Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #32

I encourage you to look more deeply into the direct and painful effects of immaturity in a family, your own family. Look for how you felt, how it shaped your view of the world, of authorities, of relationships, of self-discipline.......etc. I think this process will help you discover that you do have ample reason for your difficulties in life and with your weight. Dr. A

I can not begin to express how overwhelming this task seems to me. My father paid us a visit this weekend. His memories and mine seem to be from two completely different families. It was the happiest time of his life. I do not remember him being so happy. I remember him being angry or not available.

All week, the more I thought about this topic, the further I descended into a deep, dark, depressed state of mind. I would begin to think about my family and how I felt growing up. Before I had any hope of achieving any clarity, I would drag myself out of the pit. I was afraid that I would immerse myself so deeply; I would not be able to come out. No, I was not suicidal; I just did not want to go there. I did not want to rehash the fights, the hidden eating, the fear and confusion. I did not want to think about the real implications of my childhood shoe story.

I remember this as if it was yesterday. When I was six years old, the soles of my shoes wore out. As the holes got bigger and the balls of my feet got more and more cut up, I began to stuff paper into my shoes. Then the paper would get holes. One day, my mother was on her knees going through my closet. When she saw the shoes, she asked me why was I stuffing my shoes with paper. I told her that we were poor and did not have money for shoes. Then, as if overcome suddenly by gravity of what I had done and said, she collapsed, sitting on the floor of my bedroom crying telling me that we were not poor and why did I think that. This I remember so clearly because it affected my so much.

We were not poor by any stretch of the imagination. My father was a top manager for a major corporation. So why was I walking around with holes in the soles of my shoes and my shoes stuffed with paper? Because my parents fought so much about money, I thought we did not have any. I never asked my parents to buy me anything, even as I got older and I knew we were not poor. There just did not seem to be enough to go round.

How crazy was my house that in first grade I would not ask for what I needed? No one else in my family had holes in their shoes. Why did I not notice that? Perhaps this was the beginning of not asking for what I needed. I am sure I was already sneak eating by that time. In fact I remember eating a whole serving bowl of chocolate mousse she had made for a party. I sat under the formal dining room table, just before the party, eating the mousse with my cupped hand. I was five or six.

I must delve into this even deeper. I hope I am not sucked in to the point of being lost.

........................................................................................................................................

Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, I want to respond to what you said last before I go to the first.

I must delve into this even deeper. I hope I am not sucked in to the point of being lost. Heidi

This comment is very important. It indicates a very powerful fear that has probably been with you since you were a child. It is the fear of being lost in the pain and confusion of your childhood. As a child you were definitely not equipped to face or manage this pain. That is why the defense of avoidance was put into place. Now when you consider visiting and exploring that pain the child in you emerges and expresses her fear.

I know you well enough, Heidi, to tell you that your adult Ego strength is sufficient to sustain you through a meaningful investigation of your inner pain. You have what it takes. Will it be easy? No. Can you do it and find healing? Yes, you can. You have many strengths that will sustain you as you approach and experience the ugly truths of your childhood. You can count on yourself in this.

As to your Dad having different memories. I am not surprised. A parent remembers from the vantage point of a parent. This is often dramatically different than what a child remembers. His different perspective, however, must not be seen as an invalidation of yours. Your experience was your experience. Your pain was and is real. You are the one who must explore and validate it. Not your Dad.

I just did not want to go there. I did not want to rehash the fights, the hidden eating, the fear and confusion. I did not want to think about the real implications of my childhood shoe story. Heidi

Yes, your reaction to avoid this pain is normal. However, your refusal to work with it will only perpetuate the results (weight gain) of avoidance. You have been using food to avoid the pain of the past. It is time to make a new choice and go for healing.

You were a very sensitive and intelligent child and your parents did not seem to be aware that their constant conflict was being absorbed by your little psyche. It was too much to bear and you sought relief in food.

It also seems that your parents were self-absorbed and struggling with each other like unhappy children. That left little time for proper parenting. Thus, you felt lost, ignored and unimportant. You must have also felt very unsafe. There was no adult/parent around to ground you and let you know that the world was not entirely chaotic. Food, once again, became a friend, a nurturer and a comfort.

Heidi, you are facing, even here, the pain that has driven you to food since you were a little girl. Keep going. Keep sharing. Keep looking and keep on feeling this. Healing will emerge. You are strong enough to do this.

God bless you. Dr A

Comments

[Paula]

Dear Heidi,
Thanks for staying "with it." I'm so glad to see that you were strong enough to resist that urge to quit a couple of weeks ago.

I was happy and sad for you as I read your journal today. Sad that you had to relive that childhood pain, and yet happy that you were doing that. It does sound like you were a very sensitive child since you were the only one "tuned in" to your parents' conflicts and the money issues enough to care & also to try to help in your own way.

I think it also helps to see the disparity that exists between how your child eyes thought you could help, and how your adult eyes see that that extreme wasn't necessary. To me, this is a little picture of what you are doing in your inner work right now...Looking at past experiences that you viewed as a child, and checking them out with adult eyes to find the truth in them. It brings to my mind 1st Corinthians 13:11 about the difference of how a child thinks and how that same person thinks as an adult, and decides to put away (or take down) the childish things.

Isn't it sooo key that you can remember the exact place and situation that you were eating under the table? It is SUCH a picture of how we try to escape and deal with the problem (and looking from this adult vantage point...we see... not too effective.)

Anyway, I think being able to make these comparisons between your child thoughts of then, and your adult thoughts of now is going to be extremely helpful and enlightening to you.

Thanks for hanging in there. You know we are all out here cheering for you. (And you know that for every one letter of encouragement written, there are 100 that were intended to be written.) So know that you are FULLY SUPPORTED in your search for clarity.

Your internet friend,
Paula

[joan]

I really felt the plight of the sad little girl and
the fear of asking for new shoes and I wonder if
you are still trying to fill that hole now with
food instead of Paper....I always look for you in
the Forum searching for a glimmer of light from
your post and then I saw one where you took your
little girl for a walk and I was elated that she
took mommy's hand and you both enjoyed each other
and I pray you continue to do healthy things so
your daughter will model you and never have to
be scared to ask for new shoes because her mommy
is taking care of herself and is happy in her life
and mommy's love lights up the people in her life.
And your little girl feels she can trust that the
world is a nice place to live....

((((Hugs)))
Joan

[Heidi]

Paula & Joan~

How do you both find the time to write me such inspirational notes? Most times
I feel there is just not enough time for everything and rest.

Thank you both for writing to me.

[joan]

Dear Heidi On my journey which is very long and
painful I found a way to ease the pain was to stop
and rest to lift a fallen comrade or maybe just rest awhile to chat with passing friends and each time I
do this I forget the pain for that brief encounter
and Im ready to go forth into another mile stone and another day....

(((Hugs)))
Joan

[paula]

Heidi,
Thanks for your comments. I find time to write to you because what you are doing with this journaling is helping me (and lots of other people.) I always look forward to your weekly posts and sharing in your journey with you.
Paula

[Dolores]

Dear Heidi,

I feel like I have created a monster. When we had lunch a few months ago and I mentioned the immaturity issue, I was hoping that you could look at it calmly to see if it might be worth exploring. I had no idea that it would take over your life.

I've been reading your postings and it seems to me that being perceived as being immature is the hardest thing you have had to live with and that it just cannot be true. And, you apparently cannot accept that it is true. But, that is what children do! They deny it and fight it and say it isn't so. The reality is the kid is still running your life!

It's very interesting to me that you are able to admit to obesity and work very hard at your not letting it get in the way of your life. Yet, immaturity which you can also not let get in your way is treated as some sort of leprosy. What would be so difficult in saying that you are immature?

Do you think that then your obesity would be more your "fault"? Do you feel more responsible if it is your immaturity that is the problem? If you are not immature, is the obesity your parents "fault"? I think there is a link!!!!!!!!

Now, back to what I had in mind when I mentioned the immaturity issue. I told you that I realized that much of my own "stuff" was caused by my immaturity. I told you that at 58 I am still quite immature about some things. But I also told you that it was a relief to know that I can fix those things by just being more aware.

I don't need to look for AHA moments that will change my life because they don't happen. All I need to do is change my life one step at a time and not beat myself up over my immaturity or anything else for that matter! I just need to make small decisions daily to do the right thing! You too can do this.

Don't make a committment to lose 200 lbs. Make a committment to lose one pound this week and get the scale fixed or buy a new one because you're hiding from yourself by not looking at the numbers on the scale. Now that is immature! Next week you can make another committment to lose another pound, etc.

Do the same with the rest of your life. Don't expect these overnight miracles! They just aren't there. You're only 40 years old, you have a whole lifetime to make changes. You have a lifetime to see life through adult eyes, one day at a time. Now stop trying to fly when you need to be standing up and walking! One small step at a time!

Heidi, I love you and pray for you each and every day that you will have a good life. I hope I haven't been too harsh and if I have I hope you know it is because I want you to succeed. You are such an inspiration to sooo many, just look at the posts you get from everyone. Stop trying to complicate it, being immature is OK. You are not alone and you don't have to fix it immediately and/or completely. Just be aware of it and for God's sake laugh about it! I do.

Love and blessings from your friend forever,
Dolores

[Cindy]

Heidi,
Just found this comment spot. You are doing such courageous work and by example helping us all. Joan pointed out some real truths about mothers. Mine needed to keep me immature and needy because she was also. Without me, she was afraid she'd be alone so she hung on tight. I know she loved me, and your mother loved you, they just couldn't get past themselves to really do what was right for us. What do you think?
Cindy