Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 25

“How do you deprive yourself in the present?” What do you think, Heidi?” Dr A

I think that I am quite stumped. I have been reflecting on how I deprive myself but I am confused by the difference between being deprived and being spoiled. Does one not lead to the other? If I do not deprive myself then am I being spoiled? Or does it depend on what I am depriving myself of? For example, if deprive myself of a cheeseburger and fries, am I actually nurturing myself? So deprivation leads to nurturing. If I act out of spoiledness, I want what I want when I want it (cheeseburger now), then I am depriving myself of nurturing. It seems very complicated.

“Do you really allow love in?” Dr A

Do I REALLY allow love in? Now I find that to be a very interesting question. How does it look when you really allow love in? How does it feel? How does one tell if they are actually letting love in? Is it one of those situations that I would know without a doubt if I was letting it in? So if I am unsure, then I am not letting it in. In the past I have brushed off and trivialized compliments others have given. Now I listen carefully and say thank you. When others offer to help, I say yes; sometimes I even ask for help. I do not know if I am on the right track with this.

“Do you allow yourself to do things that are consistently nurturing to you?”

There are several things that I consistently do to take care of myself that are nurturing like take a shower, brush my teeth and wash my clothes. There are other things that depending on the current financial status of the family I consistently do that are nurturing: getting my hair cut and colored, manicure and pedicure, eyebrows and lashes and massages. Thinking about this has brought up a question for me. I do not experience many of these things as nurturing. I like how I feel after doing some of them, for example, I feel “put together”, but I do not really enjoy doing all those things. The main reasons are the effort they require and in some cases, the money that is involved. I know intellectually that they are nurturing, I simply just do not experience them as such. That leads to the next question.

“Or do you treat yourself the way you were treated as a child?”

My feelings and thoughts were trivialized fairly consistently. I felt as a child that I did not exist, that I was not worth the effort. I used to hide to see if anyone would notice if I was missing. I would wonder how long it would take before they would come looking for me. I was three or four.

I know that I trivialize many things about me and many of my experiences. If I “play it down” it will not hurt as much or bother me. It is, I suppose, another version of “acting as if, until you do”.

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Dr A Responds to Heidi

“I am confused by the difference between being deprived and being spoiled.”

Heidi, this is a good question. It seems to me that you do know the difference based on what you shared in your first paragraph above. However, I can make a couple more clarifying comments.

Deprivation refers to “things” you cannot do without such as love, attention, meaning, enough food and water, self-expression, relationships, spiritual connection, emotional support, mental stimulation, physical activity….I think you get the point.

Being spoiled or spoiling yourself usually refers to the non-essentials like comfort food, unnecessary purchases, avoiding responsibilities, being inappropriately selfish, getting others to take care of you in inappropriate ways…I am sure you get the point here also.

“Do I REALLY allow love in? Now I find that to be a very interesting question. How does it look when you really allow love in? How does it feel? How does one tell if they are actually letting love in? “

Answering these questions could require a book. However, here are some basic answers that I hope are useful to you.

Take a moment. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Then imagine that your heart is completely open to all the love that wants to come to you. Breathe it in. Breathe it in again. Imagine that everyone who loves you is in the room with you now and that they want you to feel totally loved. Breathe their love into your heart. Breathe deeply.

Now open your eyes and become aware of what that experience was like for you.

Could you do the exercise?

Did you hesitate at any point?

Could you feel the love filling your heart?

Please do this exercise once a day for a week. Then let me know what happens.

At any given moment life is full of love that “wants to come to us”. If we are not experiencing this then we have blocked it somehow. Sadly, most people don’t get this. Many people live their lives as the poet Rumi described, “dying of thirst while we stand knee deep in a stream.”

I imagine that more than a few individuals who read this journal today will get rather upset at my comment about the availability of love. Their experience of life, and possibly yours also, is vastly different than what I am describing. Yet, what I am saying here is true. Love is far more available to us than we realize. The exercise above will help you experience this if you will try if a few times.

Letting love in makes the heart happy. It fills the body with warmth and a kind of peace. It lowers the blood pressure and slows the acid in the stomach. Love is healing for old wounds and present stresses and provides a sense of hope for the future. I know, Heidi, that you will recognize these feelings when they occur in you.

“Do you allow yourself to do things that are consistently nurturing to you?” Dr A

Heidi, what you described above in reference to self-nurturing are all what I would call self-maintenance. They are fine to do but they are not really nurturing.

Self-nurturing involves paying attention to deeper and more substantial issues and actions.

Self-nurturing might include the following:

Spending time with people you love.

Doing a daily spiritual practice.

Doing daily exercise.

Doing meaningful work.

Eating healthy foods.

Laughing regularly.

Taking regular breaks from stress and routine.

Vacations.

Cuddling with your husband and/or your child.

Journaling.

Spending time in nature.

Learning something of interest to you.

I hope this list helps. You can add your own items.

“Or do you treat yourself the way you were treated as a child?” Dr A

“My feelings and thoughts were trivialized fairly consistently. I felt as a child that I did not exist, that I was not worth the effort. “ Heidi

Heidi, being consistently trivialized as a child is a form of abuse (in my opinion). It causes great damage that can last into adulthood. To trivialize is to make someone feel insignificant, often invisible and unloved. When that child grows up, she will tend to have the same attitude about herself. Thus she will have internalized a constant source of pain and self-deprecation.

You have said before that you have this tendency - trivializing you and your needs and feelings and thoughts. When you do this you re-enact the painful dynamics of childhood and then like any “good” food addict………you eat.

Your task here and now is to continue identifying these destructive tendencies and make new decisions every time the arise. Are your needs trivial? No, they are not. Is your existence on this planet trivial? No, you are a valuable and loved individual. You have a right to be here and a right to attend to your needs.

“I know that I trivialize many things about me and many of my experiences. If I “play it down” it will not hurt as much or bother me. It is, I suppose, another version of “acting as if, until you do”.

Acting as if will only perpetuate the pain and the self-destructive dynamics. You will have far more success if you continue to name the feeling, experience it and use that awareness to explore yourself . Each step in the process will bring you closer to greater self-validation. Then you will not need to eat to manage the pain.

Thanks for sharing so honestly.

God bless you.

Dr A

Comments

[jessica]

I love that you have opened this blog! I look forward to following it- thanks to you both and love.

[Rosalind Sedacca, CCT]

Congratulations on the new blog. What a great format for ongoing conversations about this vitally important topic. The ability to respond quickly and easily makes this such a wonderful way to dialogue. Will spread the word.

Regards,
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

[gretch]

Hi. Heidi, keep working it's worth it. I started at my heaviest at 331, I have 210 pounds to lose. I am down 65. I gained a few pounds over Thanksgiving. Instead of making December a month of feasting like I usualy do I am allowing myself to allow love in my heart and that fills the void that food used to. It has taken me a lot of emotional work to get to this place in my life. Dr.Anderson might remember some of what I've gone through from being on eDiets. Anyway, it's painful, it's hard, but it's worth it. You are worth it. You are doing great. You are not alone in your quest in needing to lose A LOT of weight... Gretch

[Condi]

Thank you for creating this blog. I am also a woman who is 200 pounds overweight and I have been following Heidi's letters. I will be following the blogs

Condi

[Heidi]

Jessica and Rosalind~ Thanks for checking in!

[Paula]

Support for Heidi
Dear Heidi,
Glad to see you are still doing your soul searching and writing about your discoveries. I hope you realize that you are helping MANY people out in cyberspace who read your entries. I think the new idea about the blog is very interesting. When I first read about it, I thought, "Oh good...now I won't have to wait until Friday to hear from Heidi" :-) But then I read on, and found out that it will still only be posted on Fridays! DARN!

Your writing this time about your idea of nurturing yourself by brushing teeth, showering, etc. just cemented Dr. A's statements about how you deprive yourself and are not even aware of it. Or maybe when you experience what others would classify as "Nurturing", you don't even notice it? I think this is going to be quite an awareness exercise for you, as you begin to realize that there is 1) taking care of yourself (daily needs) and then there is 2) taking care of yourself by allowing pleasurable experiences just for the joy of them. I hope you write a list of things you think would bring you pleasure, but that you haven't allowed yourself to have. My husband always tells me that I don't allow myself "down time" or these kinds of "pleasures." My list of "shoulds" seems to attack me whenever I try to slow down and relax. So, you can see that I'm in need of some awareness activities also!!

I also really identified with your "not letting love in." I could relate to hearing compliments or words of love spoken to me, and I would just blow them off or not fully take them in and enjoy them. Dr. A's quote about dying of thirst while standing in a pool of water is a great word picture of this.

Heidi, you don't sound to me like a "spoiled" person, in the sense of selfishness at all. Sounds like just one more area where you are beating yourself up. Can you imagine how beat up and bruised our bodies would look if all of the internal emotional punches we swing at ourselves showed up on the outside? Yikes!

I did the exercise where you imagine all of the people who love you in a room and opening your heart to them. It was interesting. There were more people in the room than I thought there would be, and there were "levels" of love... I did experience a feeling of filling up a dry area in myself when I did this, and I plan to try to do it each day for a week. I envisioned opening a floodgates and allowing the flood of love to flow in. I'm sure it is different for each person. I wonder what will happen after doing that for a week? I can't wait to read about your experience with it. This is the first exercise I have attempted. I sometimes wonder if you feel pressured to complete the exercises because of the journal and sharing it online. But the up-side to that would be the accountability that MAKES you do the exercise...

Well, I hope you have a fantastic week, and know that we are all looking forward to reading from you on the blog next week.

Paula

[tracy]

Heidi how would you feel if you woke up
thin tomorrow? I asked myself this question
and I felt a sense of Panic like I needed to
cover up my nakedness..

Adding my two cents for all its
worth
((((Hugs)))))
Joan

[Kathy]

Dear Heidi:

I have been reading your journal posts from the beginning and I have been wanting to tell you something for a long time.

A couple of times you mentioned "singing and dancing" as something that you like to do, but then you dismissed it very severely, saying something like "Life is not a musical."

I wonder if that is the message from your soul that you need to hear -- that it is starving for singing and dancing.

Just felt led to say that to you. You are an inspiration and I am sharing in your journey.

Kathy