by you.

3- It is also important to remember the things your mom did that were painful to you. Remember them in as much detail as you can and then decide to be different in relationship to your child. It may be hard to face the dysfunction in our mom but it is necessary in order to NOT REPEAT IT.

4- This may sound a bit strange at first but it is also important for you to decide that you, Heidi, are lovable. We cannot give what we do not have. Your daughter needs you to love Heidi so that she can love herself.

I do not know how to get rid of this feeling. How do I get rid of this unworthiness? It seems everywhere I turn these days: I am not doing enough; I am not doing it right; I am not enough; I am unacceptable. It does not matter that I intellectually understand my innate worthiness. I do not believe it; I do not feel it; and, I most certainly do not live it. Heidi

Heidi, the answer to this issue is this: Your inability to “see” your own worthiness is a way to hold on to the idea that your mom was not dysfunctional. This is hard to face since you loved your mom so much but it is necessary. You can love her and see her faults at the same time.

My father tells the therapist that I was fat on purpose. I was fat to hurt him because I knew how much it hurt him that I was fat. I couldn’t believe what he said. Heidi

Ouch!!! This one hurts. Your father had what we might call a narcissistic reaction to your weight gain. He decided it was “all about him”. His angry/hurt/blaming comments to you were way out of bounds and very hurtful to you.

I couldn’t believe what he said. Heidi It is time to learn to believe yourself and move away from family interpretations of your behavior, including your weight. Your father was very out of touch with your internal motivations and was sadly wrong about you.

Yes, you were just trying to survive in a very difficult family environment.

Can you step back for a moment and allow yourself to feel for that teenager? Feel some understanding and compassion for her. Feel her pain and her shame and feel how much it hurt that her parents blamed her so energetically for her size. Hold her and tell her that you love her and that you will not stop loving her no matter how large or small she is.

Try this imagery a few times and let me know how it goes. This teen needs you.

God bless you. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #34

Heidi’s Journal #34

I encourage you to look more deeply into the direct and painful effects of immaturity in a family, your own family. Look for how you felt, how it shaped your view of the world, of authorities, of relationships, of self-discipline.......etc. I think this process will help you discover that you do have ample reason for your difficulties in life and with your weight. Dr. A

I have been thinking a lot about my mother lately; she died nine years ago this May. I am remembering how painful it was to go shopping for clothes as a young girl. My mother was frustrated because so few clothes fit. I thought she was disappointed in me. She was so unhappy most of the time. She thought life was supposed to be one way, and it always fell short of her expectations. I guess I was one of the many things that were not where they were supposed to be. I learned then that it was never ok to be where I was at; I had to constantly strive to be and do better. I thought that meant that I was never enough. I was not ok as I was; if I wanted to meet the right guys, be in the right job, in the right school, I had to change if not I would never be successful. I never had a chance to really explore what I wanted or who I was; I was too busy defining myself in relation to her limited ideas of how life should be.

I know she only wanted the best for me: the best life. But it just left me feeling very inadequate. It also left me with a very limited world view. There are only two types of people: the movers and shakers, and everyone else. If you were not one of the “in” people, then you were not successful nor would you be happy. I did not have the self-confidence to even attempt to be a part of that elite group. I did not realize that there were many more ways to be successful and happy.

I know you really mean this. I know you feel full of pain because you still believe this is the terrible truth about you. I wish I could climb into your sad heart and talk lovingly to that little girl who holds so tightly and painfully to this aberration of herself. But that is something you have to do Heidi. You need to go to this very sad little girl and tell her it is not her fault. She was not too sensitive. She was not and is not a failure or weak. Dr. A

I can not tell the little girl that it was not her fault. I really believe that it was my fault. My behavior was my fault. How do I change the belief that it was my fault? I did feel a little something loosen last week, as if a bit of rust was knocked off a very rusted machine; a machine trying to come back to life but the rust is just too thick. I felt better for about two days; I even ate better. Then the anxiousness came back, stronger than before.

I hear that believing my childhood was my own fault is self-destructive thinking, but I do not believe it. How many times do I tell myself it was not my fault before I actually believe it? I am afraid that I have only begun to scratch the surface of how deeply I blame myself for everything.

As I burst into tears my husband asks me what is wrong. I tell him. He hugs me and we cry together. Could this be it? Could this be what has been driving me to eat for 39 years?

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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, the simple answer to your last question, “Could this be what has been driving me to eat for 39 years?” is YES. Yes it is probably a very large part of it. It is clearly a significant part and one that will matter a great deal as you heal it.

Now lets explore what you shared.

I thought she (Mom) was disappointed in me. She was so unhappy most of the time. She thought life was supposed to be one way, and it always fell short of her expectations. I guess I was one of the many things that were not where they were supposed to be. I learned then that it was never ok to be where I was at; I had to constantly strive to be and do better. I thought that meant that I was never enough. I was not ok as I was; Heidi

Your Mom’s unhappiness with her own life got confused with her relationship with you. As all children do, you decided, with a great deal of encouragement by her behavior, that it was your fault. You concluded that Mom thought you were unacceptable as you were and that was that. She was right (in the mind of the little girl that you were then).

Heidi, this is how it works. Our parent’s difficulties get visited on their children and the children then are defined by them. Almost all food addicts (Ok all of them) overeat because of this sort of dysfunctional self-definition. Feeling unacceptable and not-enough is painful, daily, monthly, yearly. If this sad truth is real and also unchangeable then the only solution is to eat to feel better. Nothing changes until the individual (you) discovers the source of the pain and begins to heal it.

I can not tell the little girl that it was not her fault. I really believe that it was my fault. My behavior was my fault. How do I change the belief that it was my fault? I did feel a little something loosen last week, as if a bit of rust was knocked off a very rusted machine; a machine trying to come back to life but the rust is just too thick. I felt better for about two days; I even ate better. Then the anxiousness came back, stronger than before. Heidi

Do you, as an adult, actually believe that a 5 year old child is truly “not-enough” or truly unacceptable to anyone, especially the mother that brought her into this world?

Do you, as an adult, truly believe that a slightly overweight (or overweight at all) child of any age deserves to be branded UNACCEPTABLE AND NOT-ENOUGH?

Will you, as a mother and an adult, think this way about your own dear daughter?

Does any of this sort of logic seem rational, healthy and life-giving to you (as an adult)?

Heidi, the child in you, the child who still feels a desperate need to love her mom, is telling you that it was your fault and that you are inadequate and unacceptable. She needs for you to find a sane and rational adult in you that can reach out to her with compassion.

Imagine for a moment that your own daughter comes to you in 3 or 4 years and says, “Mommy, I am not as tall or as small or as thin as the other girls. Mommy, do you still love me?” What will you say to her, Heidi? I think you will pull her close and tell her that she is wonderful just the way she is and that you and her Daddy and all her family love her just the way she is. Right? Right?

So now, it is time for you to hang in there and trust that those couple of days in which you felt a little ‘rust come off’ will continue to happen if you hold on to this truth: YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT YOURSELF AS A CHILD. You were not then and are not now unacceptable. You are enough.

How many times do I tell myself it was not my fault before I actually believe it? I am afraid that I have only begun to scratch the surface of how deeply I blame myself for everything. Heidi

You do this as many times as it takes. You are worth it. Have you just begun to scratch the surface of how deeply you blame yourself? Maybe, but you are scratching the right surface. You are digging where gold is buried. Keep digging…….and keep crying and hugging your husband. Healing will come.

God bless you. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #33

Heidi’s Journal #33

I am so sad. So, so sad, every time I read the following:

You were a very sensitive and intelligent child and your parents did not seem to be aware that their constant conflict was being absorbed by your little psyche. It was too much to bear and you sought relief in food.

It also seems that your parents were self-absorbed and struggling with each other like unhappy children. That left little time for proper parenting. Thus, you felt lost, ignored and unimportant. You must have also felt very unsafe. There was no adult/parent around to ground you and let you know that the world was not entirely chaotic. Dr. A

When I read that, it is as if there was an actual witness to what I experienced. It seems that my own experience of it is not enough validation that it happened. I feel such a heaviness and I just want to cry. I am crying. I do not know what to do with all of this emotion. I have worked for such a long time to get away from my childhood, to get away, far away, from all that I felt. It still is so confusing for me whenever I try to integrate who I am and how my family is today with the child and family of yesterday. It does not make much sense. That is until you take a closer look at the relationships within the family and of course, at my body size. The relationship between my father and I is much healthier than it has ever been. The relationship between my older brother and I is very strained.

I do not know how to heal from the pain of my childhood. I suppose the first step is to admit that I am still suffering greatly from it. I do not want to admit it. I burst into tears. Why is that so painful to admit? Perhaps it is painful to admit because I do not want to admit that my childhood was difficult. I still do not, can not, believe that it was “that bad”. Why am I in such denial about it? Is it because I feel I am being disloyal? Is it because I was not sexually abused or chained inside a closet? I think my denial ultimately is caused by my deep-seated belief that my painful childhood was my own fault. I let myself care too much about what was happening. It was not “that bad”; I was too sensitive and over-reacted to too many situations that happened in the family. I was too sensitive to comments that were made to me and others. If I was not so sensitive, I would not have been so hurt. I was too weak; I was not strong. I was failure and I did not fit in.

Perhaps it is painful to admit that I am suffering greatly from my childhood because I wanted so much to move past it. I wanted to learn what I could from my childhood and move on. And now I feel I have failed. I did not move on and I am still the lost, confused little girl of so long ago.

So if everything I have done up to this point has not worked, what am I to do? I feel hopeless about this, as if I am a little girl trapped in this large body.

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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, this is actually good news. You are beginning to feel the emotions that you have been eating to kill (manage, avoid). Healing will follow if you hang in there with this.

When I read that, it is as if there was an actual witness to what I experienced. It seems that my own experience of it is not enough validation that it happened. I feel such a heaviness and I just want to cry. I am crying. I do not know what to do with all of this emotion. Heidi

We all need a witness. We need someone to validate the pain we felt as children. It is almost impossible to heal without it. Why? Because as children we cannot bear the pain and our psyche finds a way for us to hide from it to prevent out own destruction. When we grow up (physically) the child within us needs a compassionate adult to help us hold the pain so that we can experience it out and finally find peace.

What to do with your pain now? Cry, Heidi. Cry. Allow your feelings to flow as deeply and as intensely as you want. Be with that pain. Don’t eat it away. It may be hard for a while but it has an end to it. I promise you that. It has an end.

I have worked for such a long time to get away from my childhood, to get away, far away, from all that I felt. Heidi

Sadly, most people who had a painful childhood try to run away from it. All that does is prolong the pain. We can no more run from our childhood than we can run away from our shadow. Our only real choice is to find good support and face the pain. That is what you are doing, Heidi.

I could talk about the dangers of running from pain for pages. It is amazing to me how many of us (a clear majority of Americans) hold to the truly self-destructive idea that childhood pain can be avoided with no consequences. But I will control myself here and just settle for the good news that you, my friend, are not one of those any more. God bless you for your courage.

It still is so confusing for me whenever I try to integrate who I am and how my family is today with the child and family of yesterday. It does not make much sense. That is until you take a closer look at the relationships within the family and of course, at my body size. Heidi

I made your second sentence bold to emphasize the truth you stated. Yes, if you take a closer and more honest look then you can see what really is going on. That is what inner growth is all about. If you look you can see what we like to call the “elephant in the living room” (the family dysfunction that everyone silently agrees to ignore). Once you name the elephant you begin to find sanity.

I still do not, cannot, believe that it was “that bad”. Why am I in such denial about it? Is it because I feel I am being disloyal? Is it because I was not sexually abused or chained inside a closet? I think my denial ultimately is caused by my deep-seated belief that my painful childhood was my own fault. Heidi

Yes, you do blame yourself for your childhood but that actually makes no more sense than blaming yourself for 911 or the Holocaust or for Hurricane Andrew. A child does not cause the dysfunction of the parent......ever.

But you do blame yourself and it is time to put a stop to that kind of self-destructive thinking. Self-blame is a way of surviving childhood. If you want in-depth information about how and why children do this then read Donald Kalsched, THE INNER WORLD OF TRAUMA. Simply put he states that children cannot afford to harm the love object (parent). The love of the parent must be preserved at all costs so when the parent behaves dysfunctionally the child blames herself rather than attack the parent.

This is what you did, Heidi, and to some degree you are still doing it. Time to stop.

I let myself care too much about what was happening. It was not “that bad”; I was too sensitive and over-reacted to too many situations that happened in the family. I was too sensitive to comments that were made to me and others. If I was not so sensitive, I would not have been so hurt. I was too weak; I was not strong. I was failure and I did not fit in.
Heidi

My heart aches as I read each word you have written here. I know you really mean this. I know you feel full of pain because you still believe this is the terrible truth about you. I wish I could climb into your sad heart and talk lovingly to that little girl who holds so tightly and painfully to this aberration of herself. But that is something you have to do Heidi. You need to go to this very sad little girl and tell her it is not her fault. She was not too sensitive. She was not and is not a failure or weak. You need to hold her in your arms and let her cry and tell her you love her and that she does fit....she fits in your heart and that is where she truly belongs.

I hope you will read these words over and over until they become truth for you. You need and deserve to heal. This is the path.

God bless you. Heidi.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #32

I encourage you to look more deeply into the direct and painful effects of immaturity in a family, your own family. Look for how you felt, how it shaped your view of the world, of authorities, of relationships, of self-discipline.......etc. I think this process will help you discover that you do have ample reason for your difficulties in life and with your weight. Dr. A

I can not begin to express how overwhelming this task seems to me. My father paid us a visit this weekend. His memories and mine seem to be from two completely different families. It was the happiest time of his life. I do not remember him being so happy. I remember him being angry or not available.

All week, the more I thought about this topic, the further I descended into a deep, dark, depressed state of mind. I would begin to think about my family and how I felt growing up. Before I had any hope of achieving any clarity, I would drag myself out of the pit. I was afraid that I would immerse myself so deeply; I would not be able to come out. No, I was not suicidal; I just did not want to go there. I did not want to rehash the fights, the hidden eating, the fear and confusion. I did not want to think about the real implications of my childhood shoe story.

I remember this as if it was yesterday. When I was six years old, the soles of my shoes wore out. As the holes got bigger and the balls of my feet got more and more cut up, I began to stuff paper into my shoes. Then the paper would get holes. One day, my mother was on her knees going through my closet. When she saw the shoes, she asked me why was I stuffing my shoes with paper. I told her that we were poor and did not have money for shoes. Then, as if overcome suddenly by gravity of what I had done and said, she collapsed, sitting on the floor of my bedroom crying telling me that we were not poor and why did I think that. This I remember so clearly because it affected my so much.

We were not poor by any stretch of the imagination. My father was a top manager for a major corporation. So why was I walking around with holes in the soles of my shoes and my shoes stuffed with paper? Because my parents fought so much about money, I thought we did not have any. I never asked my parents to buy me anything, even as I got older and I knew we were not poor. There just did not seem to be enough to go round.

How crazy was my house that in first grade I would not ask for what I needed? No one else in my family had holes in their shoes. Why did I not notice that? Perhaps this was the beginning of not asking for what I needed. I am sure I was already sneak eating by that time. In fact I remember eating a whole serving bowl of chocolate mousse she had made for a party. I sat under the formal dining room table, just before the party, eating the mousse with my cupped hand. I was five or six.

I must delve into this even deeper. I hope I am not sucked in to the point of being lost.

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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, I want to respond to what you said last before I go to the first.

I must delve into this even deeper. I hope I am not sucked in to the point of being lost. Heidi

This comment is very important. It indicates a very powerful fear that has probably been with you since you were a child. It is the fear of being lost in the pain and confusion of your childhood. As a child you were definitely not equipped to face or manage this pain. That is why the defense of avoidance was put into place. Now when you consider visiting and exploring that pain the child in you emerges and expresses her fear.

I know you well enough, Heidi, to tell you that your adult Ego strength is sufficient to sustain you through a meaningful investigation of your inner pain. You have what it takes. Will it be easy? No. Can you do it and find healing? Yes, you can. You have many strengths that will sustain you as you approach and experience the ugly truths of your childhood. You can count on yourself in this.

As to your Dad having different memories. I am not surprised. A parent remembers from the vantage point of a parent. This is often dramatically different than what a child remembers. His different perspective, however, must not be seen as an invalidation of yours. Your experience was your experience. Your pain was and is real. You are the one who must explore and validate it. Not your Dad.

I just did not want to go there. I did not want to rehash the fights, the hidden eating, the fear and confusion. I did not want to think about the real implications of my childhood shoe story. Heidi

Yes, your reaction to avoid this pain is normal. However, your refusal to work with it will only perpetuate the results (weight gain) of avoidance. You have been using food to avoid the pain of the past. It is time to make a new choice and go for healing.

You were a very sensitive and intelligent child and your parents did not seem to be aware that their constant conflict was being absorbed by your little psyche. It was too much to bear and you sought relief in food.

It also seems that your parents were self-absorbed and struggling with each other like unhappy children. That left little time for proper parenting. Thus, you felt lost, ignored and unimportant. You must have also felt very unsafe. There was no adult/parent around to ground you and let you know that the world was not entirely chaotic. Food, once again, became a friend, a nurturer and a comfort.

Heidi, you are facing, even here, the pain that has driven you to food since you were a little girl. Keep going. Keep sharing. Keep looking and keep on feeling this. Healing will emerge. You are strong enough to do this.

God bless you. Dr A

TO THE LIMITS OF YOUR LONGING

Dr. Matthew Anderson

www.DrAusa.com
DrA@DrAusa.com

One of the greatest spiritual poets of the last century, Rainer Maria Rilke, wrote these words. Be with them for a moment and see what they do to your soul.

“God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
Go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame
And make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you; beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.”

(from Rilke’s Book Of Hours – Love Poems to God)

God asks us to “Go to the limits of your longing”. To the limits. Of our longing.
And it is that way that He asks us to embody Him.

Question: Do you trust your own longing that much?

Question: Do you ever visit your limits? Do you know the edges of yourself? Have you the courage to risk living this way?

Question: Do you have any desire to embody God in and by the way you live your life?

Question: Do you imagine that truly being alive could be anything less than this?

Now what? “Let everything happen to you”. This means that running and hiding from life is not an option. It means that God created us to be alive, fully alive, and to participate completely in whatever shows up. He, God, asks us to be just like Him, a full participator in all that this life is – beauty and terror.

This idea – let everything happen to you – scares the hell out of most of us. We are certain that we cannot live this way. We want insurance policies for everything. Safety is our creed, protection is our watchword and fear is our guide. We want a manageable life and a quiet neighborhood to come home to and children that never get sick or fail at school or soccer and jobs that pay a good wage and a heart that seldom feels broken or ecstatically in love.

The trouble is God. Yes God is Himself the trouble. He has made a life that cannot possibly be lived the way we try to live it. He has made a life that must be lived the way He lives – full out, full on, fully present.

Full out, full on and fully present is living. This is living. Anything less than this is not, is not living.

Yet we do try, we do try to do it our way and half way and the hard way which we tell ourselves is really the easy way. But it never works and it gets far harder than it often needs to be because we hold on so tightly and don’t breathe and then tense our muscles and our hearts until they spasm out of our control. And we hurt and curse God and feel betrayed or abandoned and completely miss the point and the life itself that calls us to dance.

“Just keep going. No feeling is final. Don’t let yourself lose me.” This means that stopping and hiding and giving in to fear causes us to lose connection to God. It is in constriction that we become lost. Constriction is the disguised toxin that offers us release from fear and hurt but actually produces the very thing it promised to alleviate.

The key, the solution, the antidote, the break-out and break-through choice is to surrender to life. This sort of surrender is not a defeat but a happy embrace. It is not an eyes and head down shuffle but a head back arms open dance. It is an act beyond hope or hopelessness, beyond failure or success. It is a simple, unqualified YES.

“If you believe that
No is where your power is,
Then you have experienced
Only the shadow of power.

The Power
To move mountains.
Heal the sick,
Raise the dead
And
Create aliveness
Exists only in
YES!”

Finally, when all the shouting and suffering and hiding and denying and frantic searching for release has been exhausted you are left with only two choices – YES or NO. No is what you have said up til now. Now try YES.

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #31

"Feeling like giving up is a message from your issues that they want you to stop and return to the status quo. The immature part of you is probably screaming for you to forget this whole thing and just accept being overweight and get on with your life. It just wants to be out of pain, no matter the cost." Dr. A

I feel like I am being smothered by the realization of my mundane immaturity. And I still don’t get it. Well, I think I am getting a glimmer of it, but not much. At least I can write about it. It (immaturity) seems such a simplistic cause of my inaction and inattention to my weight loss process. And yet, at the same time, I am beginning to see it is a very complex cause.

All I have been thinking about all week is: immature. My thoughts are immature, my attitudes are immature and my perspectives are immature. Did I leave anything out? Oh, and my choices and behavior are immature! And my immature part is indeed screaming! Screaming like its life depended on it! It screams: You are not immature; you have your act together in SO many ways! You handle this life in a superior way! You are more Ok than the average individual!

But I am immature, I say. And I repeat it often; quietly, over and over. It is the only way I can seem to begin to face it. It does seem so mundane, so simple and so not me. I am deep and complex and multi-faceted and multi-talented. Don’t I have some deep, dark pain that I am just too afraid to expose, so I stay fat? Don’t I have all these “issues” and “problems” that keep me fat? I find it so difficult to accept that there are probably no “hidden” issues, experiences or deep, dark secrets that are the cause of my weight. After several years of therapy, it is time for me to accept that reality.

So what am I left with? My immaturity is all that is left. It keeps coming up, over and over again. But I just do not want to accept it. How can I have let something like that hold me back? Maturity to face life is something that I logically knew as a 40 year old, 30 year old even as a 22 year old woman. I got a degree, got a job and paid my bills. Why the major disconnect to my inner world?

I am going to assign myself homework for this week. Since I can not seem to get “it” or face “it”, I will carry a little notebook all week and write down every time I have an immature thought, attitude, perspective or choice. I am afraid I will be spending the week with my nose inside the notebook! By doing this, I hope I can see in black and white my immaturity. Otherwise, I am not so sure I will accept it. It is so easy to slip into denial.
.........................................................................................................................................

Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, lets start with your comment about your “act”.

"And my immature part is indeed screaming! Screaming like its life depended on it! It screams: You are not immature; you have your act together in SO many ways! You handle this life in a superior way! You are more Ok than the average individual!" Heidi

Your comments contain a very important clue. Your immature part tells you that you have your act together in so many ways. The clue here is the use of the word ACT.

Yes, you have been working hard to put together an appearance of being completely together....but appearances can be deceiving. An act is not real. It is a fabrication. Getting one’s act together is what teens try to do because they so desperately want to appear cool, hip, sophisticated and competent. But it remains a fabrication.

Your task Heidi is not to create a together act. Your task is to grow up and become the competent, expressive, capable adult that you truly are. For real.

It seems that you were deceived by your own act even though your body has been screaming that something very different has been occurring. (Your weight does not lie.) Instead you listened to the act and then became surprised at the results you were producing.

Heidi, I suspect that this deception was a large 800 pound gorilla that lived in the kitchen and living room of your home as you grew up. Your family was probably plagued with a significant level of immaturity and no one was willing or able to admit or confront it. Thus you learned to do the same.

"It does seem so mundane, so simple and so not me. I am deep and complex and multi-faceted and multi-talented. Don’t I have some deep, dark pain that I am just too afraid to expose, so I stay fat? Don’t I have all these “issues” and “problems” that keep me fat?" Heidi

Heidi, immaturity may sound mundane to you but it can be highly dysfunctional and even down right dangerous if it is pervasive in one’s childhood. A family needs grownups as parents. If parents act, think and feel like children then there is no center, no grounding, no safety, no trustable guidance, no true authority or respect and no clarity about the path to adulthood. Children have to make their own way and thus they almost always grow up physically but not emotionally or intellectually. They develop attitudes, behaviors and emotional reactions to life that to them are adult but in actuality are vaguely camouflaged childishness. And as you know, a child cannot function effectively in this highly complex and stressful world.

You do have a dark pain, Heidi. But you have cloaked it in the word “mundane”. In fact, growing up in a family where immaturity reigns is frightening, confusing and often abusive. You were subject to all of these and each one lefts its mark on you.

I encourage you to look more deeply into the direct and painful effects of immaturity in a family, your own family. Look for how you felt, how it shaped your view of the world, of authorities, of relationships, of self-discipline.......etc. I think this process will help you discover that you do have ample reason for your difficulties in life and with your weight.

Ok, enough for today. God bless you for hanging in there and working this rather difficult issue.

Dr A

ONE REALLY TOUGH QUESTION:

THE MOST LIFE-CHANGING NEW YEARS RESOLUTION EVER

I have one really tough question for you. It may be the most important question you ever answer. Before I ask it, I want to give you some very brief but powerful information. Take it seriously. Your life probably depends on it.

Most people (approximately 90-95%) have almost no f@#$%&*! idea about who they truly are and what they are truly capable of being and becoming. Yes, there are exceptions. We tend to think of them as heroes, saints and generally amazing individuals who have something that we do not have. However, if you think this way you are dead wrong. The truth is everyone has the capability of waking up and becoming a person more wonderful, more accomplished, more creative and more a blessing to the world than they can imagine.

How does this happen? Better yet, how could it happen to you?

It could happen to you if you are willing to give a heartfelt and total answer to the following question:

When will I finally drop my wimpy, childish, grossly inhibited self-image and open my heart and mind to my real God-designed Self?

I am not kidding about this question. Most people never seriously ask the question and fewer seriously answer it. However, the ones who do change the world and I don’t know if you have looked lately but the world could use some help....from you.

A serious answer to my question does not make you selfish or narcissistic. Instead it moves you a giant step closer to becoming the person God put you here to be. That person is more incredible than you can imagine but she or he is what this world needs.

If you are well acquainted with my work then you are probably aware that I feel a particular calling to this subject: Helping individuals wake up to their true and best selves. I have spent quite a bit of energy developing highly effective spiritual and psychological techniques and tools for facilitating this process. I hope that you will take advantage of some or all of them.

To start this process, I am sending you this FREE Self-Test to determine if You Are Asleep At The Wheel Of Your Life. By reading this self-test and applying the homework, you have taken the first steps to creating a more meaningful life for yourself and those around you.

Once you have taken the Self-Test I invite you to continue the process of the Wake Up Call for your own life through my New Year and New You Package.

Here is your self-help wake-up test. Enjoy!

Asleep at the Wheel Checklist

1 I am over 21 and I still have almost all of my parents’ values.

2 I am seldom introspective.

3 I have never gone to therapy and probably never will.

4 I have never read a self-help book.

5 I think I really know who I am in almost every facet of my life.

6 I seldom explore new ideas or belief systems.

7 I still eat the same foods I ate before I was 21.

8 I avoid people who have different values and beliefs than I have.

9 I think this whole idea of the Unconscious is silly. What you see in me is basically all there is.

10 Over the last 5 years I have learned nothing new about myself.

11 When I have difficulties in relationships I usually see the other person’s faults and not my own.

12 I seldom take risks of any kind.

13 I believe that I can achieve all my life goals by the time I am 40.

14 I don’t have exciting life goals. I simply want to get by.

15 I seldom feel inspired or enthused about my life.

16 I am currently living the life my family expected me to live.

17 I have lived in the same city my whole life.

18 I am afraid that really waking up will cause me to make scary changes in my life.

19 I spend most of my time with people who do not challenge me to grow.

20 Safety is more important to me than growth.

21 I know what other people think of me (friends and enemies).

22 I have never attended a self-help workshop or seminar.

Homework

1 Review the list above and notice which points spoke to you. Make a note about

Why.

2 Notice which points made you uncomfortable. Write them down and see if you can identify the real source of discomfort. Assume that there is something for you to learn from that kind of discomfort.

3 Select one item from the “Asleep” list above and create a plan to begin waking up in that area of your life.

4 Take a trip to a large bookstore and visit the self-help section. Browse through the books until a book “grabs” you. Buy it and read it. This is one way your Unconscious will begin to support your waking up process.

For more tough-minded Wake Up tools, please go to www.DrAusa.com or call Dr. Anderson for individual consultation at 561-362-4049.

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #30

I feel like writing that this is my last journal. My husband and I are fighting lot and I can not seem to make significant changes in my life. I keep waiting for the big “AHA!” moment, but it never comes. I have had some moments of clarity, but not enough. It is the same block. The biggest realization I have had is how incredibly immature I am. That revelation assaults me at very corner. Every corner becomes a scene of self-recriminations and further evidence that I do not measure up and that I don’t get it.

I listen to the stories of others who have lost one hundred or more pounds and kept it off and I ask myself what did they get that I have not gotten? What did they figure out that I haven’t been able to figure out? I read, actually devour, their stories looking for some clue as to why these women have done it. What can I learn from them? Eat less and exercise. That is the majority of what I get. Yet, I do not do it. Some talk about a solid decision they made one fateful day to change, and then they do. I do not.

This means that we all need to face our own limitations and then try to include them in our plans and expectations. Life will remain difficult until we make this decision and the changes it requires. Dr. A

So what are my limitations? What is the piece of the puzzle that is missing for me? My thoughts limit me. The thought that not much would change if I lost weight totally discounts how the process itself, of losing weight, would change me. I had been thinking that the same problems, fears and insecurities would still exist even if I lost weight; that they themselves were the issue, not the weight.

I am confused about self-preservation and the continuation of my current dysfunction.

You too often live as if the Laws of Self-Preservation do not apply to you. Dr. A

I am really stumped by this. I understand that if I do not take care of my self, there are negative results. If I do not sleep well more that one night, I start to get sick. But there is so much more, isn’t there? There is so much more to self-care that I do not do, and I am living the negative results on a daily basis. That is why I am feeling and behaving the way I am?

I am not encouraging you to lose weight so that you can “get more things done.” Not at all. That would be a continuation of your current dysfunction. Dr. A

How is getting more things done a continuation of my current dysfunction? Am I expecting too much from myself and others? I do not understand. I thought my dysfunction was that I am disorganized and distracted and can not move as quickly as needed to complete what needs to be done.

I do not know if I have what it takes to “get it”. I guess the only real failure is stopping the process of trying to “get it”.

..............................................................................................................................................

Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, you begin with the following remark:

“I feel like writing that this is my last journal”. Heidi

I hear you. This is a very tough process. It is no wonder that 95% of overweight people fail at weight loss. It is not a piece of cake (I could not resist that one.)

If you did not feel this way at least some of the time I would worry. Feeling like giving up is a message from your issues that they want you to stop and return to the status quo. The immature part of you is probably screaming for you to forget this whole thing and just accept being overweight and get on with your life. However, the immature part of you does not care if you live to see your child get married and have children. It has no concern about the serious hazards of being 200 pounds overweight. It just wants to be out of pain, no matter the cost.

From my point of view, this feeling, this wish for the difficulty to go away is a good sign. It is a sign that you are keeping up the pressure even when things are hard. That is a sign of maturity.

So what are my limitations? What is the piece of the puzzle that is missing for me? My thoughts limit me. The thought that not much would change if I lost weight totally discounts how the process itself, of losing weight, would change me. I had been thinking that the same problems, fears and insecurities would still exist even if I lost weight; that they themselves were the issue, not the weight. Heidi

Heidi, I don’t think a piece of the puzzle is missing for you. You have the information that is relevant and essential (your immaturity). It may sound mundane but in reality it is not. It is extraordinarily destructive to you.

To be immature as an adult in this very complex and difficult world can be devastating. Imagine being thrown overboard in a stormy ocean after you have had only a couple of swimming lessons. Imagine having to perform any complex task (the outcome of which could be life threatening) without proper training or preparation.

I have said this before (and you have not really faced it ) and it may actually be the “missing piece”: American life is very difficult and complex. To survive requires a number of basic life skills. To thrive requires advanced life skills. Maturity is essential to both surviving and thriving.

Most Americans have difficulty coping with the stresses of our society. I understated the facts here. Most Americans are woefully unprepared to face, manage, cope with the complexities of this post-modern existence (much less thrive). In general, we think, feel and act from an early adolescent point of view and level of maturity. Our life-skills are poor and our stress is high. This sad combination produces a rather extreme set of dysfunctional coping mechanisms. This is evident in the quickly accelerating rates of depression, addiction (drugs, food, alcohol, gambling, sex, work, spending,,,,the list is endless), anxiety, obesity, road rage, child abuse, divorce, debt.

Heidi, did you think you were going to be an exception to this rule? Did someone somehow give you the impression that you could handle this life in a superior way? Have you thought of yourself as more Ok than the average individual? If so then your issue of immaturity may have led you astray and you could have found yourself blindsided by life.

Your task now is to admit to your immaturity, not with self-hate but as a simple fact, and then get on with the day-to-day business of growing up in every way you can. Then your weight will become one part of your recovery process.

Waiting for an epiphany will only sustain your current situation. Ordinary maturity will have extraordinary results.

What is your take on this?

God bless you. Dr A

Miraculous Goals For 2008

Do you wake up each day filled with passion about what you will do with your day?

Are you completely dedicated to something that requires you to use all that you are?

When you attempt to describe your future are the words vision, meaning and purpose part of the description?

Are joy, enthusiasm and inspiration your frequent companions?

Sadly, most people cannot answer yes to all four of the questions above. However, most people would like to be able to say yes but do not know exactly what to do to make that a reality in their lives.

If you don’t have the life you would love to live then it may be because you are too much like I used to be. I created expectations that were far below what was actually achievable and then made them come true. I almost lost one of the most fantastic opportunities of my life because of my “small” picture of what I thought I deserved.

In the last 35 years I have discovered that the vast majority of people are individuals who have unrealistically and unconsciously limited their ideas of what they can do with their lives. It is no wonder then that they could not answer an enthusiastic yes to my questions.

I want to support you to set miraculous goals for your life. I hope my story will inspire you to do that.

It was 1972 and I was completing my second year as Associate Pastor of a small church in Massachusetts. A church member who had been my friend and mentor approached me with a question: “Would you like to do counseling and consulting full time”. I said no and that was that.

When I told my wife she became very agitated and started yelling at me. “You are an idiot! Of course you want to do counseling and consulting full time. That is all you dream about. You dearly love counseling and consulting. You love it. Why did you say no to him?”

Upon reflection I had to admit that my wife was right so I spent the next two weeks engaged in an intense inner search for the reasons behind my denial. What I discovered miraculously changed my mind, my work and my future.

I discovered that I did in fact have a dream of being a counselor/consultant but I also had some extremely self-limiting attitudes that blocked the path to the realization of that dream. I felt undeserving and I could not see how I could overcome the obstacles that seemed to block my way. In addition, I had fears about my ability to do well in the profession I dreamed about. (I could go on here but I think you get the point – I was an idiot and I was standing in my own way.)

Finally, I had a breakthrough and decided to return to my mentor/friend and share what I discovered about myself and see what he had in mind. It was one of the best decisions of my entire life.

The mentor/friend was Stan Olsen, co-founder of Digital Equipment Corporation. He suggested that “we” start a non-profit organization dedicated to consulting and counseling and make me the director. I said O.K. and we scheduled our first board meeting.

At the board meeting (Stan and two other men), they announced that they had already made a number of decisions that involved me. Here they are. When I heard them I was astounded.

One. My salary was to be twice what I had been making at the church.

Two. They asked me to list the courses and seminars that would best train me for the work I was to do. I made an extensive list including training in organizational development, small group therapy and a long and involved program in Gestalt therapy.
They said yes to each and every item on my list!

Three. They then “requested” that I go back to school and get my doctorate. They agreed to pay for all expenses for the duration of the program.

Four. Stan Olsen had donated $100,000 to make all this possible.

The point: If I had given in to my self-limiting ideas my life would have been very different and certainly far less satisfying.

The message: Open your mind and heart to your best and highest dreams and say yes to anyone who wants to offer their support. Miracles will follow. Have a miraculous new year.

*If you want more helpful tools and guides for your own inner journey please see the information listed below and visit www.DrAusa.com .