Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #36

It has been several weeks since I have written. I have been very sick as well as my baby. All I could do most days was put the baby in the bed with me with toys while I lied down. There was so much congestion I could not breathe and it caused so much head pain I could not read or watch TV. And this lasted for several weeks. My daughter had two serious ear infections at the same time. It has been a very difficult month.

I have felt, and still feel, very guilty for not following through on all my responsibilities. I was unable to be there and be patient for my daughter or husband. I missed eight days of work and I did not follow through with my responsibilities to myself and others in following the program. Why is it that it is not ok to take care of me? Why did I feel that I was just being lazy when I would fall asleep at the computer trying to read or write? Or I was being lazy because lying down was the only way I could deal with the head pain?

I believe this must be tied into my profound sense of unworthiness. I have a profound disconnect from it. I do not realize how little I think of myself. Perhaps that is the cause of the constant feeling I have that something is not quite right. It is like a grey fog that covers and permeates every single moment, perspective, thought, feeling I have: my whole reality, my whole existence. So, every moment that I am awake, I exist in a cloud of uneasiness. My only escape is to disconnect from it in every way possible. Food is my primary choice. I walk around in ignorance (at times blissfully, although not often) of what has caused my overwhelming drive to eat. All that I have been aware of at times is this feeling of uneasiness that follows me everywhere.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like not to exist in this constant fog. How would it feel to be in a fogless space? I do not even have a name for it. Although I have experienced brief moments of bright sunlight, the grey fog curled around the edges ready move in and to permeate every moment once again: always present, always ready. I do not think I have ever existed in or known a purely fogless place.

I want to live in the sunshine. I want to run and feel the wind in my face. I want to live.

But I am so scared.

To become conscious is so painfully scary. How shall I manage such fear without my escape hatch? I am also painfully aware that life is passing me by. At this size there are so many opportunities lost to live life to the fullest. I do not know how or when it happened. Although I had been obese most of my life, at some point I slipped from obese to morbidly obese, to super morbidly obese without even realizing it. And ever so slowly, I did less and less things that I had been able to do before. I had completely shut down any awareness of what was happening to me. It is very easy for me to see how some folks end up not even being able to move out of their bed. I am more terrified of that than I am becoming conscious: thank God! That is a great blessing. It tells me that the fear of my pain and becoming conscious is not my greatest all encompassing fear. It may be the second greatest, but it is not THE greatest. And for that, I have great hope.

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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, welcome back! It sounds like it has been a rough few weeks for you. I am happy you and the baby are feeling better.

You made some significant things about yourself in this section of your journal. Let’s go right to them.

I believe this must be tied into my profound sense of unworthiness. I have a profound disconnect from it. I do not realize how little I think of myself. Perhaps that is the cause of the constant feeling I have that something is not quite right. It is like a grey fog that covers and permeates every single moment, perspective, thought, feeling I have: my whole reality, my whole existence. So, every moment that I am awake, I exist in a cloud of uneasiness. My only escape is to disconnect from it in every way possible. Food is my primary choice. Heidi

Heidi, it seems to me that you are beginning to “connect” to this deep and pervasive feeling and concept about yourself. You have named it and you are describing some of its effects. I know this is difficult but it is the way through this. Your exploration of this will help you clear out the fog.

I have a question for you. It may not be easy to answer but it is worth exploring.

Question: What do you fear feeling and/or seeing when the fog clears? (How has this fog protected you?)

I had completely shut down any awareness of what was happening to me. It is very easy for me to see how some folks end up not even being able to move out of their bed. I am more terrified of that than I am becoming conscious: thank God! That is a great blessing. It tells me that the fear of my pain and becoming conscious is not my greatest all encompassing fear. It may be the second greatest, but it is not THE greatest. And for that, I have great hope. Heidi

Heidi, I too am happy that you have great hope. That is a new and wonderful word in your vocabulary.

Now you stand between 2 fears. One is the fear of being conscious and the pain it might bring you. The second is your fear of slowly disappearing into obesity.

Heidi, have you ever considered that your fear of being conscious is a fear you learned in childhood? Could it be a particular family fear? Were you “taught” that knowing what is really going is too dangerous to face or to handle?

Your fear of being conscious, Heidi, seems as large as your obesity. Your body has come to reflect the size of it. HOWEVER, I am suggesting that this fear is not entirely founded in reality. Being conscious is not as painful, frightening or dangerous as you have been led to believe. In fact, consciousness has many, many positive aspects that are not painful.

I remember an old bumper sticker that read, “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” I think we could change this to read, “If you think being conscious is expensive, try denial and avoidance (fog).”

Another example. I have heard that baby elephants are tethered with a strong rope. However, they become so convinced of its power by the time they reach adulthood that only a small cord is needed. As soon as they feel the tug, they stop moving. A 4000 pound animal is then completely controlled by a tiny rope. Why? Because it has been “trained” that way.

Many of us were “trained” to be phobic about something that may not be inherently dangerous. I suspect that your fear of consciousness is like that.

What do you think?

Peace. Dr A

Comments

[Paula]

Heidi,
I am sooo glad to see you back on here. I missed your journal writing sooo much. I was always checking the blog, and coming away sad and disappointed when your messages weren't there. I'm so sorry to hear how very sick you were. My husband had that flu for a month, and I was only sick a week with it, but I can't imagine being sicker than we were PLUS caring for a baby. I'm pretty sure you can't beat yourself up for wanting to lie down when your head is killing you and you are weak & sick. :-)

It's great that you have identified and named two of your greatest fears. It sounds like that is the first step in overcoming them. I could also identify with your descriptions of the "fog" and how desperate it makes you feel. I struggle with depression and I call my "fog" the black hole. When I'm feeling "normal" (???) that black hole is always in the back of my mind and I always wonder when I might fall back into it. However, since I've started medication for my depression, I have stayed out of the black hole for quite a long time, and I think the longer one is out of it, the less you worry about it. I hope that will be true for you too.

Well, keep writing. I sure hope you are feeling more energy and recovering more each day. We're all just SOOO glad you are back to writing on here.

Your internet friend,
Paula
"

[joan]

I want to live in the sunshine. I want to run and feel the wind in my face. I want to live.

But I am so scared.

Heidi that really touched my heart deeply I can
relate the pain memory of when I was 385 and watch
people play on the beach with the soft wind and sun
in their faces and I would try to feel the way they
did and it was hard to feel alive trapped in this body that held me down a captive...

But Heidi this one day I decided I would not let
myself stay a captive any longer and I got determined to get
to the beach and ocean somehow so I found these long
knee length latex shorts and a big shirt and I did
dare to join my skinnier sisters of society in the
water and I swam and laughed and dived in the waves
with everybody else and to my surprise nobody was
laughing because they were having too much fun to
pay attention to me so Heidi if there is something
you can do to feel the wind and sun in your face
perhaps a boat ride or something like me if you love
the ocean then by all means find something that
will help you feel that freedom....

Heidi as of today I havent lost any weight for a
while but I havent gained any weight back either
this disease is tough but so am I and Im happy to
say binges are far and inbetween~I dont eat a box of
doughnuts anymore or a Pint of Hagendaz every night
for 2 years~I have had 13 operations and had Pity
party mini binges eating too much dinner or cereal
so im very frusturated like you are, but determination
and perserverance is my middle name....

P.S. I was so happy to see you again I had thought
you had given up and I always ask Dr A how your doing
so hang in there and I'll be behind you all the way...
(((Hugs))))
Joan