Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal - Week 27

Then take a look at the 3 powerful words you mentioned.

“misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent”

When and where did these words and the pain that they represent begin for you?

Did someone “teach” you how to deal with or act them out them by using “witty banter”?

What qualities does this particular student have that might activate these feelings in you? ~Dr. Anderson

Misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent are three words that best describe the theme of my early life. But if I am to be honest, is an underlying theme of my adult life as well. In light of last week’s journal, this most recent experience with one of my students is indicative that “misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent” is alive and well in my psyche.

I unconsciously learned at a very early age that life within and without my family was about being misunderstood. My mother did not understand my father and my father did not understand my mother. My mother used to say that she thought there was a “china man” (my mother’s native language was Spanish) living between her and my father. She would say something and my father heard the “china man” and when my father spoke, she heard the “china man”. Since neither of my parents spoke Chinese, they never understood one another. Now, although we never talked about it, that “china man” was talking for the whole family! We (the children) never understood our parents and they certainly did not understand us, although they desperately tried in their own limited way.

All this misunderstanding led to feeling disrespected fairly consistently. It is hard to respect what you do not understand and that takes much maturity. Maturity was another quality that was severely lacking in our family. Looking back, it’s a wonder we made through all those years. My parents felt incompetent in most areas of their lives. I know they both struggled at times with feeling competent in their professional lives. She spoke about her and my father’s issues at work.

She also spoke with me the about their struggles with feeling competent as parents. She told me that she and my father took each of us to a psychiatrist when we were each very young. After they took the third child to see a psychiatrist, they were told the exact same thing about my little brother that was told to them when they first took my older brother then me: he, just like his sister and brother before him was suffering from low self-esteem. I think my mother realized at the time the problem in the family originated with her and my dad, but she was too limited in getting the help she needed to help all of us.

So these three powerful words are an inheritance from my parents, most likely inherited from their parents. My mom and dad were in such pain; we all were in much pain. We learned how to “tease” each other, “all in fun”. Basically we just played on each others’ weaknesses. We did not really know how to laugh at our own silliness, but it came easy to laugh at others’ silliness. I remember my older brother being funny and always quick with a come back. I always thought what to say after the fact. I thought that I was not very smart. So, in my family we used sarcasm and humor to hide what we were truly feeling. We could not let anyone in too close that would only provide more ammunition to be used against us. We did not have very healthy or appropriate boundaries.

At times, I am acting out the same behavior in my classroom. To hide my vulnerability
I use humor and sarcastic wit. Unfortunately, it sometimes hurts the younger students who do not understand. And sometimes when I allow myself to get frustrated in class, I use humor or sarcasm to try to hide my anger and fear that I do not have control of the class.

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Dr Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, you have done exactly what I hoped you would do with my suggestions from last week. You looked deeper into your own life and family and made very good and insightful connections.

Here are additional suggestions for working this issue.

There is a part of you that is the same age as your students and it feels “misunderstood, disrespected and incompetent”.

Can you get to know it?

Can you have a dialogue with it and explore how she feels and what she really wants (especially from you)?

You meet this part of you every day at work.

If you stopped using humor and sarcasm as a reaction to it then how would you relate? What if you simply stopped and took a good look at that student (the real one in the classroom) ?

What and who would you see?

What do you imagine is really going on with a student who activates this reaction in you?

Working with these issues will make you a better person, a better teacher and will also help you deal with your weight more effectively.

One comment about sarcasm. Sarcasm is thinly veiled hostility. It may be funny to the observers but it is ALWAYS HURTFUL to the recipient. My advice is to drop it from your repertoire.

Now to the issue of maturity.

“Maturity was another quality that was severely lacking in our family.” Heidi

The truth is Heidi, maturity is a quality that is severely lacking in American society. One only has to watch the daily news and interview shows to observe this sad fact. Most commentators and their guests interact at the maturity level of early adolescents. These shows reflect what is true in our nation. Maturity is not valued, generally, and is often not rewarded. Adolescent behavior such as sarcasm, narcissism, selfishness, impatience is rampant and for the most part the American public participates without any obvious reservation.

I don’t want to go on a rant but I do want to help you see that your family was not an exception to the rule. They were definitely immature, however, and the issue now is how do you face and manage this sort of “training and education”.

You have been programmed to react to your life with immature attitudes and behaviors. OK. You got that part. It is great that you are facing that fact. Now, given that immaturity is not a healthy or effective guide for a productive life in a rather stressful and complex world, what do you do now?

I suggest the following:

Ask yourself the question (daily): What would be a mature response to this situation?

Simply asking the question will make a difference in your choices.

The more emotion you have about a situation the more you need to ask the question.

Intense emotions often invite immature reactions. If you pay attention to this fact then you will not be caught off guard and you will have more mature responses.

This technique will help a lot when it comes to food. I suspect that much of your comfort food consumption is activated by immature reactions to the stresses of your life. You will not give in to a child-like comfort food solution if you are asking the maturity question.

OK, enough advice for today. You continue to show great courage and insight in your inner work. God blesses you. I bless you and your students bless you.

Dr A

Comments

[Theresa Hinz]

Dear Heidi & Dr A.
Hi I have been following your Journal and printing it weekly. I find many good exercises
and idead here. I will continue to follow your journey.
I have now signed up for your holiday special. I know It will help.