Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #30

I feel like writing that this is my last journal. My husband and I are fighting lot and I can not seem to make significant changes in my life. I keep waiting for the big “AHA!” moment, but it never comes. I have had some moments of clarity, but not enough. It is the same block. The biggest realization I have had is how incredibly immature I am. That revelation assaults me at very corner. Every corner becomes a scene of self-recriminations and further evidence that I do not measure up and that I don’t get it.

I listen to the stories of others who have lost one hundred or more pounds and kept it off and I ask myself what did they get that I have not gotten? What did they figure out that I haven’t been able to figure out? I read, actually devour, their stories looking for some clue as to why these women have done it. What can I learn from them? Eat less and exercise. That is the majority of what I get. Yet, I do not do it. Some talk about a solid decision they made one fateful day to change, and then they do. I do not.

This means that we all need to face our own limitations and then try to include them in our plans and expectations. Life will remain difficult until we make this decision and the changes it requires. Dr. A

So what are my limitations? What is the piece of the puzzle that is missing for me? My thoughts limit me. The thought that not much would change if I lost weight totally discounts how the process itself, of losing weight, would change me. I had been thinking that the same problems, fears and insecurities would still exist even if I lost weight; that they themselves were the issue, not the weight.

I am confused about self-preservation and the continuation of my current dysfunction.

You too often live as if the Laws of Self-Preservation do not apply to you. Dr. A

I am really stumped by this. I understand that if I do not take care of my self, there are negative results. If I do not sleep well more that one night, I start to get sick. But there is so much more, isn’t there? There is so much more to self-care that I do not do, and I am living the negative results on a daily basis. That is why I am feeling and behaving the way I am?

I am not encouraging you to lose weight so that you can “get more things done.” Not at all. That would be a continuation of your current dysfunction. Dr. A

How is getting more things done a continuation of my current dysfunction? Am I expecting too much from myself and others? I do not understand. I thought my dysfunction was that I am disorganized and distracted and can not move as quickly as needed to complete what needs to be done.

I do not know if I have what it takes to “get it”. I guess the only real failure is stopping the process of trying to “get it”.

..............................................................................................................................................

Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, you begin with the following remark:

“I feel like writing that this is my last journal”. Heidi

I hear you. This is a very tough process. It is no wonder that 95% of overweight people fail at weight loss. It is not a piece of cake (I could not resist that one.)

If you did not feel this way at least some of the time I would worry. Feeling like giving up is a message from your issues that they want you to stop and return to the status quo. The immature part of you is probably screaming for you to forget this whole thing and just accept being overweight and get on with your life. However, the immature part of you does not care if you live to see your child get married and have children. It has no concern about the serious hazards of being 200 pounds overweight. It just wants to be out of pain, no matter the cost.

From my point of view, this feeling, this wish for the difficulty to go away is a good sign. It is a sign that you are keeping up the pressure even when things are hard. That is a sign of maturity.

So what are my limitations? What is the piece of the puzzle that is missing for me? My thoughts limit me. The thought that not much would change if I lost weight totally discounts how the process itself, of losing weight, would change me. I had been thinking that the same problems, fears and insecurities would still exist even if I lost weight; that they themselves were the issue, not the weight. Heidi

Heidi, I don’t think a piece of the puzzle is missing for you. You have the information that is relevant and essential (your immaturity). It may sound mundane but in reality it is not. It is extraordinarily destructive to you.

To be immature as an adult in this very complex and difficult world can be devastating. Imagine being thrown overboard in a stormy ocean after you have had only a couple of swimming lessons. Imagine having to perform any complex task (the outcome of which could be life threatening) without proper training or preparation.

I have said this before (and you have not really faced it ) and it may actually be the “missing piece”: American life is very difficult and complex. To survive requires a number of basic life skills. To thrive requires advanced life skills. Maturity is essential to both surviving and thriving.

Most Americans have difficulty coping with the stresses of our society. I understated the facts here. Most Americans are woefully unprepared to face, manage, cope with the complexities of this post-modern existence (much less thrive). In general, we think, feel and act from an early adolescent point of view and level of maturity. Our life-skills are poor and our stress is high. This sad combination produces a rather extreme set of dysfunctional coping mechanisms. This is evident in the quickly accelerating rates of depression, addiction (drugs, food, alcohol, gambling, sex, work, spending,,,,the list is endless), anxiety, obesity, road rage, child abuse, divorce, debt.

Heidi, did you think you were going to be an exception to this rule? Did someone somehow give you the impression that you could handle this life in a superior way? Have you thought of yourself as more Ok than the average individual? If so then your issue of immaturity may have led you astray and you could have found yourself blindsided by life.

Your task now is to admit to your immaturity, not with self-hate but as a simple fact, and then get on with the day-to-day business of growing up in every way you can. Then your weight will become one part of your recovery process.

Waiting for an epiphany will only sustain your current situation. Ordinary maturity will have extraordinary results.

What is your take on this?

God bless you. Dr A

Comments

[joan]

Heidi I cant express enough how your feelings of
leaving program is so normal~this is my very thoughts
when I think "I DONT GET IT" and feel like a failure
when I think other people do..

and I want to curl up in a corner and resign from
the whole friggin' idea of continuing the Journey
of pit falls and the bloody Sand traps that engulf
me from digging out and the Sand keeps pouring in....

First of all the people who lost a hundred pounds
in the commercials are all young people between
18 years old and thirty years old and they all
say IF I CAN DO IT! SO CAN YOU!!! why do they all
say the same thing?? I have no friggin' Idea??

So my point is at that age its much easier and much
harder for us bigger people and with age and when
all the Jenny Craig People and Weight Watchers people
are getting paid big bucks they better lose the
weight or else lose the big Money so those are the
people you are seeing...you know with Oprah's Millions and a private dietician chef in her home she just put back 50 pounds and she is not
doing new shows because she's lying saying she has
something wrong with her metabolisim and friends
say bull! she's been overeating since the trouble
happened at the school in Africa with her girls
getting abused and this was a curve ball that she
didnt see coming and she ran to the Junk food once
again...

I need to lose 80 more pounds for very serious health
problems and indulging myself will shorten my life
even after eleven painful operations I to dare and
challenge the Spirit Gods and once again find myself
with a box of chocolates that I did not to long ago...

Well Heidi to wrap this up I must say Losing the
Layers and Layers of forty years of living a life
with Rose colored Glasses worked for your survival
but now that their off those glasses just dont do it
for you anymore and now is the Hardest Part and it
doesnt get easy but if your as tough as I think you
are you wont quit until the "Fat Lady Sings" I been
in program 6 years and she isnt singing yet because
Im going all the way and I hope your coming along
and hanging on with all the strength and all the
courage that you have in your beautiful Heart..
((((Hugs))))
Joan

[Paula]

Dear Heidi,
Thanks for the nice note you wrote to me last week. It was great to know that you appreciated what I've been writing...and the best thing is that it helps me too!

I was sorry to hear that you were struggling this week. Thank heavens you are still writing in the journal though. If the rest of the world falls apart, just please keep writing in the journal!

I was glad to see that Dr. A thought the feelings of discouragement were a POSITIVE sign of your progress. I was thinking when I read your paragraph about how those other people lost lots of weight, and I thought..."Heidi, you never know the REAL story on those people." It never helps us to compare or beat ourselves up.

I keep coming back to your statement, "The thought that not much would change if I lost weight...the same problems, fears and insecurities would still exist..." so, since it continues to "hound" me, I will write about it for a minute...I was wondering if you let your mind wander a bit, if you could see yourself down the road living life in a smaller body, but still having the same mind and emotions that you have now. WHAT IF not much changed? Would you still want to lose the weight? (I'm still not sure I conveyed what I wanted to on that! :-)

On the self-preservation thing...I think you might still be confusing your daily taking care of yourself with the bigger way of taking care of yourself...which is speaking up for what you need, saying what your opinion is, and not just putting your needs on the back burner (as they relate to interacting with others.) It's a bit like thinking that you are "WORTH" it to have someone help you, support you, etc.

And the "get things done" comment just seemed like you were minimizing what losing the weight will actually do for you, when you do all of this emotional work. It will be WAAAAAY more than just the ability to get more things done. I believe that getting more things done would be one of the smallest benefits you would experience.

Heidi, you DEFINITELY have what it takes to "get it." If you didn't, you wouldn't have gone this far so well. Just keep telling yourself that the discomfort you are feeling is the impetus to propel you out of the comfy nest of dysfunction and into a new healthy atmosphere! Hang in there and KEEP WRITING!
Your internet friend,
Paula

[Heidi]

Joan~
You said this so well! Rose colored glasses is the perfect description of my immaturity.

"Losing the Layers and Layers of forty years of living a life
with Rose colored Glasses worked for your survival
but now that their off those glasses just dont do it
for you anymore and now is the Hardest Part"

And I am definitely mourning the loss of those "glasses"!

[Heidi]

Hey Paula~

I think you are right. Just going through this process in and of itself, losing weight this way will lead to changes that I can not even imagine, mind and emotions.

Thanks again for your uplifting support.

[Tamara Collins]

Hi Heidi,

I just wanted to let you know how much I have been helped by your journals, and Dr. A's responses. I would read them and be amazed at the revelations that applied SO WELL to me. I started reading about your journey with at least 100 pounds of my own to lose. If I had to pick one thing that has helped me the most, it would be the idea of not letting the baby drive. I may have issues of incompentent feelings, but I KNOW wiht my whole heart I'm a great Mom. So I started mothering my King Baby who always wants to drive. I tell her every morning how lucky she is that she doesn't have to drive, that she can be in the back seat in the baby seat with her bottle and blanket and know beyond all doubt that all her needs will be met. That I love her and I can't allow her to drive because I want her to be safe. Sometimes I talk to others too...like the Elementary school me who, like you, hid and waited to be missed. I tell her to sit next to the baby and look at books and be happy. I tell the teenage me who got her heart broken by a certain boy, that she can sit in back too, and keep the baby company. I tell the college aged, grief stricken, me who's sister just died that as much as I love her, I can't let her drive either. And the adult me who's husband just left her, that she's just plain not stable enough to drive. I try to parent and love them all, and it truly helps me keep the mature adult me, who I know is inside somewhere, in charge and making the decisions.

The other fascinating point for me is "playing small". I know I do, but I haven't yet figured out who I would be if I didn't.

I wanted you to know that these messages have been life changing for me. I've lost 16 pounds and feel that living an authentic life is actually a possibility in my future. Thank you for your bravery.

All my best wishes.
Tammie