Dr. Matthew Anderson's Weight Loss Blog: Creator of Eating To Kill, Why You Want To Be Fat, and The Coyote Diet

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #35

Do you, as an adult, actually believe that a 5 year old child is truly “not-enough” or truly unacceptable to anyone, especially the mother that brought her into this world?

Do you, as an adult, truly believe that a slightly overweight (or overweight at all) child of any age deserves to be branded UNACCEPTABLE AND NOT-ENOUGH?

Will you, as a mother and an adult, think this way about your own dear daughter?
Does any of this sort of logic seem rational, healthy and life-giving to you (as an adult)? Dr. A

The adult understands. I get it. This is not rational thinking. In fact, I know that my mother suffered greatly that I and my brothers had serious self-esteem issues. Just a few days before she died, I apologized to her for all the problems I caused. She told me I was her light. But why did not feel it? Why do I still not feel it?

I am in such pain about this, I do not know what to do with it. I am so scared that no matter what I do, my daughter is going to suffer the same fate as me. My mom loved me like crazy, and yet, I could not really feel it. How am going to keep my daughter from having such deep feelings of unworthiness? How am I going to protect her from me?

I do not know how to get rid of this feeling. How do I get rid of this unworthiness? It seems everywhere I turn these days: I am not doing enough; I am not doing it right; I am not enough; I am unacceptable. It does not matter that I intellectually understand my innate worthiness. I do not believe it; I do not feel it; and, I most certainly do not live it.

YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT YOURSELF AS A CHILD. You were not then and are not now unacceptable. You are enough. Dr. A

This past week, I found myself pausing sometime during my day and telling myself that it was not my fault. Some days, I did it more than once. I do not think it helped at all.

When I was a senior in high school, my mom took me to yet another therapist to figure out what was wrong with me. Both my father and my mother were in a session with me. My father tells the therapist that I was fat on purpose. I was fat to hurt him because I knew how much it hurt him that I was fat. I couldn’t believe what he said. I couldn’t believe him. What did know about my motivations as a teenager? I was just trying to survive.

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Dr. Anderson responds to Heidi

Heidi, lets begin with your comments about your mom.

She told me I was her light. But why did not feel it? Why do I still not feel it? Heidi

Sometimes what a parent feels inside (about a child) and how they actually behave towards that child are very different. I do not doubt what your mom told you here. The difficulty is that you experienced and interpreted something vastly different. You felt (as a child) that you were a problem to her. You could not see that her problems with life and herself really had nothing to do with you. So you concluded that you were at fault. That is what children do in the face of a dysfunctional parent.

Your job now is to confront those decisions and make new ones based on more rational information. That is a central purpose in our work together. Is this easy? Heck no! Are you worth it? Heck yes!

I am so scared that no matter what I do, my daughter is going to suffer the same fate as me. My mom loved me like crazy, and yet, I could not really feel it. How am going to keep my daughter from having such deep feelings of unworthiness? How am I going to protect her from me? Heidi

Every introspective mother has this fear, Heidi. “How do I protect my children from the dysfunction in my original family?” It is a very important question and it has
important answers.

1- Your ability and willingness to even ask this question is a great sign. It means you want to work on it. Individuals who assume they will be different than mom or dad simply by making a surface decision are naive and bound for trouble. No one gets free from this difficulty without some meaningful inner work.

2- It is important to practice clear and loving communication with your daughter. Holding her with tenderness, responding to her with patience and compassion, talking to her with interest, listening to her with care, being involved in her daily life...all these things will definitely matter and help her decide that she is loved by you.

3- It is also important to remember the things your mom did that were painful to you. Remember them in as much detail as you can and then decide to be different in relationship to your child. It may be hard to face the dysfunction in our mom but it is necessary in order to NOT REPEAT IT.

4- This may sound a bit strange at first but it is also important for you to decide that you, Heidi, are lovable. We cannot give what we do not have. Your daughter needs you to love Heidi so that she can love herself.

I do not know how to get rid of this feeling. How do I get rid of this unworthiness? It seems everywhere I turn these days: I am not doing enough; I am not doing it right; I am not enough; I am unacceptable. It does not matter that I intellectually understand my innate worthiness. I do not believe it; I do not feel it; and, I most certainly do not live it. Heidi

Heidi, the answer to this issue is this: Your inability to “see” your own worthiness is a way to hold on to the idea that your mom was not dysfunctional. This is hard to face since you loved your mom so much but it is necessary. You can love her and see her faults at the same time.

My father tells the therapist that I was fat on purpose. I was fat to hurt him because I knew how much it hurt him that I was fat. I couldn’t believe what he said. Heidi

Ouch!!! This one hurts. Your father had what we might call a narcissistic reaction to your weight gain. He decided it was “all about him”. His angry/hurt/blaming comments to you were way out of bounds and very hurtful to you.

I couldn’t believe what he said. Heidi It is time to learn to believe yourself and move away from family interpretations of your behavior, including your weight. Your father was very out of touch with your internal motivations and was sadly wrong about you.

Yes, you were just trying to survive in a very difficult family environment.

Can you step back for a moment and allow yourself to feel for that teenager? Feel some understanding and compassion for her. Feel her pain and her shame and feel how much it hurt that her parents blamed her so energetically for her size. Hold her and tell her that you love her and that you will not stop loving her no matter how large or small she is.

Try this imagery a few times and let me know how it goes. This teen needs you.

God bless you. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #34

Heidi’s Journal #34

I encourage you to look more deeply into the direct and painful effects of immaturity in a family, your own family. Look for how you felt, how it shaped your view of the world, of authorities, of relationships, of self-discipline.......etc. I think this process will help you discover that you do have ample reason for your difficulties in life and with your weight. Dr. A

I have been thinking a lot about my mother lately; she died nine years ago this May. I am remembering how painful it was to go shopping for clothes as a young girl. My mother was frustrated because so few clothes fit. I thought she was disappointed in me. She was so unhappy most of the time. She thought life was supposed to be one way, and it always fell short of her expectations. I guess I was one of the many things that were not where they were supposed to be. I learned then that it was never ok to be where I was at; I had to constantly strive to be and do better. I thought that meant that I was never enough. I was not ok as I was; if I wanted to meet the right guys, be in the right job, in the right school, I had to change if not I would never be successful. I never had a chance to really explore what I wanted or who I was; I was too busy defining myself in relation to her limited ideas of how life should be.

I know she only wanted the best for me: the best life. But it just left me feeling very inadequate. It also left me with a very limited world view. There are only two types of people: the movers and shakers, and everyone else. If you were not one of the “in” people, then you were not successful nor would you be happy. I did not have the self-confidence to even attempt to be a part of that elite group. I did not realize that there were many more ways to be successful and happy.

I know you really mean this. I know you feel full of pain because you still believe this is the terrible truth about you. I wish I could climb into your sad heart and talk lovingly to that little girl who holds so tightly and painfully to this aberration of herself. But that is something you have to do Heidi. You need to go to this very sad little girl and tell her it is not her fault. She was not too sensitive. She was not and is not a failure or weak. Dr. A

I can not tell the little girl that it was not her fault. I really believe that it was my fault. My behavior was my fault. How do I change the belief that it was my fault? I did feel a little something loosen last week, as if a bit of rust was knocked off a very rusted machine; a machine trying to come back to life but the rust is just too thick. I felt better for about two days; I even ate better. Then the anxiousness came back, stronger than before.

I hear that believing my childhood was my own fault is self-destructive thinking, but I do not believe it. How many times do I tell myself it was not my fault before I actually believe it? I am afraid that I have only begun to scratch the surface of how deeply I blame myself for everything.

As I burst into tears my husband asks me what is wrong. I tell him. He hugs me and we cry together. Could this be it? Could this be what has been driving me to eat for 39 years?

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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, the simple answer to your last question, “Could this be what has been driving me to eat for 39 years?” is YES. Yes it is probably a very large part of it. It is clearly a significant part and one that will matter a great deal as you heal it.

Now lets explore what you shared.

I thought she (Mom) was disappointed in me. She was so unhappy most of the time. She thought life was supposed to be one way, and it always fell short of her expectations. I guess I was one of the many things that were not where they were supposed to be. I learned then that it was never ok to be where I was at; I had to constantly strive to be and do better. I thought that meant that I was never enough. I was not ok as I was; Heidi

Your Mom’s unhappiness with her own life got confused with her relationship with you. As all children do, you decided, with a great deal of encouragement by her behavior, that it was your fault. You concluded that Mom thought you were unacceptable as you were and that was that. She was right (in the mind of the little girl that you were then).

Heidi, this is how it works. Our parent’s difficulties get visited on their children and the children then are defined by them. Almost all food addicts (Ok all of them) overeat because of this sort of dysfunctional self-definition. Feeling unacceptable and not-enough is painful, daily, monthly, yearly. If this sad truth is real and also unchangeable then the only solution is to eat to feel better. Nothing changes until the individual (you) discovers the source of the pain and begins to heal it.

I can not tell the little girl that it was not her fault. I really believe that it was my fault. My behavior was my fault. How do I change the belief that it was my fault? I did feel a little something loosen last week, as if a bit of rust was knocked off a very rusted machine; a machine trying to come back to life but the rust is just too thick. I felt better for about two days; I even ate better. Then the anxiousness came back, stronger than before. Heidi

Do you, as an adult, actually believe that a 5 year old child is truly “not-enough” or truly unacceptable to anyone, especially the mother that brought her into this world?

Do you, as an adult, truly believe that a slightly overweight (or overweight at all) child of any age deserves to be branded UNACCEPTABLE AND NOT-ENOUGH?

Will you, as a mother and an adult, think this way about your own dear daughter?

Does any of this sort of logic seem rational, healthy and life-giving to you (as an adult)?

Heidi, the child in you, the child who still feels a desperate need to love her mom, is telling you that it was your fault and that you are inadequate and unacceptable. She needs for you to find a sane and rational adult in you that can reach out to her with compassion.

Imagine for a moment that your own daughter comes to you in 3 or 4 years and says, “Mommy, I am not as tall or as small or as thin as the other girls. Mommy, do you still love me?” What will you say to her, Heidi? I think you will pull her close and tell her that she is wonderful just the way she is and that you and her Daddy and all her family love her just the way she is. Right? Right?

So now, it is time for you to hang in there and trust that those couple of days in which you felt a little ‘rust come off’ will continue to happen if you hold on to this truth: YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT YOURSELF AS A CHILD. You were not then and are not now unacceptable. You are enough.

How many times do I tell myself it was not my fault before I actually believe it? I am afraid that I have only begun to scratch the surface of how deeply I blame myself for everything. Heidi

You do this as many times as it takes. You are worth it. Have you just begun to scratch the surface of how deeply you blame yourself? Maybe, but you are scratching the right surface. You are digging where gold is buried. Keep digging…….and keep crying and hugging your husband. Healing will come.

God bless you. Dr A