Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journal #29

I have been very depressed this week. I was sad and overwhelmed. I did not want to go see my family that came from out of town or to celebrate Christmas Eve with them. I needed help to finish preparing for Christmas day. I asked my husband to help with some errands for our party on Christmas day and help with the baby. He was mad that he had to help when he got home from work on Christmas Eve.

He had a meltdown and said he did not want to go to Christmas Eve dinner at my brother’s place. I told him fine. I think he was surprised that I did not react. I was ambivalent about going, even though Christmas Eve is my family’s traditional night to celebrate. Then we talked. I calmly told him that I do the best I can in managing all my responsibilities: the house, baby, my needs, his needs. I do not measure up or keep up with all that needs to be done. I am disorganized and tired, a terribly combination. He thinks I am lazy. I told him that I had had to adjust my expectations concerning him. He was surprised and asked me which expectations. I also told him that I would not change anything about him because I love him as he is faults and all. He said maybe he needed to go see Matthew (Dr. A).

We ended up going to see my family that night, and he and I were closer. We had Christmas morning with our baby, then, as a team, we finished preparing our house for Christmas day dinner with my family.

Needless to say, but with all this drama, taking care of myself took a major backseat. Aside from asking my husband to watch the baby so I could spend a few moments for myself, I was busy with all the preparations. I went to weigh myself again this week, but the scale was still broken. I have no idea what I weigh, but I do know that I have gained some weight. I have enjoyed moments with my family, as well as with my extended family. And I have taken many deep breaths. I still feel incompetent and misunderstood. I feel that I can not meet other people’s expectations of me or my expectations of myself. And I wonder how much would really change if I lost weight. I suppose I might have more energy to get more things done, but I do not think that is the real issue.

Something is changing in me yet again. I feel that this depression that I have is leading me some new place. I know that I can not continue to feel and live this way.

………………………………......................................................................................................

Dr Anderson responds to Heidi

Heidi, you do not sound depressed to me. You sound “sad and overwhelmed”. This is not strange for food addicts during holidays. You and hubby both seem to be overworked and overstressed. The solution is to simplify your lives. That is a tall order ion today’s world but it is the answer. We cannot live an overworked and stressed life and expect to feel happy and relaxed. It just will not happen.

As I often say to clients, “If you put your hand in the fire you will get burned. You cannot have it any other way.” This means that we all need to face our own limitations and then try to include them in our plans and expectations. Life will remain difficult until we make this decision and the changes it requires.

Remember the popular definition of neurotic: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.

We ended up going to see my family that night, and he and I were closer. We had Christmas morning with our baby, then, as a team, we finished preparing our house for Christmas day dinner with my family. Heidi

Your communication made this happen. You and hubby took a difficult situation and turned it around by talking honestly and vulnerably. It cleared the air and made it possible to re-connect as adults who love each other. Good for both of you!!! Remember this and keep communicating.

Needless to say, but with all this drama, taking care of myself took a major backseat. Heidi

Heidi, I think you got this one backwards. It would be more accurate to say “not taking care of myself creates drama.”

Avoiding responsibility for self-care will always produce negative results. It is important to acknowledge this and accept it as truth that does not waver or change. It seems that you still have not truly faced this fact. You too often live as if the Laws of Self-Preservation do not apply to you.

If you do not like drama, conflict with hubby, difficulties with family, being significantly overweight then you will have to make changes. Meaningful changes. If you do not then expect to feel an intense burning sensation (see above).

And I wonder how much would really change if I lost weight. I suppose I might have more energy to get more things done, but I do not think that is the real issue. Heidi

Heidi, this comment is very telling. You believe that losing weight will not change anything……..so therefore you do not lose weight. The truth is, losing weight will require great changes in you and those changes will lead to even more change. The difference will be dramatic.

I am not encouraging you to lose weight so that you can “get more things done.” Not at all. That would be a continuation of your current dysfunction.

I am encouraging you to lose weight so that you can explore and express the real and wonderful Heidi. Nothing more and nothing less.

Are you ready for the real and wonderful Heidi???

God bless you. Dr A

Comments

[Paula]

Dear Heidi,
You will laugh when you read this (maybe??) but I was actually lying in bed almost asleep on this Friday night, when my eyes SHOT OPEN and I realized that this was Friday, and where was Heidi's blog? I'm not sure I like this new way of not getting your blog in my email box...but I will adapt. I am also a bit "weirded out" about my comments being on a public blog, and not feeling that they are just going to you...but then I have to realize that you are putting yourself out there for EVERYONE every week...

I was VERY GLAD to read about your successful dealing with the conflict with your husband. I thought that was a major accomplishment. It didn't look like you gave yourself very many kudos for it, but I thought it was great. We need to speak up more often and not expect our husbands to "read our minds!" (I'm the worst about this.)

I noticed that Dr. A was pretty much "boot-camping" you in his reply. He is the professional here, so I won't try to smooth everything over and make it look rosy. However, I saw a lot of progress in your journal this week, and it sounds like you even managed to enjoy the holidays a little bit.

It doesn't matter what the scale says when it gets fixed. Just concentrate on what is going on inside you, and what Dr. A is telling you. You have made great progress and I SURE AM GLAD your blog was online tonight. :-)

Good night.

Your internet friend,
Paula

[tracy]

Dear Heidi I know you work hard and to feel tired/sad
and depressed makes it just that much harder but I
must enforced to you what I found out and that its
not the envionment around you but the weight brings
on chemical imbalance and we perceive the world differently because of the chemical imbalance so just
keep working on this and dont give up because the
"HAPPY" chemical balance will emerge in your genes when you come down in weight...I have just
written private messages to some ladies in the
Forum that seem to dropping away and this is what I
told them and Im telling you to because im a long
time Veteran of Dr Andersons recovery camp...
(this is my Letter below)
Hey Luvcats whats going on my friend? I see
some people not participating and we had
a great meeting thursday for an hour and a half
and I thought I would see you and Gail and Eowyn
and Fran but alas I didnt so I just wrote to these
ladies a private message too, I asked them have they
given up way to soon on a very long and painful journey?
Its very hard for some people when the "crap" emerges
and get scared as a Veteran in recovery its a long treacherous journey and worth the pain...
It takes lots of time for metamorphis to happen and
courage and I too wish it would all go away quickly
because I have no patience.
to peel off all these layers from so many years
of wrong thinking and training takes time to retrain
our thinking patterns,,,,I miss all you guys and I
just want to say wherever you are PLEAE DONT GIVE UP!!!!
((((Hugs))))
Joan

[tracy]

Heidi I forgot one more thing to remember and I
promise it to be true and thats why I hate when
people give up way to soon...

"WHEN YOU CHANGE THE WORLD CHANGES"

((((Hugs)))))
Joan

[Heidi]

Hi Paula and Joan ~
I wanted to take a moment to thank you for writing to me. Your support has been invaluable. Paula, you are so insightful and Joan, I have not given up. Thanks again!

[Heidi]

Hi Paula and Joan ~
I wanted to take a moment to thank you for writing to me. Your support has been invaluable. Paula, you are so insightful and Joan, I have not given up. Thanks again!