Dr. Matthew Anderson's Weight Loss Blog: Creator of Eating To Kill, Why You Want To Be Fat, and The Coyote Diet

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #37

Question: What do you fear feeling and/or seeing when the fog clears? (How has this fog protected you?) Dr. A

If the fog represents my constant sense of unworthiness, the absence of the fog would mean acceptance of whom I am and where I am in my life. I do not think that I fear feeling accepted by me. What do I fear feeling? I fear feeling utter disappointment. I am afraid that nothing will be good enough, especially me. I fear that underneath the fog is a deep and bitter dissatisfaction with life in general and with me individually. It sounds like I am describing my mother. I remember my mother being very unhappy when I was a young child. She taught us to always strive to be more, to do better. She wanted more out of life: more things and more status. She was frustrated by my father’s inability to rise to the heights of the corporate world. She felt he could be more successful; it was never enough. They fought about money all the time.

Perhaps I absorbed this dynamic into my being. I do not want to have this great dissatisfaction. So instead I have turned this fear that I am like my mother into a general unease that something is wrong with me. I am afraid that I will see myself as my mother when the fog clears. I feel very disloyal writing this; that people will get the wrong impression of my mother. She did the best with what she knew. And she wanted us to be happy and to have the best life possible. She wanted my father to be more successful so that we all would have more opportunities in life. She was not selfish, just shortsighted.

I just did not understand as a young child why everyone was so unhappy and mad most of the time. And we were not very nice to each other, especially my father. I do not want to be like either of my parents. And what if I am? Here I am dealing with the same great insecurity about myself both my parents had about themselves. I have the inherited the same problem; it has only manifested itself in a different way.

I want to rid myself of this. I do not want to be controlled by this anymore. Or God-forbid, pass it on to my daughter.

Many of us were “trained” to be phobic about something that may not be inherently dangerous. I suspect that your fear of consciousness is like that. What do you think? Dr. A.

I think that being conscious in my family was dangerous. My parents focused on my weight to avoid looking at themselves. My mother blamed my father and my father blamed me, my weight and my behavior for our unhappiness. But I realize now that the unhappiness was with themselves. My mother realized it when I was in college. She was always reading self help books trying to figure out what was wrong or how things could be better. During a family therapy session in an inpatient weight loss clinic I attended, she realized that she first had to work on herself instead of trying to fix or change my father or even us kids. My father was only in the family therapy to help me because I was the one with the problem. He did not get it.

I bore the weight for my family’s unconsciousness. I still do. I am in a lot of pain right now. I feel like I am in a deep pit and I do not know how to get out.
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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

If the fog represents my constant sense of unworthiness, the absence of the fog would mean acceptance of whom I am and where I am in my life. I do not think that I fear feeling accepted by me. What do I fear feeling? I fear feeling utter disappointment. I am afraid that nothing will be good enough, especially me. I fear that underneath the fog is a deep and bitter dissatisfaction with life in general and with me individually. It sounds like I am describing my mother. Heidi

Heidi, it seems to me that you are already aware of feeling this way (unworthy, disappointed, nothing good enough). You stated it very clearly. Given your clarity, I suspect that there is something else going on here. It may be about your mother.

It sounds like I am describing my mother. Heidi

Heidi, your mother may be more the issue than your father at this point. Yes, you always had the biggest “problem” and upset with your dad. It was more dramatic and intense and your mom “blamed” your dad also. However, that upset could have been a distraction from what was going on between you and mom.
You may have some resistance to this idea. You may even feel protective of your mother. However, I think it may be time to re-evaluate that relationship and look for what has been hidden.

As you think about this idea, what comes to mind? What do you feel? What memories appear? Lets explore these in more detail.

I think that being conscious in my family was dangerous. My parents focused on my weight to avoid looking at themselves. My mother blamed my father and my father blamed me, my weight and my behavior for our unhappiness. But I realize now that the unhappiness was with themselves. Heidi

The truth is, being conscious is a difficulty in many families. We all have some fear about seeing what is actually going on. However, that fear increases with the degree of dysfunction: More dysfunction means more fear of consciousness.

Becoming conscious, even as an adult, can seem a bit scary because it means that we are doing something disloyal to our family system. We are talking openly about the emperor who has no clothes. If it was the maid or the butler who had no clothes on then there would be no threat. But (in the story) it was the emperor, the most powerful person in the land. To “out” the emperor is a dangerous act. He could retaliate. Every child knows this intuitively.

There is a part of you that is still a frightened and loyal child. It may fear facing or telling the whole truth about mom. But this is part of the path to healing. You can do it.

What is next? Where do you want to take this now?

Peace. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #34

Heidi’s Journal #34

I encourage you to look more deeply into the direct and painful effects of immaturity in a family, your own family. Look for how you felt, how it shaped your view of the world, of authorities, of relationships, of self-discipline.......etc. I think this process will help you discover that you do have ample reason for your difficulties in life and with your weight. Dr. A

I have been thinking a lot about my mother lately; she died nine years ago this May. I am remembering how painful it was to go shopping for clothes as a young girl. My mother was frustrated because so few clothes fit. I thought she was disappointed in me. She was so unhappy most of the time. She thought life was supposed to be one way, and it always fell short of her expectations. I guess I was one of the many things that were not where they were supposed to be. I learned then that it was never ok to be where I was at; I had to constantly strive to be and do better. I thought that meant that I was never enough. I was not ok as I was; if I wanted to meet the right guys, be in the right job, in the right school, I had to change if not I would never be successful. I never had a chance to really explore what I wanted or who I was; I was too busy defining myself in relation to her limited ideas of how life should be.

I know she only wanted the best for me: the best life. But it just left me feeling very inadequate. It also left me with a very limited world view. There are only two types of people: the movers and shakers, and everyone else. If you were not one of the “in” people, then you were not successful nor would you be happy. I did not have the self-confidence to even attempt to be a part of that elite group. I did not realize that there were many more ways to be successful and happy.

I know you really mean this. I know you feel full of pain because you still believe this is the terrible truth about you. I wish I could climb into your sad heart and talk lovingly to that little girl who holds so tightly and painfully to this aberration of herself. But that is something you have to do Heidi. You need to go to this very sad little girl and tell her it is not her fault. She was not too sensitive. She was not and is not a failure or weak. Dr. A

I can not tell the little girl that it was not her fault. I really believe that it was my fault. My behavior was my fault. How do I change the belief that it was my fault? I did feel a little something loosen last week, as if a bit of rust was knocked off a very rusted machine; a machine trying to come back to life but the rust is just too thick. I felt better for about two days; I even ate better. Then the anxiousness came back, stronger than before.

I hear that believing my childhood was my own fault is self-destructive thinking, but I do not believe it. How many times do I tell myself it was not my fault before I actually believe it? I am afraid that I have only begun to scratch the surface of how deeply I blame myself for everything.

As I burst into tears my husband asks me what is wrong. I tell him. He hugs me and we cry together. Could this be it? Could this be what has been driving me to eat for 39 years?

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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, the simple answer to your last question, “Could this be what has been driving me to eat for 39 years?” is YES. Yes it is probably a very large part of it. It is clearly a significant part and one that will matter a great deal as you heal it.

Now lets explore what you shared.

I thought she (Mom) was disappointed in me. She was so unhappy most of the time. She thought life was supposed to be one way, and it always fell short of her expectations. I guess I was one of the many things that were not where they were supposed to be. I learned then that it was never ok to be where I was at; I had to constantly strive to be and do better. I thought that meant that I was never enough. I was not ok as I was; Heidi

Your Mom’s unhappiness with her own life got confused with her relationship with you. As all children do, you decided, with a great deal of encouragement by her behavior, that it was your fault. You concluded that Mom thought you were unacceptable as you were and that was that. She was right (in the mind of the little girl that you were then).

Heidi, this is how it works. Our parent’s difficulties get visited on their children and the children then are defined by them. Almost all food addicts (Ok all of them) overeat because of this sort of dysfunctional self-definition. Feeling unacceptable and not-enough is painful, daily, monthly, yearly. If this sad truth is real and also unchangeable then the only solution is to eat to feel better. Nothing changes until the individual (you) discovers the source of the pain and begins to heal it.

I can not tell the little girl that it was not her fault. I really believe that it was my fault. My behavior was my fault. How do I change the belief that it was my fault? I did feel a little something loosen last week, as if a bit of rust was knocked off a very rusted machine; a machine trying to come back to life but the rust is just too thick. I felt better for about two days; I even ate better. Then the anxiousness came back, stronger than before. Heidi

Do you, as an adult, actually believe that a 5 year old child is truly “not-enough” or truly unacceptable to anyone, especially the mother that brought her into this world?

Do you, as an adult, truly believe that a slightly overweight (or overweight at all) child of any age deserves to be branded UNACCEPTABLE AND NOT-ENOUGH?

Will you, as a mother and an adult, think this way about your own dear daughter?

Does any of this sort of logic seem rational, healthy and life-giving to you (as an adult)?

Heidi, the child in you, the child who still feels a desperate need to love her mom, is telling you that it was your fault and that you are inadequate and unacceptable. She needs for you to find a sane and rational adult in you that can reach out to her with compassion.

Imagine for a moment that your own daughter comes to you in 3 or 4 years and says, “Mommy, I am not as tall or as small or as thin as the other girls. Mommy, do you still love me?” What will you say to her, Heidi? I think you will pull her close and tell her that she is wonderful just the way she is and that you and her Daddy and all her family love her just the way she is. Right? Right?

So now, it is time for you to hang in there and trust that those couple of days in which you felt a little ‘rust come off’ will continue to happen if you hold on to this truth: YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT YOURSELF AS A CHILD. You were not then and are not now unacceptable. You are enough.

How many times do I tell myself it was not my fault before I actually believe it? I am afraid that I have only begun to scratch the surface of how deeply I blame myself for everything. Heidi

You do this as many times as it takes. You are worth it. Have you just begun to scratch the surface of how deeply you blame yourself? Maybe, but you are scratching the right surface. You are digging where gold is buried. Keep digging…….and keep crying and hugging your husband. Healing will come.

God bless you. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #33

Heidi’s Journal #33

I am so sad. So, so sad, every time I read the following:

You were a very sensitive and intelligent child and your parents did not seem to be aware that their constant conflict was being absorbed by your little psyche. It was too much to bear and you sought relief in food.

It also seems that your parents were self-absorbed and struggling with each other like unhappy children. That left little time for proper parenting. Thus, you felt lost, ignored and unimportant. You must have also felt very unsafe. There was no adult/parent around to ground you and let you know that the world was not entirely chaotic. Dr. A

When I read that, it is as if there was an actual witness to what I experienced. It seems that my own experience of it is not enough validation that it happened. I feel such a heaviness and I just want to cry. I am crying. I do not know what to do with all of this emotion. I have worked for such a long time to get away from my childhood, to get away, far away, from all that I felt. It still is so confusing for me whenever I try to integrate who I am and how my family is today with the child and family of yesterday. It does not make much sense. That is until you take a closer look at the relationships within the family and of course, at my body size. The relationship between my father and I is much healthier than it has ever been. The relationship between my older brother and I is very strained.

I do not know how to heal from the pain of my childhood. I suppose the first step is to admit that I am still suffering greatly from it. I do not want to admit it. I burst into tears. Why is that so painful to admit? Perhaps it is painful to admit because I do not want to admit that my childhood was difficult. I still do not, can not, believe that it was “that bad”. Why am I in such denial about it? Is it because I feel I am being disloyal? Is it because I was not sexually abused or chained inside a closet? I think my denial ultimately is caused by my deep-seated belief that my painful childhood was my own fault. I let myself care too much about what was happening. It was not “that bad”; I was too sensitive and over-reacted to too many situations that happened in the family. I was too sensitive to comments that were made to me and others. If I was not so sensitive, I would not have been so hurt. I was too weak; I was not strong. I was failure and I did not fit in.

Perhaps it is painful to admit that I am suffering greatly from my childhood because I wanted so much to move past it. I wanted to learn what I could from my childhood and move on. And now I feel I have failed. I did not move on and I am still the lost, confused little girl of so long ago.

So if everything I have done up to this point has not worked, what am I to do? I feel hopeless about this, as if I am a little girl trapped in this large body.

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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, this is actually good news. You are beginning to feel the emotions that you have been eating to kill (manage, avoid). Healing will follow if you hang in there with this.

When I read that, it is as if there was an actual witness to what I experienced. It seems that my own experience of it is not enough validation that it happened. I feel such a heaviness and I just want to cry. I am crying. I do not know what to do with all of this emotion. Heidi

We all need a witness. We need someone to validate the pain we felt as children. It is almost impossible to heal without it. Why? Because as children we cannot bear the pain and our psyche finds a way for us to hide from it to prevent out own destruction. When we grow up (physically) the child within us needs a compassionate adult to help us hold the pain so that we can experience it out and finally find peace.

What to do with your pain now? Cry, Heidi. Cry. Allow your feelings to flow as deeply and as intensely as you want. Be with that pain. Don’t eat it away. It may be hard for a while but it has an end to it. I promise you that. It has an end.

I have worked for such a long time to get away from my childhood, to get away, far away, from all that I felt. Heidi

Sadly, most people who had a painful childhood try to run away from it. All that does is prolong the pain. We can no more run from our childhood than we can run away from our shadow. Our only real choice is to find good support and face the pain. That is what you are doing, Heidi.

I could talk about the dangers of running from pain for pages. It is amazing to me how many of us (a clear majority of Americans) hold to the truly self-destructive idea that childhood pain can be avoided with no consequences. But I will control myself here and just settle for the good news that you, my friend, are not one of those any more. God bless you for your courage.

It still is so confusing for me whenever I try to integrate who I am and how my family is today with the child and family of yesterday. It does not make much sense. That is until you take a closer look at the relationships within the family and of course, at my body size. Heidi

I made your second sentence bold to emphasize the truth you stated. Yes, if you take a closer and more honest look then you can see what really is going on. That is what inner growth is all about. If you look you can see what we like to call the “elephant in the living room” (the family dysfunction that everyone silently agrees to ignore). Once you name the elephant you begin to find sanity.

I still do not, cannot, believe that it was “that bad”. Why am I in such denial about it? Is it because I feel I am being disloyal? Is it because I was not sexually abused or chained inside a closet? I think my denial ultimately is caused by my deep-seated belief that my painful childhood was my own fault. Heidi

Yes, you do blame yourself for your childhood but that actually makes no more sense than blaming yourself for 911 or the Holocaust or for Hurricane Andrew. A child does not cause the dysfunction of the parent......ever.

But you do blame yourself and it is time to put a stop to that kind of self-destructive thinking. Self-blame is a way of surviving childhood. If you want in-depth information about how and why children do this then read Donald Kalsched, THE INNER WORLD OF TRAUMA. Simply put he states that children cannot afford to harm the love object (parent). The love of the parent must be preserved at all costs so when the parent behaves dysfunctionally the child blames herself rather than attack the parent.

This is what you did, Heidi, and to some degree you are still doing it. Time to stop.

I let myself care too much about what was happening. It was not “that bad”; I was too sensitive and over-reacted to too many situations that happened in the family. I was too sensitive to comments that were made to me and others. If I was not so sensitive, I would not have been so hurt. I was too weak; I was not strong. I was failure and I did not fit in.
Heidi

My heart aches as I read each word you have written here. I know you really mean this. I know you feel full of pain because you still believe this is the terrible truth about you. I wish I could climb into your sad heart and talk lovingly to that little girl who holds so tightly and painfully to this aberration of herself. But that is something you have to do Heidi. You need to go to this very sad little girl and tell her it is not her fault. She was not too sensitive. She was not and is not a failure or weak. You need to hold her in your arms and let her cry and tell her you love her and that she does fit....she fits in your heart and that is where she truly belongs.

I hope you will read these words over and over until they become truth for you. You need and deserve to heal. This is the path.

God bless you. Heidi.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #32

I encourage you to look more deeply into the direct and painful effects of immaturity in a family, your own family. Look for how you felt, how it shaped your view of the world, of authorities, of relationships, of self-discipline.......etc. I think this process will help you discover that you do have ample reason for your difficulties in life and with your weight. Dr. A

I can not begin to express how overwhelming this task seems to me. My father paid us a visit this weekend. His memories and mine seem to be from two completely different families. It was the happiest time of his life. I do not remember him being so happy. I remember him being angry or not available.

All week, the more I thought about this topic, the further I descended into a deep, dark, depressed state of mind. I would begin to think about my family and how I felt growing up. Before I had any hope of achieving any clarity, I would drag myself out of the pit. I was afraid that I would immerse myself so deeply; I would not be able to come out. No, I was not suicidal; I just did not want to go there. I did not want to rehash the fights, the hidden eating, the fear and confusion. I did not want to think about the real implications of my childhood shoe story.

I remember this as if it was yesterday. When I was six years old, the soles of my shoes wore out. As the holes got bigger and the balls of my feet got more and more cut up, I began to stuff paper into my shoes. Then the paper would get holes. One day, my mother was on her knees going through my closet. When she saw the shoes, she asked me why was I stuffing my shoes with paper. I told her that we were poor and did not have money for shoes. Then, as if overcome suddenly by gravity of what I had done and said, she collapsed, sitting on the floor of my bedroom crying telling me that we were not poor and why did I think that. This I remember so clearly because it affected my so much.

We were not poor by any stretch of the imagination. My father was a top manager for a major corporation. So why was I walking around with holes in the soles of my shoes and my shoes stuffed with paper? Because my parents fought so much about money, I thought we did not have any. I never asked my parents to buy me anything, even as I got older and I knew we were not poor. There just did not seem to be enough to go round.

How crazy was my house that in first grade I would not ask for what I needed? No one else in my family had holes in their shoes. Why did I not notice that? Perhaps this was the beginning of not asking for what I needed. I am sure I was already sneak eating by that time. In fact I remember eating a whole serving bowl of chocolate mousse she had made for a party. I sat under the formal dining room table, just before the party, eating the mousse with my cupped hand. I was five or six.

I must delve into this even deeper. I hope I am not sucked in to the point of being lost.

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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, I want to respond to what you said last before I go to the first.

I must delve into this even deeper. I hope I am not sucked in to the point of being lost. Heidi

This comment is very important. It indicates a very powerful fear that has probably been with you since you were a child. It is the fear of being lost in the pain and confusion of your childhood. As a child you were definitely not equipped to face or manage this pain. That is why the defense of avoidance was put into place. Now when you consider visiting and exploring that pain the child in you emerges and expresses her fear.

I know you well enough, Heidi, to tell you that your adult Ego strength is sufficient to sustain you through a meaningful investigation of your inner pain. You have what it takes. Will it be easy? No. Can you do it and find healing? Yes, you can. You have many strengths that will sustain you as you approach and experience the ugly truths of your childhood. You can count on yourself in this.

As to your Dad having different memories. I am not surprised. A parent remembers from the vantage point of a parent. This is often dramatically different than what a child remembers. His different perspective, however, must not be seen as an invalidation of yours. Your experience was your experience. Your pain was and is real. You are the one who must explore and validate it. Not your Dad.

I just did not want to go there. I did not want to rehash the fights, the hidden eating, the fear and confusion. I did not want to think about the real implications of my childhood shoe story. Heidi

Yes, your reaction to avoid this pain is normal. However, your refusal to work with it will only perpetuate the results (weight gain) of avoidance. You have been using food to avoid the pain of the past. It is time to make a new choice and go for healing.

You were a very sensitive and intelligent child and your parents did not seem to be aware that their constant conflict was being absorbed by your little psyche. It was too much to bear and you sought relief in food.

It also seems that your parents were self-absorbed and struggling with each other like unhappy children. That left little time for proper parenting. Thus, you felt lost, ignored and unimportant. You must have also felt very unsafe. There was no adult/parent around to ground you and let you know that the world was not entirely chaotic. Food, once again, became a friend, a nurturer and a comfort.

Heidi, you are facing, even here, the pain that has driven you to food since you were a little girl. Keep going. Keep sharing. Keep looking and keep on feeling this. Healing will emerge. You are strong enough to do this.

God bless you. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #31

"Feeling like giving up is a message from your issues that they want you to stop and return to the status quo. The immature part of you is probably screaming for you to forget this whole thing and just accept being overweight and get on with your life. It just wants to be out of pain, no matter the cost." Dr. A

I feel like I am being smothered by the realization of my mundane immaturity. And I still don’t get it. Well, I think I am getting a glimmer of it, but not much. At least I can write about it. It (immaturity) seems such a simplistic cause of my inaction and inattention to my weight loss process. And yet, at the same time, I am beginning to see it is a very complex cause.

All I have been thinking about all week is: immature. My thoughts are immature, my attitudes are immature and my perspectives are immature. Did I leave anything out? Oh, and my choices and behavior are immature! And my immature part is indeed screaming! Screaming like its life depended on it! It screams: You are not immature; you have your act together in SO many ways! You handle this life in a superior way! You are more Ok than the average individual!

But I am immature, I say. And I repeat it often; quietly, over and over. It is the only way I can seem to begin to face it. It does seem so mundane, so simple and so not me. I am deep and complex and multi-faceted and multi-talented. Don’t I have some deep, dark pain that I am just too afraid to expose, so I stay fat? Don’t I have all these “issues” and “problems” that keep me fat? I find it so difficult to accept that there are probably no “hidden” issues, experiences or deep, dark secrets that are the cause of my weight. After several years of therapy, it is time for me to accept that reality.

So what am I left with? My immaturity is all that is left. It keeps coming up, over and over again. But I just do not want to accept it. How can I have let something like that hold me back? Maturity to face life is something that I logically knew as a 40 year old, 30 year old even as a 22 year old woman. I got a degree, got a job and paid my bills. Why the major disconnect to my inner world?

I am going to assign myself homework for this week. Since I can not seem to get “it” or face “it”, I will carry a little notebook all week and write down every time I have an immature thought, attitude, perspective or choice. I am afraid I will be spending the week with my nose inside the notebook! By doing this, I hope I can see in black and white my immaturity. Otherwise, I am not so sure I will accept it. It is so easy to slip into denial.
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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, lets start with your comment about your “act”.

"And my immature part is indeed screaming! Screaming like its life depended on it! It screams: You are not immature; you have your act together in SO many ways! You handle this life in a superior way! You are more Ok than the average individual!" Heidi

Your comments contain a very important clue. Your immature part tells you that you have your act together in so many ways. The clue here is the use of the word ACT.

Yes, you have been working hard to put together an appearance of being completely together....but appearances can be deceiving. An act is not real. It is a fabrication. Getting one’s act together is what teens try to do because they so desperately want to appear cool, hip, sophisticated and competent. But it remains a fabrication.

Your task Heidi is not to create a together act. Your task is to grow up and become the competent, expressive, capable adult that you truly are. For real.

It seems that you were deceived by your own act even though your body has been screaming that something very different has been occurring. (Your weight does not lie.) Instead you listened to the act and then became surprised at the results you were producing.

Heidi, I suspect that this deception was a large 800 pound gorilla that lived in the kitchen and living room of your home as you grew up. Your family was probably plagued with a significant level of immaturity and no one was willing or able to admit or confront it. Thus you learned to do the same.

"It does seem so mundane, so simple and so not me. I am deep and complex and multi-faceted and multi-talented. Don’t I have some deep, dark pain that I am just too afraid to expose, so I stay fat? Don’t I have all these “issues” and “problems” that keep me fat?" Heidi

Heidi, immaturity may sound mundane to you but it can be highly dysfunctional and even down right dangerous if it is pervasive in one’s childhood. A family needs grownups as parents. If parents act, think and feel like children then there is no center, no grounding, no safety, no trustable guidance, no true authority or respect and no clarity about the path to adulthood. Children have to make their own way and thus they almost always grow up physically but not emotionally or intellectually. They develop attitudes, behaviors and emotional reactions to life that to them are adult but in actuality are vaguely camouflaged childishness. And as you know, a child cannot function effectively in this highly complex and stressful world.

You do have a dark pain, Heidi. But you have cloaked it in the word “mundane”. In fact, growing up in a family where immaturity reigns is frightening, confusing and often abusive. You were subject to all of these and each one lefts its mark on you.

I encourage you to look more deeply into the direct and painful effects of immaturity in a family, your own family. Look for how you felt, how it shaped your view of the world, of authorities, of relationships, of self-discipline.......etc. I think this process will help you discover that you do have ample reason for your difficulties in life and with your weight.

Ok, enough for today. God bless you for hanging in there and working this rather difficult issue.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #30

I feel like writing that this is my last journal. My husband and I are fighting lot and I can not seem to make significant changes in my life. I keep waiting for the big “AHA!” moment, but it never comes. I have had some moments of clarity, but not enough. It is the same block. The biggest realization I have had is how incredibly immature I am. That revelation assaults me at very corner. Every corner becomes a scene of self-recriminations and further evidence that I do not measure up and that I don’t get it.

I listen to the stories of others who have lost one hundred or more pounds and kept it off and I ask myself what did they get that I have not gotten? What did they figure out that I haven’t been able to figure out? I read, actually devour, their stories looking for some clue as to why these women have done it. What can I learn from them? Eat less and exercise. That is the majority of what I get. Yet, I do not do it. Some talk about a solid decision they made one fateful day to change, and then they do. I do not.

This means that we all need to face our own limitations and then try to include them in our plans and expectations. Life will remain difficult until we make this decision and the changes it requires. Dr. A

So what are my limitations? What is the piece of the puzzle that is missing for me? My thoughts limit me. The thought that not much would change if I lost weight totally discounts how the process itself, of losing weight, would change me. I had been thinking that the same problems, fears and insecurities would still exist even if I lost weight; that they themselves were the issue, not the weight.

I am confused about self-preservation and the continuation of my current dysfunction.

You too often live as if the Laws of Self-Preservation do not apply to you. Dr. A

I am really stumped by this. I understand that if I do not take care of my self, there are negative results. If I do not sleep well more that one night, I start to get sick. But there is so much more, isn’t there? There is so much more to self-care that I do not do, and I am living the negative results on a daily basis. That is why I am feeling and behaving the way I am?

I am not encouraging you to lose weight so that you can “get more things done.” Not at all. That would be a continuation of your current dysfunction. Dr. A

How is getting more things done a continuation of my current dysfunction? Am I expecting too much from myself and others? I do not understand. I thought my dysfunction was that I am disorganized and distracted and can not move as quickly as needed to complete what needs to be done.

I do not know if I have what it takes to “get it”. I guess the only real failure is stopping the process of trying to “get it”.

..............................................................................................................................................

Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, you begin with the following remark:

“I feel like writing that this is my last journal”. Heidi

I hear you. This is a very tough process. It is no wonder that 95% of overweight people fail at weight loss. It is not a piece of cake (I could not resist that one.)

If you did not feel this way at least some of the time I would worry. Feeling like giving up is a message from your issues that they want you to stop and return to the status quo. The immature part of you is probably screaming for you to forget this whole thing and just accept being overweight and get on with your life. However, the immature part of you does not care if you live to see your child get married and have children. It has no concern about the serious hazards of being 200 pounds overweight. It just wants to be out of pain, no matter the cost.

From my point of view, this feeling, this wish for the difficulty to go away is a good sign. It is a sign that you are keeping up the pressure even when things are hard. That is a sign of maturity.

So what are my limitations? What is the piece of the puzzle that is missing for me? My thoughts limit me. The thought that not much would change if I lost weight totally discounts how the process itself, of losing weight, would change me. I had been thinking that the same problems, fears and insecurities would still exist even if I lost weight; that they themselves were the issue, not the weight. Heidi

Heidi, I don’t think a piece of the puzzle is missing for you. You have the information that is relevant and essential (your immaturity). It may sound mundane but in reality it is not. It is extraordinarily destructive to you.

To be immature as an adult in this very complex and difficult world can be devastating. Imagine being thrown overboard in a stormy ocean after you have had only a couple of swimming lessons. Imagine having to perform any complex task (the outcome of which could be life threatening) without proper training or preparation.

I have said this before (and you have not really faced it ) and it may actually be the “missing piece”: American life is very difficult and complex. To survive requires a number of basic life skills. To thrive requires advanced life skills. Maturity is essential to both surviving and thriving.

Most Americans have difficulty coping with the stresses of our society. I understated the facts here. Most Americans are woefully unprepared to face, manage, cope with the complexities of this post-modern existence (much less thrive). In general, we think, feel and act from an early adolescent point of view and level of maturity. Our life-skills are poor and our stress is high. This sad combination produces a rather extreme set of dysfunctional coping mechanisms. This is evident in the quickly accelerating rates of depression, addiction (drugs, food, alcohol, gambling, sex, work, spending,,,,the list is endless), anxiety, obesity, road rage, child abuse, divorce, debt.

Heidi, did you think you were going to be an exception to this rule? Did someone somehow give you the impression that you could handle this life in a superior way? Have you thought of yourself as more Ok than the average individual? If so then your issue of immaturity may have led you astray and you could have found yourself blindsided by life.

Your task now is to admit to your immaturity, not with self-hate but as a simple fact, and then get on with the day-to-day business of growing up in every way you can. Then your weight will become one part of your recovery process.

Waiting for an epiphany will only sustain your current situation. Ordinary maturity will have extraordinary results.

What is your take on this?

God bless you. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #29

I have been very depressed this week. I was sad and overwhelmed. I did not want to go see my family that came from out of town or to celebrate Christmas Eve with them. I needed help to finish preparing for Christmas day. I asked my husband to help with some errands for our party on Christmas day and help with the baby. He was mad that he had to help when he got home from work on Christmas Eve.

He had a meltdown and said he did not want to go to Christmas Eve dinner at my brother’s place. I told him fine. I think he was surprised that I did not react. I was ambivalent about going, even though Christmas Eve is my family’s traditional night to celebrate. Then we talked. I calmly told him that I do the best I can in managing all my responsibilities: the house, baby, my needs, his needs. I do not measure up or keep up with all that needs to be done. I am disorganized and tired, a terribly combination. He thinks I am lazy. I told him that I had had to adjust my expectations concerning him. He was surprised and asked me which expectations. I also told him that I would not change anything about him because I love him as he is faults and all. He said maybe he needed to go see Matthew (Dr. A).

We ended up going to see my family that night, and he and I were closer. We had Christmas morning with our baby, then, as a team, we finished preparing our house for Christmas day dinner with my family.

Needless to say, but with all this drama, taking care of myself took a major backseat. Aside from asking my husband to watch the baby so I could spend a few moments for myself, I was busy with all the preparations. I went to weigh myself again this week, but the scale was still broken. I have no idea what I weigh, but I do know that I have gained some weight. I have enjoyed moments with my family, as well as with my extended family. And I have taken many deep breaths. I still feel incompetent and misunderstood. I feel that I can not meet other people’s expectations of me or my expectations of myself. And I wonder how much would really change if I lost weight. I suppose I might have more energy to get more things done, but I do not think that is the real issue.

Something is changing in me yet again. I feel that this depression that I have is leading me some new place. I know that I can not continue to feel and live this way.

………………………………......................................................................................................

Dr Anderson responds to Heidi

Heidi, you do not sound depressed to me. You sound “sad and overwhelmed”. This is not strange for food addicts during holidays. You and hubby both seem to be overworked and overstressed. The solution is to simplify your lives. That is a tall order ion today’s world but it is the answer. We cannot live an overworked and stressed life and expect to feel happy and relaxed. It just will not happen.

As I often say to clients, “If you put your hand in the fire you will get burned. You cannot have it any other way.” This means that we all need to face our own limitations and then try to include them in our plans and expectations. Life will remain difficult until we make this decision and the changes it requires.

Remember the popular definition of neurotic: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.

We ended up going to see my family that night, and he and I were closer. We had Christmas morning with our baby, then, as a team, we finished preparing our house for Christmas day dinner with my family. Heidi

Your communication made this happen. You and hubby took a difficult situation and turned it around by talking honestly and vulnerably. It cleared the air and made it possible to re-connect as adults who love each other. Good for both of you!!! Remember this and keep communicating.

Needless to say, but with all this drama, taking care of myself took a major backseat. Heidi

Heidi, I think you got this one backwards. It would be more accurate to say “not taking care of myself creates drama.”

Avoiding responsibility for self-care will always produce negative results. It is important to acknowledge this and accept it as truth that does not waver or change. It seems that you still have not truly faced this fact. You too often live as if the Laws of Self-Preservation do not apply to you.

If you do not like drama, conflict with hubby, difficulties with family, being significantly overweight then you will have to make changes. Meaningful changes. If you do not then expect to feel an intense burning sensation (see above).

And I wonder how much would really change if I lost weight. I suppose I might have more energy to get more things done, but I do not think that is the real issue. Heidi

Heidi, this comment is very telling. You believe that losing weight will not change anything……..so therefore you do not lose weight. The truth is, losing weight will require great changes in you and those changes will lead to even more change. The difference will be dramatic.

I am not encouraging you to lose weight so that you can “get more things done.” Not at all. That would be a continuation of your current dysfunction.

I am encouraging you to lose weight so that you can explore and express the real and wonderful Heidi. Nothing more and nothing less.

Are you ready for the real and wonderful Heidi???

God bless you. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #28

There is a part of you that is the same age as your students and it feels “misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent”.

Can you get to know it?

Can you have a dialogue with it and explore how she feels and what she really wants (especially from you)? You meet this part of you every day at work. ~ Dr. Anderson

I spent the better part of my childhood feeling misunderstood, disrespected and misunderstood. I can’t do this right now.

I want to do this assignment, but I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. Actually, I have been overwhelmed the last three weeks. My baby was sick, first with the flu and high fever and then with an intestinal virus that lasted for two weeks. Then I became sick. I am so tired.

Work is more demanding because it is the end of the semester and my students have final exams before Christmas break. Then, there is of course, getting ready for the holidays and for all of my family coming into town.

Oh, and let’s not forget my husband and his needs! I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions, and that I am not competent with any of my responsibilities. This is the second week I do not weigh myself. I have to go to a store to weigh myself and the one time I made it there in last two weeks the machine was broken. I have only been able to log in to the support board a few times and did not even post.

I feel like a fourteen year old trying to manage a 41 year old’s life. When my fourteen year old (who is trying so hard to act so mature) meets up with the fourteen year olds in my classroom who are acting immature, that is where most of my challenges with my students occur. My fourteen year old just wants the other fourteen year olds to be on her side and to help her out. When she doesn’t get it, she lashes out.

I can not answer right now what my fourteen year old wants from me. I am the fourteen year old right now. I have been for most of the week. And my fourteen year old wants to have fun and be free from worry and fear. She wants to feel well. It is a challenge to be mature when I do not feel well.

I am tired and all I can think about is going to sleep. I might also be dealing with a bit of depression. I am just tired of feeling tired. I want to wake up excited to meet the day. And I am just not there.

……………………………….....................................................................................................................

Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, your comment (see below) is right on. These statements contain what I believe is the essence of your food addiction. Take a look.

"I feel like a fourteen year old trying to manage a 41 year old’s life. When my fourteen year old (who is trying so hard to act so mature) meets up with the fourteen year olds in my classroom who are acting immature, that is where most of my challenges with my students occur. My fourteen year old just wants the other fourteen year olds to be on her side and to help her out. When she doesn’t get it, she lashes out." Heidi

It is my experience that many, if not most, food addicts (and probably all addicts) feel like children or adolescents in adult bodies. The reality is life is incredibly complex in our post-modern society. We are faced with hundreds of decisions every day and we are not capable of managing them. The truth is, even if we felt like adults in adults bodies we would be very stressed by the complexity of this life.

Our technology has outdistanced our ability to cope with what it has produced. Things move faster than we can absorb and integrate and often even understand. We wake up and see (on TV or computer screen) dozens of extreme problems in our state, our country and the world. War, starvation, flooding, environmental catastrophe, political struggles, just to name the few that show up during the first cup of coffee.

Then we get dressed and go out to meet our work and our families. The complexities multiply and with each one the demands on our time, money and emotions. No wonder we want to eat our way to oblivion.

I mention all this to affirm your reality. Yes, you are living in a stressful world and feeling like a 14 year old in adult disguise makes it even more difficult.

Is there anything you can do about this?

I have no friggin’ idea!

Just kidding. Sort of. I do have ideas that work for me and many of my clients. I have listed a few below. Give them a try this week.

I have been thinking about writing a book on this subject. My current working title is

HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE TIME OF FUBAR. Fubar is an acronym from the Second World War (see Saving Private Ryan). It means F…ed Up Beyond All Recognition.

HTSITTOF

1- Face it. Life is complex and stressful for everyone and you did not make this up. Anyone who says or thinks it is not is living in Lalaland and is in need of some very good meds.

2- Take deep breaths. A lot. This may actually save the life of a few of those difficult 14 year olds you try to teach. It may also keep you out of jail.

3- Say this mantra as you do the breathing I mentioned in guideline above: I let go and let God. (He made it so let Him handle it.)

4- Learn to ask for help and stop confusing this with weakness or entitlement. Just do it.

5- Set realistic goals and forget about getting everything done. It will never happen. Just getting close will be more than fine.

6- Find some compassion for yourself and for all the rest of us. We are truly doing the best that we can with the light that we have.

Now go and be at peace (for at least a couple of moments).

God bless you. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal - Week 27

Then take a look at the 3 powerful words you mentioned.

“misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent”

When and where did these words and the pain that they represent begin for you?

Did someone “teach” you how to deal with or act them out them by using “witty banter”?

What qualities does this particular student have that might activate these feelings in you? ~Dr. Anderson

Misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent are three words that best describe the theme of my early life. But if I am to be honest, is an underlying theme of my adult life as well. In light of last week’s journal, this most recent experience with one of my students is indicative that “misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent” is alive and well in my psyche.

I unconsciously learned at a very early age that life within and without my family was about being misunderstood. My mother did not understand my father and my father did not understand my mother. My mother used to say that she thought there was a “china man” (my mother’s native language was Spanish) living between her and my father. She would say something and my father heard the “china man” and when my father spoke, she heard the “china man”. Since neither of my parents spoke Chinese, they never understood one another. Now, although we never talked about it, that “china man” was talking for the whole family! We (the children) never understood our parents and they certainly did not understand us, although they desperately tried in their own limited way.

All this misunderstanding led to feeling disrespected fairly consistently. It is hard to respect what you do not understand and that takes much maturity. Maturity was another quality that was severely lacking in our family. Looking back, it’s a wonder we made through all those years. My parents felt incompetent in most areas of their lives. I know they both struggled at times with feeling competent in their professional lives. She spoke about her and my father’s issues at work.

She also spoke with me the about their struggles with feeling competent as parents. She told me that she and my father took each of us to a psychiatrist when we were each very young. After they took the third child to see a psychiatrist, they were told the exact same thing about my little brother that was told to them when they first took my older brother then me: he, just like his sister and brother before him was suffering from low self-esteem. I think my mother realized at the time the problem in the family originated with her and my dad, but she was too limited in getting the help she needed to help all of us.

So these three powerful words are an inheritance from my parents, most likely inherited from their parents. My mom and dad were in such pain; we all were in much pain. We learned how to “tease” each other, “all in fun”. Basically we just played on each others’ weaknesses. We did not really know how to laugh at our own silliness, but it came easy to laugh at others’ silliness. I remember my older brother being funny and always quick with a come back. I always thought what to say after the fact. I thought that I was not very smart. So, in my family we used sarcasm and humor to hide what we were truly feeling. We could not let anyone in too close that would only provide more ammunition to be used against us. We did not have very healthy or appropriate boundaries.

At times, I am acting out the same behavior in my classroom. To hide my vulnerability
I use humor and sarcastic wit. Unfortunately, it sometimes hurts the younger students who do not understand. And sometimes when I allow myself to get frustrated in class, I use humor or sarcasm to try to hide my anger and fear that I do not have control of the class.

………………………………...........................................................................................................

Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, you have done exactly what I hoped you would do with my suggestions from last week. You looked deeper into your own life and family and made very good and insightful connections.

Here are additional suggestions for working this issue.

There is a part of you that is the same age as your students and it feels “misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent”.

Can you get to know it?

Can you have a dialogue with it and explore how she feels and what she really wants (especially from you)?

You meet this part of you every day at work.

If you stopped using humor and sarcasm as a reaction to it then how would you relate? What if you simply stopped and took a good look at that student (the real one in the classroom) ?

What and who would you see?

What do you imagine is really going on with a student who activates this reaction in you?

Working with these issues will make you a better person, a better teacher and will also help you deal with your weight more effectively.

One comment about sarcasm. Sarcasm is thinly veiled hostility. It may be funny to the observers but it is ALWAYS HURTFUL to the recipient. My advice is to drop it from your repertoire.

Now to the issue of maturity.

“Maturity was another quality that was severely lacking in our family.” Heidi

The truth is Heidi, maturity is a quality that is severely lacking in American society. One only has to watch the daily news and interview shows to observe this sad fact. Most commentators and their guests interact at the maturity level of early adolescents. These shows reflect what is true in our nation. Maturity is not valued, generally, and is often not rewarded. Adolescent behavior such as sarcasm, narcissism, selfishness, impatience is rampant and for the most part the American public participates without any obvious reservation.

I don’t want to go on a rant but I do want to help you see that your family was not an exception to the rule. They were definitely immature, however, and the issue now is how do you face and manage this sort of “training and education”.

You have been programmed to react to your life with immature attitudes and behaviors. OK. You got that part. It is great that you are facing that fact. Now, given that immaturity is not a healthy or effective guide for a productive life in a rather stressful and complex world, what do you do now?

I suggest the following:

Ask yourself the question (daily): What would be a mature response to this situation?

Simply asking the question will make a difference in your choices.

The more emotion you have about a situation the more you need to ask the question.

Intense emotions often invite immature reactions. If you pay attention to this fact then you will not be caught off guard and you will have more mature responses.

This technique will help a lot when it comes to food. I suspect that much of your comfort food consumption is activated by immature reactions to the stresses of your life. You will not give in to a child-like comfort food solution if you are asking the maturity question.

OK, enough advice for today. You continue to show great courage and insight in your inner work. God blesses you. I bless you and your students bless you.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal 26

I have had a very painful realization this week. In a parent conference, I
realized that what I thought was my witty classroom banter is in reality
covering up some great and intense anger. I have often wondered why I am
never asked to participate in special assignments by the administration of
the school. I have wondered why I have not been formally recognized for my
innovative curriculum and my work with students, when by most accounts I
have been told that I am a valuable and challenging teacher. Well, after
listening to this freshman's perspective during the conference, I no longer
wonder.

This young man was hurt by some things I said throughout the semester. He
shut down and did very little work in class, while in other classes he was
excelling. I watched him talk to another teacher during the conference and
saw his face light up as he moved to the edge of his seat. The student was
motivated, interested and respected the teacher. Speaking with me, he was
the complete opposite: withdrawn, sad and hopeless. I have not done my job;
instead of motivating him and challenging him I have failed him.

It was so clear to me as I sat there. My immaturity and my open, gaping
wounds have bled out all over my teaching. How many other students have I
"bled" all over? Now, I know it may sound that I am being too hard on
myself. After all, I have been teaching for almost twenty years; the last
thirteen of which I have been at my current school. I have never been fired
or warned or anything of that nature, and many alumni have come back to
visit me over the years to thank me. In fact, two came back just today to
visit with me. Also, I asked for feedback from my senior classes about a
new project I have been trying out with them: all very positive and
affirming about me and the project. I listened carefully and let it in.

But, there has always been something amiss with my connection with the
students. And I figured it out this week as I listened to this young man's
pain. I think back to other "problem" students over the years. I am not
naïve: I know that no teacher can reach every single student they have had
in class. Nor is it possible to say the "right" thing at the "right" time
for the "right" child all of the time. Given that, my immaturity and hidden
(or not so hidden) anger has made a challenging job so much harder and so
much less rewarding.

And then I eat because I feel misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent.
I think "why me?" instead of acknowledging my responsibility for creating
the situation. As I thought about how I needed to change in the classroom,
I felt a huge loss of identity. How do I act in class? If I change my
persona and take out my "witty" comments, what will I be left with? The
freshmen do not need "witty" comments. They need someone who will listen to
them, encourage them and love them. How will I tame the wild anger beast
when it bubbles to the surface as a sarcastic remark? How will I repair the
relationships with my freshmen students?

I have been in much pain as I have faced this anger lurking so close by.

……………………………….......................................................................................................

Dr A Responds to Heidi

Heidi, you encountered your Shadow this week and I congratulate you for your courage, your honesty and your insight. These self-realizations will help you and your students. It would be wonderful if more teachers had your willingness to look deeply and honestly into your self.

Lets begin with your first comment.

I have had a very painful realization this week. In a parent conference, I
realized that what I thought was my witty classroom banter is in reality
covering up some great and intense anger. Heidi

Before you explore what to do about this issue lets look at it together. Yes, you have some intense anger and you have not been aware of it or how it sometimes manifests in the classroom. That is why I call it your Shadow (The Jungian term for unacceptable personal qualities we deny and push into our Unconscious and then act out or project onto others without awareness.)

You give a clue to the source of this anger in your last paragraph above when you say, “And then I eat because I feel misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent.” I suspect this is how the student felt when you visited your anger upon him. I wonder if your anger shows up when a student somehow activates the same feelings in you……misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent. Then without realizing it you get angry, cloak it in “witty banter” and miss the true feeling and its effects on certain students.

It is possible that you feel this way more than you know and yes you probably eat to manage it in addition to acting it out in the classroom.

The very difficult task before you right now is two-fold. Please consider both.

1- Try very hard to avoid going into self-hate about this issue. Self-hate would become a painful place to hide from the truth and will prevent you from looking honestly and effectively at this behavior and the feelings that underlie them. In this sense and situation, self-hate actually becomes a defense mechanism and never leads you to helpful insights or changed behavior. Instead choose courage and some compassion for yourself. This will free you to take an honest assessment of what is happening and will motivate you to make appropriate changes. You do not have to be perfect to be a great teacher and your willingness to look at this issue will certainly make a difference.

2- Look at your anger and get to know its true activators and then we can work them in a productive way that will ultimately give you more energy and creativity as a teacher. The words “misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent” are an excellent starting point.

Here are some suggestions for working this issue.

A- Begin with the thought that productive inner work is always done in a context of compassion. Compassion will allow you to look at your imperfections with clarity and without crippling self-hate. Compassion does not let you “off the hook”. It will simply create the possibility for meaningful change.

You will find compassion for yourself if you remember that you are like the rest of us. We all struggle and we are all imperfect and at the very essence of things we all do the very best we can with the light we currently have.

B- Then take a look at the 3 powerful words you mentioned.

“misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent”

When and where did these words and the pain that they represent begin for you?

Did someone “teach” you how to deal with or act them out them by using “witty banter”?

What qualities does this particular student have that might activate these feelings in you?

C- You might also explore/write an imaginary dialogue with this student. Ask him what is has been like to be your student. Then assume that some part of you is talking with you as this student. This is what we call Shadow-work and it will help you face and integrate the energy we are exploring.

Finally, return to compassion for yourself and for your student. You both have something to learn from these encounters.

Your work on this will help you eat less to manage the difficult emotions. It will also eventually liberate in you a new intensity of understanding, self-respect and competency (notice these are the opposites of the painful feelings.)

God bless you, Heidi, for your courage and persistence.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 25

“How do you deprive yourself in the present?” What do you think, Heidi?” Dr A

I think that I am quite stumped. I have been reflecting on how I deprive myself but I am confused by the difference between being deprived and being spoiled. Does one not lead to the other? If I do not deprive myself then am I being spoiled? Or does it depend on what I am depriving myself of? For example, if deprive myself of a cheeseburger and fries, am I actually nurturing myself? So deprivation leads to nurturing. If I act out of spoiledness, I want what I want when I want it (cheeseburger now), then I am depriving myself of nurturing. It seems very complicated.

“Do you really allow love in?” Dr A

Do I REALLY allow love in? Now I find that to be a very interesting question. How does it look when you really allow love in? How does it feel? How does one tell if they are actually letting love in? Is it one of those situations that I would know without a doubt if I was letting it in? So if I am unsure, then I am not letting it in. In the past I have brushed off and trivialized compliments others have given. Now I listen carefully and say thank you. When others offer to help, I say yes; sometimes I even ask for help. I do not know if I am on the right track with this.

“Do you allow yourself to do things that are consistently nurturing to you?”

There are several things that I consistently do to take care of myself that are nurturing like take a shower, brush my teeth and wash my clothes. There are other things that depending on the current financial status of the family I consistently do that are nurturing: getting my hair cut and colored, manicure and pedicure, eyebrows and lashes and massages. Thinking about this has brought up a question for me. I do not experience many of these things as nurturing. I like how I feel after doing some of them, for example, I feel “put together”, but I do not really enjoy doing all those things. The main reasons are the effort they require and in some cases, the money that is involved. I know intellectually that they are nurturing, I simply just do not experience them as such. That leads to the next question.

“Or do you treat yourself the way you were treated as a child?”

My feelings and thoughts were trivialized fairly consistently. I felt as a child that I did not exist, that I was not worth the effort. I used to hide to see if anyone would notice if I was missing. I would wonder how long it would take before they would come looking for me. I was three or four.

I know that I trivialize many things about me and many of my experiences. If I “play it down” it will not hurt as much or bother me. It is, I suppose, another version of “acting as if, until you do”.

………………………………...............................................................................................................

Dr A Responds to Heidi

“I am confused by the difference between being deprived and being spoiled.”

Heidi, this is a good question. It seems to me that you do know the difference based on what you shared in your first paragraph above. However, I can make a couple more clarifying comments.

Deprivation refers to “things” you cannot do without such as love, attention, meaning, enough food and water, self-expression, relationships, spiritual connection, emotional support, mental stimulation, physical activity….I think you get the point.

Being spoiled or spoiling yourself usually refers to the non-essentials like comfort food, unnecessary purchases, avoiding responsibilities, being inappropriately selfish, getting others to take care of you in inappropriate ways…I am sure you get the point here also.

“Do I REALLY allow love in? Now I find that to be a very interesting question. How does it look when you really allow love in? How does it feel? How does one tell if they are actually letting love in? “

Answering these questions could require a book. However, here are some basic answers that I hope are useful to you.

Take a moment. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Then imagine that your heart is completely open to all the love that wants to come to you. Breathe it in. Breathe it in again. Imagine that everyone who loves you is in the room with you now and that they want you to feel totally loved. Breathe their love into your heart. Breathe deeply.

Now open your eyes and become aware of what that experience was like for you.

Could you do the exercise?

Did you hesitate at any point?

Could you feel the love filling your heart?

Please do this exercise once a day for a week. Then let me know what happens.

At any given moment life is full of love that “wants to come to us”. If we are not experiencing this then we have blocked it somehow. Sadly, most people don’t get this. Many people live their lives as the poet Rumi described, “dying of thirst while we stand knee deep in a stream.”

I imagine that more than a few individuals who read this journal today will get rather upset at my comment about the availability of love. Their experience of life, and possibly yours also, is vastly different than what I am describing. Yet, what I am saying here is true. Love is far more available to us than we realize. The exercise above will help you experience this if you will try if a few times.

Letting love in makes the heart happy. It fills the body with warmth and a kind of peace. It lowers the blood pressure and slows the acid in the stomach. Love is healing for old wounds and present stresses and provides a sense of hope for the future. I know, Heidi, that you will recognize these feelings when they occur in you.

“Do you allow yourself to do things that are consistently nurturing to you?” Dr A

Heidi, what you described above in reference to self-nurturing are all what I would call self-maintenance. They are fine to do but they are not really nurturing.

Self-nurturing involves paying attention to deeper and more substantial issues and actions.

Self-nurturing might include the following:

Spending time with people you love.

Doing a daily spiritual practice.

Doing daily exercise.

Doing meaningful work.

Eating healthy foods.

Laughing regularly.

Taking regular breaks from stress and routine.

Vacations.

Cuddling with your husband and/or your child.

Journaling.

Spending time in nature.

Learning something of interest to you.

I hope this list helps. You can add your own items.

“Or do you treat yourself the way you were treated as a child?” Dr A

“My feelings and thoughts were trivialized fairly consistently. I felt as a child that I did not exist, that I was not worth the effort. “ Heidi

Heidi, being consistently trivialized as a child is a form of abuse (in my opinion). It causes great damage that can last into adulthood. To trivialize is to make someone feel insignificant, often invisible and unloved. When that child grows up, she will tend to have the same attitude about herself. Thus she will have internalized a constant source of pain and self-deprecation.

You have said before that you have this tendency - trivializing you and your needs and feelings and thoughts. When you do this you re-enact the painful dynamics of childhood and then like any “good” food addict………you eat.

Your task here and now is to continue identifying these destructive tendencies and make new decisions every time the arise. Are your needs trivial? No, they are not. Is your existence on this planet trivial? No, you are a valuable and loved individual. You have a right to be here and a right to attend to your needs.

“I know that I trivialize many things about me and many of my experiences. If I “play it down” it will not hurt as much or bother me. It is, I suppose, another version of “acting as if, until you do”.

Acting as if will only perpetuate the pain and the self-destructive dynamics. You will have far more success if you continue to name the feeling, experience it and use that awareness to explore yourself . Each step in the process will bring you closer to greater self-validation. Then you will not need to eat to manage the pain.

Thanks for sharing so honestly.

God bless you.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 24

The sort of spoiled you are exploring is a result of significant pain and is a kind of self-compensation for being deprived of what was truly essential. This spoiled is not caused by overindulgence. It is overindulgence as compensation for deprivation. But try not to beat yourself up for being "spoiled". It has been a powerful coping mechanism in your life.

(quote from Dr. A in #23)

I can not begin to express what a comfort it is to read those words. It is all that I have thought about since I first read them. I was truly baffled by my immature tendencies knowing that I did not have overly indulgent parents. I often thought perhaps they were over indulgent when I was very, very young and so therefore I could not remember that they had spoiled me. It has been a great mystery to me all these years. I would ask myself over and over why I would react the way I did to so many situations. I logically knew what I had to do and I even understood why it had to be done. Yet, I would choose something else over and over again. Why did I have such immature reactions and thoughts to so many things?

This was most prominent when it came to eating and exercising. All the internal battles I had with myself over this piece of food or that one. I want it. It's not good for you. But it tastes so good. But it's not part of your plan. But I can start the plan after. But that's not what you had planned to do; you need to lose the weight. I will lose it, after I eat that. And on and on and on it went. It was a freaking merry-go-round! It is a wonder I still had some semblance of sanity on most days. I hated those constant crazy arguments. I could never get them to shut up. Those internal discussions would consume me. I could hardly think of anything else. I suppose that is one of the reasons I always got involved in so many activities in high school and college. Being around people and doing things would give me a brief reprieve.

Eventually, I just decided to give up and eat whatever I wanted; it was the only way to lessen the craziness of the voices in my head. I know now that what I was feeling was so strong because I felt entitled to overindulge, so that I could compensate for the pain of being deprived of what was truly essential. But I am not being deprived now. I have so much love in my life; I am so blessed. So why do I still use my "spoiled-ness" as a coping mechanism?

Six months: this week is six months that I have been involved in this very unique process. It has been a very interesting journey. I would never have imagined it to have taken the twists and turns that it has. I never thought I would still be here chipping away at my internal chaos, one small chip at a time. But here I am. And although I am still losing weight, it is very slow. I suppose I am losing it as fast as I can tolerate it. I know there are many areas of the program that I am not working at all or very little. Perhaps with this new understanding I will be better able to apply myself to the program.

Dr. Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, you said the following:

Eventually, I just decided to give up and eat whatever I wanted; it was the only way to lessen the craziness of the voices in my head. I know now that what I was feeling was so strong because I felt entitled to overindulge, so that I could compensate for the pain of being deprived of what was truly
essential.

You made a decision that is made by many, many food addicts. “it was the only way to lessen the craziness of the voices in my head.” Yes, for many of us food (our drug of choice) is the only way we know to lessen the craziness in our heads. We have no real choices to do otherwise until we do the sort of inner work that you have been doing for the last 24 weeks. It is no wonder that so many of us fail at dieting. We try to use will power to control the food and the voices and we drop a few pounds and then the voices take over and we run back to the drug for comfort.

I know now that what I was feeling was so strong because I felt entitled to overindulge, so that I could compensate for the pain of being deprived of what was truly essential.

Yes. Yes. Yes. You got it.

But I am not being deprived now. I have so much love in my life; I am so blessed. So why do I still use my "spoiled-ness" as a coping mechanism?

Your comment above is only partially true. I think you are still deprived but it is you that are doing the deprivation, not your parents. Think about it for a moment. How do you deprive yourself in the present? Do you really allow love in? Do you allow yourself to do things that are consistently nurturing to you? Or do you treat yourself the way you were treated as a child? What do you think, Heidi?

Yes, it is also true that you use your “spoiled-ness” as a coping device. It is a way you know who you are. It has become part of your self-definition. It will arise automatically in many areas of your life and you will act on it without awareness until you decide to root it out and make new decisions. As you become aware of it and create more appropriate responses you will slowly lose the old definition/guide and the new and more effective one will take precedence.

I never thought I would still be here chipping away at my internal chaos, one small chip at a time. But here I am. And although I am still losing weight, it is very slow. I suppose I am losing it as fast as I can tolerate it.

Heidi, you put the weight on one pound at a time. You are taking it off the same way. As to your comment “I suppose I am losing it as fast as I can tolerate it” you could not have said a more insightful truth!

It is a psychological truism that we all make the progress and changes that we can tolerate. Change is difficult to create and to tolerate, very difficult. We have to work at adjusting to it even when it is very positive and desirable. To quote the great poet Antonio Machado:

“Anyone who changes

even a little

Walks like Jesus

on the water.”

In a certain sense, Heidi, all change is a miracle, so have patience with yourself and celebrate the truly meaningful work you have and are doing. You have taken 24 steps onto a very stormy sea.

God bless you.

Dr. A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 23

Spoiled. I have realized that I am a very spoiled woman. Perhaps I was a spoiled little girl. I did not get what I wanted or needed and I have been acting out ever since. I have been thinking about being spoiled and acting out all week. It affected my homework. When I knocked on the door of my unconscious the door just opened. I went in and sat down. It seemed like space without stars or planets. It was a very big, very empty and dark. When I asked what deeper feelings it wanted me to know, all I kept hearing is “spoiled, spoiled, spoiled.” I do not know if it really was from my unconscious or just what I have been thinking about. I have to continue to ask my unconscious, especially before I fall asleep.

I have really been astounded by how immature I am. Since my perspective is that life is hard and it is not supposed to be that way, I can do whatever I want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. I deserve to feel good and if I can not get it from life, then I will get from food. What a little kid. The consequences of that perspective are far reaching and damaging, not just to my body but in all areas of my life. I have been playing small. When my students behave poorly or do less than what they are capable of, I tell them to quit playing small. I never have to explain it to them. They know exactly what I mean and they know it is an honest compliment about them. I have been playing small for a very long time.

To be fair to myself, this perspective arose out lessons I learned from childhood. The lessons became a well-entrenched perspective about life. The problem is these lessons, this perspective, are not valid in the adult world. I have been trying for many years to authenticate these lessons in the adult world and I just kept getting fatter. It has caused many hardships in other areas of my life as well: the child driving the bus. For a long time, I have been yelling “Get out of my way!!!!” and leaned on the big horn as I barreled through life.

So the connection I have made is: I am uncomfortable because I experience pain, sadness, anxiousness, fear, illness then I eat. I can not tolerate being internally uncomfortable; it seems externally I can tolerate a lot (small chairs, stares, bad shoes). But internally I can’t stand it. And I don’t have to put up with it, says the child. So I didn’t put up with it. I ate it instead. In other areas of my life, if I did not WANT to do it, I didn’t do it. I only do things when I want to do it or when I think it has to be done. This attitude has caused me conflict and embarrassment, and has affected how I have felt about myself. I am sure this attitude has also affected my professional life.

I am stunned at these revelations. I thought I had worked so hard to grow up and become a responsible adult. I learned how to pay my bills, how to keep a job and how to deal with people effectively. Yet, here I am in this mess in several areas. I am a child in how I handle myself and my most personal areas. Now I must bring these revelations to the table, so to speak. I need to be conscious of these revelations as I make my choices in how I live my life.

Dr. A Responds to Heidi

Heidi, your insights are becoming deeper and more courageous. Your honesty with yourself is increasing also. You can expect good progress from this level and quality of inner work.

Now lets explore what you shared today.

“Perhaps I was a spoiled little girl. I did not get what I wanted or needed and I have been acting out ever since.”

The kind of spoiled you are talking about is not a result of affluent privilege or an exaggerated sense of entitlement that came from overly attentive and indulgent parents. That was not your experience of childhood. The sort of spoiled you are exploring is a result of significant pain and is a kind of self-compensation for being deprived of what was truly essential.

This spoiled is not caused by overindulgence. It is overindulgence as compensation for deprivation. It is an excellent awareness on your part and you can assume that Yes, this message is directly from your Unconscious. Trust it. But try not to beat yourself up for being “spoiled”. It has been a powerful coping mechanism in your life. Now that you are becoming aware of it you can begin to make changes in how often you use it.

“I have really been astounded by how immature I am.”

Good point. You are stating something that 12-step (AA, etc.) programs have been teaching us addicts for years. The moment an addiction begins is the moment that our maturation process stops.

If we become an active addict at 10 years old and then go into recovery at 30, a part of us remains a 10 year old. We are then a 30 year old person with many of the reactions to life that a 10 year old would have. No wonder that we (food addicts) often feel as if life is too hard for us to handle and then run to food as a compensation or coping device. We are too often children in adult (large adult) bodies.

The good news here, the REALLY GOOD NEWS, is that it does not take 20 years to grow up (from 10 to 30). We can mature very quickly once we begin the recovery process in earnest, as you have.

Heidi, your task now is to continue to locate how and when you are having immature and “spoiled” reactions to life and then make more mature and productive choices. You are capable of doing that. You do have that ability right now. The solution is in 3 parts.

1- Recognize, admit, identify the reaction.

2- Choose a responsible and adult response.

3- Then act responsibly.

As you practice this 3-step process you will get better and better at it and the results will be immense.

“I have been playing small.”

Absolutely. No question about it.

I am shouting out loud right now!!!!

You are dead on right about this one!!!!!!

You have been playing small and your smallness has been reflected by the opposite in your body.

This may be the most important statement you have made in the last 23 weeks of journaling.

“I have been playing small.”

Yes. You have.

The operative word here, Heidi, is PLAYING. You have been PLAYING small.

You are not a small person. You are not insignificant, untalented and inadequate. You are not a child who is incapable of facing and handling life. You have been playing small but you are not small.

Thank you for realizing this. I hope you will remind yourself of this life-changing truth every day from now on.

“I can not tolerate being internally uncomfortable; it seems externally I can tolerate a lot (small chairs, stares, bad shoes). But internally I can’t stand it. And I don’t have to put up with it, says the child. So I didn’t put up with it. I ate it instead. In other areas of my life, if I did not WANT to do it, I didn’t do it. I only do things when I want to do it or when I think it has to be done. This attitude has caused me conflict and embarrassment, and has affected how I have felt about myself. “

Heidi, your ability and willingness to admit and face what you shared, in the quote above, is both rare and hopeful. Rare because most people (especially food addicts) never face themselves so courageously. Hopeful, because this awareness will never go away. Once you know it you will not ever forget it. You have identified a self-destructive dynamic in yourself and you will begin to make better choices because of it.

Now we can work on helping you learn to “be with” difficult emotions instead of acting/eating them out. Guess what that means? Weight loss, of course, but also greatly increased self-esteem and a much higher degree of effectiveness in your professional and personal life.
 
“I can not tolerate being internally uncomfortable"

This statement is a classic and prevalent truth about all food addicts. We gain weight because we cannot tolerate our uncomfortable emotions (internal experience) and we use our drug of choice (comfort food ) to change/alter them. Thus we get fat.

We cannot make progress with our addiction until we face this fact in just the way you are facing it. We have to tell ourselves (and others) the truth about why we eat addictively. Once we do that we free ourselves from the bondage of denial and are finally ready to do the inner work that will help us successfully manage our weight loss.

“I am stunned at these revelations. I thought I had worked so hard to grow up and become a responsible adult.”

You have grown up……externally. Do not discount that fact. The work you have to do now is internal. You have made major progress simply by recognizing this distinction. Now you can focus on what will make the biggest difference: Your internal process.

Now that you are bringing these “revelations to the table” you will find a new relationship to yourself, your inner life and to food. I am excited about your progress!!!

HOMEWORK

These exercises are simple but potentially powerful. Give them your best effort.

1- Describe how a particular part of your life will change when you stop playing it small. You can choose any aspect of your life. It might be work, your relationship with your husband, a friend, your physical exercise, your self-expression (stand-up comedy, etc.). Write 2 or 3 paragraphs in the first person.

Example: “I was playing it small with my stand-up comedy routine. Today I have decided to go all out with it. I will change my routine by adding…………….. I will also go all out by going to a local nightclub on open mike night and wow the group with my outrageous new routine.”

2- Decide today to be with an uncomfortable emotion until it changes, without using food as a buffer. Then write down your experience in your journal.

Now go for it.

Dr. A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 22

Why? Why do I eat too much? I eat to manage my feelings. I eat when I am anxious. I eat when I am tired. I eat.

This is the most difficult journal I have written thus far. I can not seem to comprehend the drive I have to eat to manage my feelings. Although now more than ever it is very clear to me that I have it. I no longer stop for food on my way home from work. Some days I do not even think about wanting to eat during my commute. Then the baby gets pink eye, my husband and I get sick and his job could be in jeopardy. So I am not feeling well, I am tired and I am very worried about my husband and our bills.

So these last two days I want to eat something, anything as I am driving home. In my mind, I go through the litany of fast food restaurants on my way home; it’s a long list, I have a 33 mile commute each way. As I seriously think about each place and analyze what they offer to eat, I disregard each one and decide that what they serve is not what I want. I end up not going to any food outlet and instead go straight home. I knew I was anxious and tired and ill and I just wanted to feel better. I realized that each of those places did not offer what I needed to feel better. I drank the bottled water I had in my car.

I can not explain why my behavior has changed; I can only tell you that it has. Maybe that is what has contributed to a two pound loss this week. It is very evident that the urge to self-medicate is very present to me. I realized today as I stopped by the faculty lunch room for the second or third time that I was secretly hoping that someone had brought in some treat or food to share: perhaps some birthday cake or finger sandwiches. I even experienced a let down when there was none. This must be a clear sign of an addict looking for a fix.

So what drives me to look for food? I have a theory: I think there is a multi-level tier of emotions that drive me to eat. There are the present, surface emotions such as tired, anxious or feeling ill. These feelings I can more easily acknowledge on a consistent basis. The second, third and all additional levels (however many there may be) are not as evident.

So the question for this week is: how do I access these other levels of emotion? What great pain is so hidden from my consciousness yet so plainly evident on my body? I do not know if I can access these areas hidden from me or what it is going to take for me to get to it. I must plow down a portion of my wall of resistance, just enough to gain access.

Dr. A Responds to Heidi

Heidi, even though you state that this week “is the most difficult journal I have written thus far”, you also indicate examples of some significant progress. I have listed them below so that you can embra