Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #34

Heidi’s Journal #34

I encourage you to look more deeply into the direct and painful effects of immaturity in a family, your own family. Look for how you felt, how it shaped your view of the world, of authorities, of relationships, of self-discipline.......etc. I think this process will help you discover that you do have ample reason for your difficulties in life and with your weight. Dr. A

I have been thinking a lot about my mother lately; she died nine years ago this May. I am remembering how painful it was to go shopping for clothes as a young girl. My mother was frustrated because so few clothes fit. I thought she was disappointed in me. She was so unhappy most of the time. She thought life was supposed to be one way, and it always fell short of her expectations. I guess I was one of the many things that were not where they were supposed to be. I learned then that it was never ok to be where I was at; I had to constantly strive to be and do better. I thought that meant that I was never enough. I was not ok as I was; if I wanted to meet the right guys, be in the right job, in the right school, I had to change if not I would never be successful. I never had a chance to really explore what I wanted or who I was; I was too busy defining myself in relation to her limited ideas of how life should be.

I know she only wanted the best for me: the best life. But it just left me feeling very inadequate. It also left me with a very limited world view. There are only two types of people: the movers and shakers, and everyone else. If you were not one of the “in” people, then you were not successful nor would you be happy. I did not have the self-confidence to even attempt to be a part of that elite group. I did not realize that there were many more ways to be successful and happy.

I know you really mean this. I know you feel full of pain because you still believe this is the terrible truth about you. I wish I could climb into your sad heart and talk lovingly to that little girl who holds so tightly and painfully to this aberration of herself. But that is something you have to do Heidi. You need to go to this very sad little girl and tell her it is not her fault. She was not too sensitive. She was not and is not a failure or weak. Dr. A

I can not tell the little girl that it was not her fault. I really believe that it was my fault. My behavior was my fault. How do I change the belief that it was my fault? I did feel a little something loosen last week, as if a bit of rust was knocked off a very rusted machine; a machine trying to come back to life but the rust is just too thick. I felt better for about two days; I even ate better. Then the anxiousness came back, stronger than before.

I hear that believing my childhood was my own fault is self-destructive thinking, but I do not believe it. How many times do I tell myself it was not my fault before I actually believe it? I am afraid that I have only begun to scratch the surface of how deeply I blame myself for everything.

As I burst into tears my husband asks me what is wrong. I tell him. He hugs me and we cry together. Could this be it? Could this be what has been driving me to eat for 39 years?

……………………………….........................................................................................................

Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, the simple answer to your last question, “Could this be what has been driving me to eat for 39 years?” is YES. Yes it is probably a very large part of it. It is clearly a significant part and one that will matter a great deal as you heal it.

Now lets explore what you shared.

I thought she (Mom) was disappointed in me. She was so unhappy most of the time. She thought life was supposed to be one way, and it always fell short of her expectations. I guess I was one of the many things that were not where they were supposed to be. I learned then that it was never ok to be where I was at; I had to constantly strive to be and do better. I thought that meant that I was never enough. I was not ok as I was; Heidi

Your Mom’s unhappiness with her own life got confused with her relationship with you. As all children do, you decided, with a great deal of encouragement by her behavior, that it was your fault. You concluded that Mom thought you were unacceptable as you were and that was that. She was right (in the mind of the little girl that you were then).

Heidi, this is how it works. Our parent’s difficulties get visited on their children and the children then are defined by them. Almost all food addicts (Ok all of them) overeat because of this sort of dysfunctional self-definition. Feeling unacceptable and not-enough is painful, daily, monthly, yearly. If this sad truth is real and also unchangeable then the only solution is to eat to feel better. Nothing changes until the individual (you) discovers the source of the pain and begins to heal it.

I can not tell the little girl that it was not her fault. I really believe that it was my fault. My behavior was my fault. How do I change the belief that it was my fault? I did feel a little something loosen last week, as if a bit of rust was knocked off a very rusted machine; a machine trying to come back to life but the rust is just too thick. I felt better for about two days; I even ate better. Then the anxiousness came back, stronger than before. Heidi

Do you, as an adult, actually believe that a 5 year old child is truly “not-enough” or truly unacceptable to anyone, especially the mother that brought her into this world?

Do you, as an adult, truly believe that a slightly overweight (or overweight at all) child of any age deserves to be branded UNACCEPTABLE AND NOT-ENOUGH?

Will you, as a mother and an adult, think this way about your own dear daughter?

Does any of this sort of logic seem rational, healthy and life-giving to you (as an adult)?

Heidi, the child in you, the child who still feels a desperate need to love her mom, is telling you that it was your fault and that you are inadequate and unacceptable. She needs for you to find a sane and rational adult in you that can reach out to her with compassion.

Imagine for a moment that your own daughter comes to you in 3 or 4 years and says, “Mommy, I am not as tall or as small or as thin as the other girls. Mommy, do you still love me?” What will you say to her, Heidi? I think you will pull her close and tell her that she is wonderful just the way she is and that you and her Daddy and all her family love her just the way she is. Right? Right?

So now, it is time for you to hang in there and trust that those couple of days in which you felt a little ‘rust come off’ will continue to happen if you hold on to this truth: YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT YOURSELF AS A CHILD. You were not then and are not now unacceptable. You are enough.

How many times do I tell myself it was not my fault before I actually believe it? I am afraid that I have only begun to scratch the surface of how deeply I blame myself for everything. Heidi

You do this as many times as it takes. You are worth it. Have you just begun to scratch the surface of how deeply you blame yourself? Maybe, but you are scratching the right surface. You are digging where gold is buried. Keep digging…….and keep crying and hugging your husband. Healing will come.

God bless you. Dr A

Comments

[joan]

Heidi on one hand, I think some mothers want a perfect daughter to prove she was the perfect parent. On the other, she wanted an inadequate, incapable, helpless child who could never outshine her, or make her feel inferior. or, she wanted to dominate and control the only person over whom she had power and authority.

An unhappy mother may unconsciously try to sabotage her daughter's happiness, and an entangled or enmeshed daughter may unconsciously sabotage her own happiness to avoid being happier than her mother.

Just adding my 2 cents...
((((Hugs))))
Joan

[Heidi]

Thanks Joan. I will give it some thought.

[Rashmi]

Heidi, I can definately relate to what you were going through with my own mother growing up. Keep up the good work Rashmi

[Paula]

Hi there Heidi,
I have been sick with the flu, and haven't felt like using the computer much. I have been missing your posts. I hope you are still writing...and I hope you haven't gotten the flu.

It looks like you are really uncovering some "gold nuggets" now. We daughters seem to have a lot of emotional tie-ups with our moms. Your last journal on Feb 8th struck that nerve with me.

I had the same shopping issues that you described, as a young girl. My mom was very pretty (and thin)and my sisters were too. I always felt that I didn't "fit" into their mold...that something was wrong with me. Something that should have been a delight (shopping) was always dreaded. I hadn't thought of that until I read your post. When I got into junior high and high school, I always felt compared to my sisters who were "popular." How I came to despise THAT WORD! I didn't ever feel popular, and had no idea how to go about attaining that. Even though, looking back, I might have found some favor with my peers (I was chosen Courtwarming Queen)it never registered with me at the time. I was still labeling myself a misfit. (and possibly still doing that today???)

So, when do we stop with the labels we decided to put on ourselves at that young age, and stop letting our past dictate our future? Whatever happened in our childhood, was in childhood, basically "out of our hands" and now, as adults, we can look at it in a different light and see that that little girl wasn't at fault because she couldn't fit into the little pretty clothes, or the little girl circles at school. We have shown some amazing coping capabilities throughout our growing up years. But now, we don't need to use those anymore because we can look at the situation through adult eyes and see that we were not at fault.

I loved the part when Dr. A asked what your reaction would be if your daughter came to you in 3-4 years wondering if you would still love her if she was "not fitting into the little girl mold." (my words!) Now THAT lets us see the situation as an adult, MOTHER, would see it. The loving words you would use to reassure your daughter should be spoken to yourself MANY TIMES A DAY!

Keep digging Heidi. You are in the gold now. You are already becoming RICH...keep digging.

Your internet friend,
Paula

[Heidi]

Rashmi~
Thank you for writing. There are probably more similarities than differences in our experiences.

[Heidi]

Hey Paula~
Thanks for writing. We have been very sick here at my house. My daughter had high fever for three days and and ear infection. Thankfully, we are all back to our regular routine.

You are so right about the past dictating our future. There are so many levels that it is easy to think I have healed or changed, but then I discover other levels or areas where I am "living out my past", especially in the areas of my own self perception.

Thanks again for writing and I hope you are feeling better.