Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #35

Do you, as an adult, actually believe that a 5 year old child is truly “not-enough” or truly unacceptable to anyone, especially the mother that brought her into this world?

Do you, as an adult, truly believe that a slightly overweight (or overweight at all) child of any age deserves to be branded UNACCEPTABLE AND NOT-ENOUGH?

Will you, as a mother and an adult, think this way about your own dear daughter?
Does any of this sort of logic seem rational, healthy and life-giving to you (as an adult)? Dr. A

The adult understands. I get it. This is not rational thinking. In fact, I know that my mother suffered greatly that I and my brothers had serious self-esteem issues. Just a few days before she died, I apologized to her for all the problems I caused. She told me I was her light. But why did not feel it? Why do I still not feel it?

I am in such pain about this, I do not know what to do with it. I am so scared that no matter what I do, my daughter is going to suffer the same fate as me. My mom loved me like crazy, and yet, I could not really feel it. How am going to keep my daughter from having such deep feelings of unworthiness? How am I going to protect her from me?

I do not know how to get rid of this feeling. How do I get rid of this unworthiness? It seems everywhere I turn these days: I am not doing enough; I am not doing it right; I am not enough; I am unacceptable. It does not matter that I intellectually understand my innate worthiness. I do not believe it; I do not feel it; and, I most certainly do not live it.

YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT YOURSELF AS A CHILD. You were not then and are not now unacceptable. You are enough. Dr. A

This past week, I found myself pausing sometime during my day and telling myself that it was not my fault. Some days, I did it more than once. I do not think it helped at all.

When I was a senior in high school, my mom took me to yet another therapist to figure out what was wrong with me. Both my father and my mother were in a session with me. My father tells the therapist that I was fat on purpose. I was fat to hurt him because I knew how much it hurt him that I was fat. I couldn’t believe what he said. I couldn’t believe him. What did know about my motivations as a teenager? I was just trying to survive.

..........................................................................................................................................

Dr. Anderson responds to Heidi

Heidi, lets begin with your comments about your mom.

She told me I was her light. But why did not feel it? Why do I still not feel it? Heidi

Sometimes what a parent feels inside (about a child) and how they actually behave towards that child are very different. I do not doubt what your mom told you here. The difficulty is that you experienced and interpreted something vastly different. You felt (as a child) that you were a problem to her. You could not see that her problems with life and herself really had nothing to do with you. So you concluded that you were at fault. That is what children do in the face of a dysfunctional parent.

Your job now is to confront those decisions and make new ones based on more rational information. That is a central purpose in our work together. Is this easy? Heck no! Are you worth it? Heck yes!

I am so scared that no matter what I do, my daughter is going to suffer the same fate as me. My mom loved me like crazy, and yet, I could not really feel it. How am going to keep my daughter from having such deep feelings of unworthiness? How am I going to protect her from me? Heidi

Every introspective mother has this fear, Heidi. “How do I protect my children from the dysfunction in my original family?” It is a very important question and it has
important answers.

1- Your ability and willingness to even ask this question is a great sign. It means you want to work on it. Individuals who assume they will be different than mom or dad simply by making a surface decision are naive and bound for trouble. No one gets free from this difficulty without some meaningful inner work.

2- It is important to practice clear and loving communication with your daughter. Holding her with tenderness, responding to her with patience and compassion, talking to her with interest, listening to her with care, being involved in her daily life...all these things will definitely matter and help her decide that she is loved by you.

3- It is also important to remember the things your mom did that were painful to you. Remember them in as much detail as you can and then decide to be different in relationship to your child. It may be hard to face the dysfunction in our mom but it is necessary in order to NOT REPEAT IT.

4- This may sound a bit strange at first but it is also important for you to decide that you, Heidi, are lovable. We cannot give what we do not have. Your daughter needs you to love Heidi so that she can love herself.

I do not know how to get rid of this feeling. How do I get rid of this unworthiness? It seems everywhere I turn these days: I am not doing enough; I am not doing it right; I am not enough; I am unacceptable. It does not matter that I intellectually understand my innate worthiness. I do not believe it; I do not feel it; and, I most certainly do not live it. Heidi

Heidi, the answer to this issue is this: Your inability to “see” your own worthiness is a way to hold on to the idea that your mom was not dysfunctional. This is hard to face since you loved your mom so much but it is necessary. You can love her and see her faults at the same time.

My father tells the therapist that I was fat on purpose. I was fat to hurt him because I knew how much it hurt him that I was fat. I couldn’t believe what he said. Heidi

Ouch!!! This one hurts. Your father had what we might call a narcissistic reaction to your weight gain. He decided it was “all about him”. His angry/hurt/blaming comments to you were way out of bounds and very hurtful to you.

I couldn’t believe what he said. Heidi It is time to learn to believe yourself and move away from family interpretations of your behavior, including your weight. Your father was very out of touch with your internal motivations and was sadly wrong about you.

Yes, you were just trying to survive in a very difficult family environment.

Can you step back for a moment and allow yourself to feel for that teenager? Feel some understanding and compassion for her. Feel her pain and her shame and feel how much it hurt that her parents blamed her so energetically for her size. Hold her and tell her that you love her and that you will not stop loving her no matter how large or small she is.

Try this imagery a few times and let me know how it goes. This teen needs you.

God bless you. Dr A

Comments

[linda tennant]

Hello, this is the first time I've felt moved to respond to any blogs at all, but I feel stongly for Heidi, because my Mum was (is) very similar, but I was lucky enough to have a terrific father who really built me up, and alos was good in school (like Heidi) and this was something even Mum couldn't deny! About her daughter - my daughter was TERRIBLE from 14 - 20, then she got her act together, and now she's great. I'd tell Heide to give her daughter some indication of trust in an area that she has been difficult about, and has needed "maternal correction", to show that Heidi recognises the improvement and honours this. It's not the same as loving gestures, but 1) it's a start and 2) it counts for a lot. I made my daughter, from whom no purse was safe,my trustee at the bank in my absence, and repeatedly told her how much I appreciated her help.
By the way, I'm fat too, but the reason is that I keep taking other people's problems on board, and get upset when miracles refuse to happen more than three times a year!
All best wishes for Heidi, Linda

[Heidi]

Hi Linda~

Thanks for writing. How grateful you must feel to have had a father that really supported you! You were really blessed!

[joan]

Hi Heidi flying by dropping off a message for
you to relax and enjoy a few minutes with an old
friend (Me)

Enduring Discomfort
Missing Our Old Habits
Whenever we make the effort to free ourselves of an addiction or a habit we no longer need, we are often surprised to find ourselves missing the old pattern as we would a familiar friend. This sounds counterintuitive, because we think we should instinctively gravitate toward what is good for us. Yet, it makes a lot of sense when you consider that we humans are creatures of habit. This is why we gravitate to people and places-and patterns of behavior-that make us feel comfortable. Therefore, many of the habits we form are not conscious and are based instead on learned behavior from role models who were not always making the healthiest decisions.

Most addictions begin as a way of avoiding feelings that are extremely uncomfortable, so it makes sense that stopping the addiction means a fair amount of discomfort for a time. The same is also true of habits that we have developed over time that we are ready to release. Just knowing that this is hard, and having compassion for ourselves as we work through this process, can help us to stay the course when we feel the urge to backtrack. It's also helpful to remember that in time we will establish new, healthier patterns, and the yearning for the old ones will disappear. Eventually, we will instinctively reach for things that are good for us, and the longing for positive change may form the basis of a new habit.

The only way to get to this new place is to endure a time of difficulty, which is a challenge we can confidently handle, if we remember that it will lead to the change we seek in our lives. Our bodies, hearts, and minds always need time to adjust to a new way of doing things, but they will adapt, and even become our allies, if we remain true to our vision of a new way.

Dr Anderson is teaching us this new way to replace the bad habit patterns to a new higher
consciousness and that takes lots of input and working the work lessons doing spiritual meditations every day this process takes time to unravel all the bad habits and thoughts that we learned over the years...keep on keeping on Heidi~remember it took
me a year after signing up with ediets to trust and believe in Dr a's work~then I decided to make that big commitment because I like the way he approached weight loss with compassion and a loving way only he
knows with people that were tired of being dragged around by these so called diet professionals who use intimidation to try their products and weight loss plans which left me more depressed than when I started..

And I fell in love with Doc's gentle and kind approach so I hooked myself up to all his
CD's that I brought at lunch hour when I was working~did all the homework he had...
I ate drank and slept his program only because their
was no more places I can go I have ran the gamit with
phoney weight loss places also lost 3 thousand dollars with hypnotist signing a contract~leaving
me broke and despondent that maybe I was too stupid
even to be hypnotised....
Heidi this is the last round-up and the only way out
for us and like me someday you will start dropping
the pounds and the need for food with new acquired Dr A "tools" in hand..

(((Hugs)))
Joan

[Paula]

Joan,
Wow, what a great way to state "how it is." Dr. A will be wanting to hire you to write for him :-)

I really appreciated you reminding us that it takes time and discomfort to change bad habits that we have been acquiring over the years.

I hope to read from Heidi here soon, and find that she took your advice, and is "keeping on, keeping on."

Paula

[Paula]

Hi Heidi,
Just wanted you to know that I've missed reading your journals online. I will keep checking back to see when you have one posted again. Your huge online community is holding you up in prayer with all our arms :-)

Your internet friend,
Paula

[Heidi]

Hi Paula,
I have been very sick. I have started writing again. I hope to be able to continue posting. Thank you for your support. I hope you are doing well.