Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #33

Heidi’s Journal #33

I am so sad. So, so sad, every time I read the following:

You were a very sensitive and intelligent child and your parents did not seem to be aware that their constant conflict was being absorbed by your little psyche. It was too much to bear and you sought relief in food.

It also seems that your parents were self-absorbed and struggling with each other like unhappy children. That left little time for proper parenting. Thus, you felt lost, ignored and unimportant. You must have also felt very unsafe. There was no adult/parent around to ground you and let you know that the world was not entirely chaotic. Dr. A

When I read that, it is as if there was an actual witness to what I experienced. It seems that my own experience of it is not enough validation that it happened. I feel such a heaviness and I just want to cry. I am crying. I do not know what to do with all of this emotion. I have worked for such a long time to get away from my childhood, to get away, far away, from all that I felt. It still is so confusing for me whenever I try to integrate who I am and how my family is today with the child and family of yesterday. It does not make much sense. That is until you take a closer look at the relationships within the family and of course, at my body size. The relationship between my father and I is much healthier than it has ever been. The relationship between my older brother and I is very strained.

I do not know how to heal from the pain of my childhood. I suppose the first step is to admit that I am still suffering greatly from it. I do not want to admit it. I burst into tears. Why is that so painful to admit? Perhaps it is painful to admit because I do not want to admit that my childhood was difficult. I still do not, can not, believe that it was “that bad”. Why am I in such denial about it? Is it because I feel I am being disloyal? Is it because I was not sexually abused or chained inside a closet? I think my denial ultimately is caused by my deep-seated belief that my painful childhood was my own fault. I let myself care too much about what was happening. It was not “that bad”; I was too sensitive and over-reacted to too many situations that happened in the family. I was too sensitive to comments that were made to me and others. If I was not so sensitive, I would not have been so hurt. I was too weak; I was not strong. I was failure and I did not fit in.

Perhaps it is painful to admit that I am suffering greatly from my childhood because I wanted so much to move past it. I wanted to learn what I could from my childhood and move on. And now I feel I have failed. I did not move on and I am still the lost, confused little girl of so long ago.

So if everything I have done up to this point has not worked, what am I to do? I feel hopeless about this, as if I am a little girl trapped in this large body.

.......................................................................................................................................

Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, this is actually good news. You are beginning to feel the emotions that you have been eating to kill (manage, avoid). Healing will follow if you hang in there with this.

When I read that, it is as if there was an actual witness to what I experienced. It seems that my own experience of it is not enough validation that it happened. I feel such a heaviness and I just want to cry. I am crying. I do not know what to do with all of this emotion. Heidi

We all need a witness. We need someone to validate the pain we felt as children. It is almost impossible to heal without it. Why? Because as children we cannot bear the pain and our psyche finds a way for us to hide from it to prevent out own destruction. When we grow up (physically) the child within us needs a compassionate adult to help us hold the pain so that we can experience it out and finally find peace.

What to do with your pain now? Cry, Heidi. Cry. Allow your feelings to flow as deeply and as intensely as you want. Be with that pain. Don’t eat it away. It may be hard for a while but it has an end to it. I promise you that. It has an end.

I have worked for such a long time to get away from my childhood, to get away, far away, from all that I felt. Heidi

Sadly, most people who had a painful childhood try to run away from it. All that does is prolong the pain. We can no more run from our childhood than we can run away from our shadow. Our only real choice is to find good support and face the pain. That is what you are doing, Heidi.

I could talk about the dangers of running from pain for pages. It is amazing to me how many of us (a clear majority of Americans) hold to the truly self-destructive idea that childhood pain can be avoided with no consequences. But I will control myself here and just settle for the good news that you, my friend, are not one of those any more. God bless you for your courage.

It still is so confusing for me whenever I try to integrate who I am and how my family is today with the child and family of yesterday. It does not make much sense. That is until you take a closer look at the relationships within the family and of course, at my body size. Heidi

I made your second sentence bold to emphasize the truth you stated. Yes, if you take a closer and more honest look then you can see what really is going on. That is what inner growth is all about. If you look you can see what we like to call the “elephant in the living room” (the family dysfunction that everyone silently agrees to ignore). Once you name the elephant you begin to find sanity.

I still do not, cannot, believe that it was “that bad”. Why am I in such denial about it? Is it because I feel I am being disloyal? Is it because I was not sexually abused or chained inside a closet? I think my denial ultimately is caused by my deep-seated belief that my painful childhood was my own fault. Heidi

Yes, you do blame yourself for your childhood but that actually makes no more sense than blaming yourself for 911 or the Holocaust or for Hurricane Andrew. A child does not cause the dysfunction of the parent......ever.

But you do blame yourself and it is time to put a stop to that kind of self-destructive thinking. Self-blame is a way of surviving childhood. If you want in-depth information about how and why children do this then read Donald Kalsched, THE INNER WORLD OF TRAUMA. Simply put he states that children cannot afford to harm the love object (parent). The love of the parent must be preserved at all costs so when the parent behaves dysfunctionally the child blames herself rather than attack the parent.

This is what you did, Heidi, and to some degree you are still doing it. Time to stop.

I let myself care too much about what was happening. It was not “that bad”; I was too sensitive and over-reacted to too many situations that happened in the family. I was too sensitive to comments that were made to me and others. If I was not so sensitive, I would not have been so hurt. I was too weak; I was not strong. I was failure and I did not fit in.
Heidi

My heart aches as I read each word you have written here. I know you really mean this. I know you feel full of pain because you still believe this is the terrible truth about you. I wish I could climb into your sad heart and talk lovingly to that little girl who holds so tightly and painfully to this aberration of herself. But that is something you have to do Heidi. You need to go to this very sad little girl and tell her it is not her fault. She was not too sensitive. She was not and is not a failure or weak. You need to hold her in your arms and let her cry and tell her you love her and that she does fit....she fits in your heart and that is where she truly belongs.

I hope you will read these words over and over until they become truth for you. You need and deserve to heal. This is the path.

God bless you. Heidi.

Dr A

Comments

[Paula]

Dear Heidi,
I am both sad and happy that you are experiencing such powerful sadness. As Dr. A said, “this is the path.” Maybe you can consider it walking through the “valley of the shadow of death.” I am sad that you have to go through this, but happy that you are making such good progress along your “path.” It is soooo good that you are crying. I find that I almost always try to hold in my “cries.” After my Mom died, my husband told me it was good to cry, and as silly as it sounds, whenever I would feel the tears threaten, I would tell that to myself and allow them to fall. So, I’m wondering if all food addicts are similar in that they don’t like to cry…I don’t suppose we like to feel ANY strong emotions, and in fact, haven’t for quite a while, because we have been eating instead of experiencing them! 

When you wrote about your conflict with admitting that you are suffering greatly from your childhood, I decided to tell you something that happened to me that you might find helpful. To me, it was an event that I thought was “too small” to possibly be bothering me so much as to be changing my life and causing depression. When I was about 22, I worked in an office for a man who was old enough to be my dad. I (wrongly) assumed that all men that age considered young women like myself as they would a daughter. Well, as you can guess, he bought new office equipment, gave me a cool office, got me a raise, etc. Then I found out that he was interested in MUCH MORE than just being a good “father figure.” When I told him I didn’t want to play, I was demoted and sent to another office. The girl who later took my place eventually filed sexual harassment charges on him and took him to court (at which I had to give depositions about my experience working for him.) Long story short, this doesn’t sound like too big a deal, (since nothing ever happened between us) but it REALLY affected me. After much counseling, I found that IN MY MIND, I had felt very betrayed by this man who presented one thing, but acted on another…I wondered if I had done something to encourage his behavior, etc. Same old story you always hear…but anyway, my point is that it doesn’t sound like any big deal to a casual observer, but TO ME, it was a big deal because it affected me. No one can predict WHAT events will be the ones that affect one person more than another. So, please don’t feel that you have to minimize your childhood experiences just because they weren’t quite up to your idea of “bad” (meaning in your words, sexual abuse or closet chaining.) If your feelings said it was traumatic, then that is all there is to it…it was traumatic.

It is actually kind of freeing to be able to put a name on the “elephant in the living room” so you can find out what you are up against and needing to deal with. It SOOOO sounds like you are on the right track, Heidi, and thank heavens you haven’t given up when the going has gotten VERY TOUGH. Good job for hanging in there. You can do this! You have lots of people out here who know you can do it, and you have the professional resources of Dr. A.

Praying for you this week,
Your Internet friend,
Paula

[joan]

Hi Heidi I just put this wonderful article in the Forum and I wanted you to read it in case you have not been to the forum as of yet and our great Dr Anderson wrote it I dont know if he remembers it but it was worthy of saving because just recently I connected the dots of my growing up with a
not-so-perfect-mother who still eches her voice from the grave which I fight every day and I now understand and have the tools to block out the voices..
and why we need to go over and over shadows that echo from the past to put our addictions to rest..

(this article brought up memories that were buried deep and just recently surface and very painful)
I now remember that the only time my mother and I had fun was eating goodies together.. she needed an eating Partner just like an accomplice
to a crime spree...and when she felt guilty of stuffing herself she would call "Me" the "Fat Pig" and beat me up......

CHILDHOOD EMOTIONS By Dr Anderson

What do the following foods have in common? Pudding, pasta, ice cream, hot chocolate, pancakes, cookies, cake, candy, doughnuts and popcorn.
These are all childhood foods. They are the foods we ate as kids. In addition, they are "easy" foods because they require little or no preparation. They appeal to a child's palate -- simple and unsophisticated.

Why do so many of us eat so much of these foods, so often? Not one of them is harmful or truly fattening in small amounts. But these foods seem to beg us to overeat them. Who eats one pancake, one piece of candy or one cookie? I don't know this person.

I think there is a good answer to this question. We eat childhood foods to cope with childhood feelings. Am I saying that an adult can have feelings that are decades old? Is it possible that you, an adult person, still have unresolved emotions that began at 3 or 7 or 10 years old? Absolutely.

-years ago I counseled a very special woman. She was 85 years old and still working full-time and drove herself to work (30 miles) every day. One day, in the midst of her session, she began to cry. She immediately became uncomfortable and stopped her tears. When I asked her why, she told me a story that was both amazing and sad.
"When I was 3, I got upset about something. I don't remember what but I began to cry. My mother became very angry with me and told me that if I was going to cry, I had to go into the bathroom, close the door and not come out until I was finished. I remember this like it was yesterday. I did what she told me to do and I have done it ever since. I always cry alone."

As my client related her lonely tale, she began to cry, hard. The pain of the past came tumbling out. She finally felt safe enough to break her mother's rule and allow a supportive listener to share her suffering. On that day, 82 years later, she began to heal.

Do you have unresolved feelings from childhood? Most of us do. The presence of unresolved childhood feelings does not mean you are crazy or particularly neurotic. It does mean you are a product of our culture. You were not taught to acknowledge, manage or effectively resolve your significant emotions. Thus they continue to plague you.

Unresolved feelings are uncomfortable. You don't like to feel them. You resist them. But, as the Gestalt Therapy maxim says: WHAT YOU RESIST, PERSISTS. No wonder you can't eat just one of anything. When the pain of childhood arises -- and it can at any moment -- you have a strong tendency to eat the foods that were most favored as a child. One of my clients described it like this: "I like to coat my feelings with chocolate." --- more »

Willpower is a puny protector against unresolved emotions. You promise yourself, "This time I will eat only one." For a while it works. Then the feelings rise up like an angry mother towering over a frightened 3-year-old. Willpower dives out the window. You will do anything to get away from the upset. So you eat.

Here are a few tools to help you discover the childhood feelings that drive you to overeat. Just reading the exercises will raise your awareness.

1. Make a list of your favorite childhood foods. What memories are connected to these foods? Are the memories pleasant or unpleasant?

2. Notice what is going on with you when you feel an urge to eat these foods. Are you upset about anything? Have you had an interaction with someone that has caused you to have a childhood feeling?

3. The next time you have an urge for childhood food put the food on a plate in front of you. Don't eat it for three minutes. Notice what you feel and what memories come to mind.

4. Talk to your friends about these exercises. Discuss their childhood foods and eating habits.

5. Sometimes these exercises can reveal very persistent and powerful feelings. If they seem overwhelming to you, I recommend contacting a counselor. You may benefit from professional help. Not because you are crazy but because you deserve some support.

As I said earlier, everyone has some degree of unfinished internal business. Time, denial and avoidance will not make it disappear. Get to work. You will be happier, faster.

(Mothers are the people we model as daughters~ what memories arise that echo in your
mind that connects the Dots for you and your bad food choices)

Excellent Article Doc
Joan

[Heidi]

Hey Paula~

Your prayers are hard at work. I have been having a very difficult time in my heavy heart and soul. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps me better understand mine.

As to "naming the elephant", there seems to be more one than one and they are tearing up my family room! It has been very tough.

Have a great week and take care!

[Heidi]

Hey Joan~

Very good article. How did you deal with those feelings that came up?

[joan]

Heidi you ask how did I handle childhood memories? As you know my past history I was at my worse at 386lbs
and like you my only nurturing that I can remember was to surround myself with lots of food...

Dying is easy but getting their is what scared me I
didnt want to die piece by piece...
The obesity took my gall bladder~my Hip (replacement)
Uterine Cancer my doctor said my cells were being choked by not receiving oxygen and my estrogen level
was off the charts~enlarged Heart, All big people
have enlarged hearts from obesity~small lungs the
lungs are squeezed against the walls and have no room
to expand properly~sleep Apnea happens and I had it
all~I was dying piece by piece..

Heidi I managed to lose 50 pounds before I met Dr A
and I was sure I would conquer the disease but I had
no "tools" or "lessons" and leaning towards atheism
because I thought God hated me because the Catholic
Church said I was a Sinner A "glutton"... but after
losing the 50 pounds I started eating out of control
again~I was petrified the monkey on my back was screaming big time for more food~I was desperate and
drowning then Ediets.com Advertisement popped up
on my computer and to make a long story short I found Dr A and it took time for me to open up to him~I was desperate but also I trusted no one who was in the diet Industry but I hung around and slowly I realized this man was sincere and a great sense of humor then slowly I worked with
everything and every lesson and homework Dr A threw
my way and Heidi it didnt happen over night but after
a year of daily routine and lots and lots of homework
lots of CD's I listened to constantly I took all of
his courses like a wolf eating its prey because I felt everything I was taught by family and a society
who rejected and scorned me Fall away with the fat too started dropping off...and my belief
in a Higher Power was restored by Dr A introducing me
to the "Dance" and I been Dancing since...

Heidi the damage was so severe I still have bouts with the food but thank God they're few and in
between~I am here for my 6th year and I still do my
daily routine of spiritual journaling~reading~meditation every day and most
important is to interact in the Forum with other members to connect and gain strenght with each other.

(((Hugs))))
Joan