Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #37

Question: What do you fear feeling and/or seeing when the fog clears? (How has this fog protected you?) Dr. A

If the fog represents my constant sense of unworthiness, the absence of the fog would mean acceptance of whom I am and where I am in my life. I do not think that I fear feeling accepted by me. What do I fear feeling? I fear feeling utter disappointment. I am afraid that nothing will be good enough, especially me. I fear that underneath the fog is a deep and bitter dissatisfaction with life in general and with me individually. It sounds like I am describing my mother. I remember my mother being very unhappy when I was a young child. She taught us to always strive to be more, to do better. She wanted more out of life: more things and more status. She was frustrated by my father’s inability to rise to the heights of the corporate world. She felt he could be more successful; it was never enough. They fought about money all the time.

Perhaps I absorbed this dynamic into my being. I do not want to have this great dissatisfaction. So instead I have turned this fear that I am like my mother into a general unease that something is wrong with me. I am afraid that I will see myself as my mother when the fog clears. I feel very disloyal writing this; that people will get the wrong impression of my mother. She did the best with what she knew. And she wanted us to be happy and to have the best life possible. She wanted my father to be more successful so that we all would have more opportunities in life. She was not selfish, just shortsighted.

I just did not understand as a young child why everyone was so unhappy and mad most of the time. And we were not very nice to each other, especially my father. I do not want to be like either of my parents. And what if I am? Here I am dealing with the same great insecurity about myself both my parents had about themselves. I have the inherited the same problem; it has only manifested itself in a different way.

I want to rid myself of this. I do not want to be controlled by this anymore. Or God-forbid, pass it on to my daughter.

Many of us were “trained” to be phobic about something that may not be inherently dangerous. I suspect that your fear of consciousness is like that. What do you think? Dr. A.

I think that being conscious in my family was dangerous. My parents focused on my weight to avoid looking at themselves. My mother blamed my father and my father blamed me, my weight and my behavior for our unhappiness. But I realize now that the unhappiness was with themselves. My mother realized it when I was in college. She was always reading self help books trying to figure out what was wrong or how things could be better. During a family therapy session in an inpatient weight loss clinic I attended, she realized that she first had to work on herself instead of trying to fix or change my father or even us kids. My father was only in the family therapy to help me because I was the one with the problem. He did not get it.

I bore the weight for my family’s unconsciousness. I still do. I am in a lot of pain right now. I feel like I am in a deep pit and I do not know how to get out.
.............................................................................................................................................
Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

If the fog represents my constant sense of unworthiness, the absence of the fog would mean acceptance of whom I am and where I am in my life. I do not think that I fear feeling accepted by me. What do I fear feeling? I fear feeling utter disappointment. I am afraid that nothing will be good enough, especially me. I fear that underneath the fog is a deep and bitter dissatisfaction with life in general and with me individually. It sounds like I am describing my mother. Heidi

Heidi, it seems to me that you are already aware of feeling this way (unworthy, disappointed, nothing good enough). You stated it very clearly. Given your clarity, I suspect that there is something else going on here. It may be about your mother.

It sounds like I am describing my mother. Heidi

Heidi, your mother may be more the issue than your father at this point. Yes, you always had the biggest “problem” and upset with your dad. It was more dramatic and intense and your mom “blamed” your dad also. However, that upset could have been a distraction from what was going on between you and mom.
You may have some resistance to this idea. You may even feel protective of your mother. However, I think it may be time to re-evaluate that relationship and look for what has been hidden.

As you think about this idea, what comes to mind? What do you feel? What memories appear? Lets explore these in more detail.

I think that being conscious in my family was dangerous. My parents focused on my weight to avoid looking at themselves. My mother blamed my father and my father blamed me, my weight and my behavior for our unhappiness. But I realize now that the unhappiness was with themselves. Heidi

The truth is, being conscious is a difficulty in many families. We all have some fear about seeing what is actually going on. However, that fear increases with the degree of dysfunction: More dysfunction means more fear of consciousness.

Becoming conscious, even as an adult, can seem a bit scary because it means that we are doing something disloyal to our family system. We are talking openly about the emperor who has no clothes. If it was the maid or the butler who had no clothes on then there would be no threat. But (in the story) it was the emperor, the most powerful person in the land. To “out” the emperor is a dangerous act. He could retaliate. Every child knows this intuitively.

There is a part of you that is still a frightened and loyal child. It may fear facing or telling the whole truth about mom. But this is part of the path to healing. You can do it.

What is next? Where do you want to take this now?

Peace. Dr A