Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal 26

I have had a very painful realization this week. In a parent conference, I
realized that what I thought was my witty classroom banter is in reality
covering up some great and intense anger. I have often wondered why I am
never asked to participate in special assignments by the administration of
the school. I have wondered why I have not been formally recognized for my
innovative curriculum and my work with students, when by most accounts I
have been told that I am a valuable and challenging teacher. Well, after
listening to this freshman's perspective during the conference, I no longer
wonder.

This young man was hurt by some things I said throughout the semester. He
shut down and did very little work in class, while in other classes he was
excelling. I watched him talk to another teacher during the conference and
saw his face light up as he moved to the edge of his seat. The student was
motivated, interested and respected the teacher. Speaking with me, he was
the complete opposite: withdrawn, sad and hopeless. I have not done my job;
instead of motivating him and challenging him I have failed him.

It was so clear to me as I sat there. My immaturity and my open, gaping
wounds have bled out all over my teaching. How many other students have I
"bled" all over? Now, I know it may sound that I am being too hard on
myself. After all, I have been teaching for almost twenty years; the last
thirteen of which I have been at my current school. I have never been fired
or warned or anything of that nature, and many alumni have come back to
visit me over the years to thank me. In fact, two came back just today to
visit with me. Also, I asked for feedback from my senior classes about a
new project I have been trying out with them: all very positive and
affirming about me and the project. I listened carefully and let it in.

But, there has always been something amiss with my connection with the
students. And I figured it out this week as I listened to this young man's
pain. I think back to other "problem" students over the years. I am not
naïve: I know that no teacher can reach every single student they have had
in class. Nor is it possible to say the "right" thing at the "right" time
for the "right" child all of the time. Given that, my immaturity and hidden
(or not so hidden) anger has made a challenging job so much harder and so
much less rewarding.

And then I eat because I feel misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent.
I think "why me?" instead of acknowledging my responsibility for creating
the situation. As I thought about how I needed to change in the classroom,
I felt a huge loss of identity. How do I act in class? If I change my
persona and take out my "witty" comments, what will I be left with? The
freshmen do not need "witty" comments. They need someone who will listen to
them, encourage them and love them. How will I tame the wild anger beast
when it bubbles to the surface as a sarcastic remark? How will I repair the
relationships with my freshmen students?

I have been in much pain as I have faced this anger lurking so close by.

……………………………….......................................................................................................

Dr A Responds to Heidi

Heidi, you encountered your Shadow this week and I congratulate you for your courage, your honesty and your insight. These self-realizations will help you and your students. It would be wonderful if more teachers had your willingness to look deeply and honestly into your self.

Lets begin with your first comment.

I have had a very painful realization this week. In a parent conference, I
realized that what I thought was my witty classroom banter is in reality
covering up some great and intense anger. Heidi

Before you explore what to do about this issue lets look at it together. Yes, you have some intense anger and you have not been aware of it or how it sometimes manifests in the classroom. That is why I call it your Shadow (The Jungian term for unacceptable personal qualities we deny and push into our Unconscious and then act out or project onto others without awareness.)

You give a clue to the source of this anger in your last paragraph above when you say, “And then I eat because I feel misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent.” I suspect this is how the student felt when you visited your anger upon him. I wonder if your anger shows up when a student somehow activates the same feelings in you……misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent. Then without realizing it you get angry, cloak it in “witty banter” and miss the true feeling and its effects on certain students.

It is possible that you feel this way more than you know and yes you probably eat to manage it in addition to acting it out in the classroom.

The very difficult task before you right now is two-fold. Please consider both.

1- Try very hard to avoid going into self-hate about this issue. Self-hate would become a painful place to hide from the truth and will prevent you from looking honestly and effectively at this behavior and the feelings that underlie them. In this sense and situation, self-hate actually becomes a defense mechanism and never leads you to helpful insights or changed behavior. Instead choose courage and some compassion for yourself. This will free you to take an honest assessment of what is happening and will motivate you to make appropriate changes. You do not have to be perfect to be a great teacher and your willingness to look at this issue will certainly make a difference.

2- Look at your anger and get to know its true activators and then we can work them in a productive way that will ultimately give you more energy and creativity as a teacher. The words “misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent” are an excellent starting point.

Here are some suggestions for working this issue.

A- Begin with the thought that productive inner work is always done in a context of compassion. Compassion will allow you to look at your imperfections with clarity and without crippling self-hate. Compassion does not let you “off the hook”. It will simply create the possibility for meaningful change.

You will find compassion for yourself if you remember that you are like the rest of us. We all struggle and we are all imperfect and at the very essence of things we all do the very best we can with the light we currently have.

B- Then take a look at the 3 powerful words you mentioned.

“misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent”

When and where did these words and the pain that they represent begin for you?

Did someone “teach” you how to deal with or act them out them by using “witty banter”?

What qualities does this particular student have that might activate these feelings in you?

C- You might also explore/write an imaginary dialogue with this student. Ask him what is has been like to be your student. Then assume that some part of you is talking with you as this student. This is what we call Shadow-work and it will help you face and integrate the energy we are exploring.

Finally, return to compassion for yourself and for your student. You both have something to learn from these encounters.

Your work on this will help you eat less to manage the difficult emotions. It will also eventually liberate in you a new intensity of understanding, self-respect and competency (notice these are the opposites of the painful feelings.)

God bless you, Heidi, for your courage and persistence.

Dr A

Comments

[Paula]

Well, Heidi, you sure DID YOUR HOMEWORK this week! It sounds like you are "seeing things with new eyes." Is it true that in the past, you might not have noticed the changes in the student between your conference and the one with the other teacher? I thought that was VERY INSIGHTFUL of you to notice that. (And honest.)

I am also a teacher, and I will always remember what one of my professors said in a class. He said that students have a way of bringing to light ANY weakness or "issues" that you have. I have totally found that to be true. One example that I always remember was when I was working as a para for two kindergarten teachers (as I was working to pay my way through college)...anyway, teacher A was constantly "on" this one little guy...call him "Johnny." And teacher B had a student she didn't "mesh" with, call him "Mike." So, at semester Johnny's parents had had enough and requested that he be moved...and the two teachers "swapped" students. I had witnessed Johnny's horrible misbehavior and weak attempts at his work, but in Teacher B's classroom, he blossomed. By the way, so did Mike in Teacher A's classroom. It was such a shocking example to me of how certain students seem to "mirror" something in us that we dislike, and we then "put" that on the student. You might check to see if any of that has happened with you. I sure found it to be true of myself whenever I had a student who just "got under my skin."

Anyway, I hope you will deal with yourself with great compassion and reward yourself for such courage to see something so painful and deal with it appropriately. In my opinion, this is a huge positive and not a negative at all.

I don't think you will have to worry about who you are in the classroom, because a new, "softer, kinder" version of you will emerge and your witty banter will probably just take a gentler, more affirming turn. I think it will be a change that you and your students will welcome and enjoy. That is the beauty of teaching...each day you determine "the day." I am excited to hear how your week goes with this new insight.

Your journal sounded like you were in intense pain over this revelation, and I think that just shows how very much you care about your students. If you didn't care for them so much, it wouldn't have been a big deal (and you probably wouldn't have even noticed his behavior and attitude with the other teacher.)

Thank you for sharing again...it is very enlightening to many of us to see how these issues can just open up a person and let all of the darkness flow out, allowing new light inside. This process you are going through is a great example to MANY. Thank you so much.

Your internet friend,
Paula

[tracy]

Heidi I can relate so well about being misunderstood
mainly and thats because its hard for me to get
close to people or very hard to open up and share
myself and people take this as being unapproachable~

In fact you may notice Im barely in the Forum because
it seems I get confused and feel lost in their~
in fact I feel "invisible" then I get
angry with myself for not having "Nothing" to
report...I just love your dialogue~keep up the
great work your in good hands
Joan