Dr. Matthew Anderson's Weight Loss Blog: Author of The Prayer Diet

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 10

Get to know that child. Find out, in detail, about her pain, her attitudes and her needs.

She wants to be part of a team. She wants to work with someone and not be alone. She is lonely. She feels that she does not belong and that no one notices her. She does not understand why people around her are mean to her and why they do not like her. She is confused. Nothing makes sense. The people around her do not seem happy very often. She wanted to help and they told her no. She was not respected. She is angry and she is very hurt. She does not understand why it has to be this way: all the fights and anger and yelling. She does not trust anyone. They will just let her down again. She has to figure it out all by herself. Take a good look at the rewards and benefits of having an adult drive your life (as opposed to a child). Make a detailed list of how this will affect every area of your life, work, relationships, parenting, weight loss, play/relaxation time and spiritual life.

If the adult drives I will be less tired. It takes more energy to constantly do something that is beyond your capabilities. I will be more consistent in all areas of my life. I will be less emotional, less angry and more at peace. I will be a better teacher, mother and wife. I may even begin hanging with God again.

My daily debate about exercise would cease if an adult was driving my life. There would be no discussion; I would just do it. That would be the case with anything I did not FEEL like doing. If it needed to be done, it would be done. Whether I wanted to do it or not would not be an issue. Ultimately, that is the bottom line about being an adult. The adult does what needs to be done. The child does what it feels like doing. Somewhere along the way, I confused the two. If it did not affect anyone else, like my own living space or my own body then I had free reign to live however I wanted. I was very shortsighted about that. I did not realize how it would be affecting me so many years later.

Dr. A responds to Heidi

Heidi, you have made a good start with your description of your wounded child. Her experience of life as very painful and she came to some very understandable but ultimately toxic conclusions about her role in this life. You summarized them in your last three sentences:

“She does not trust anyone. They will just let her down again. She has to figure it out all by herself.”

I want you to think of these 3 sentences as the core of how this child views herself and her life. They shape her experience and expectations of herself and others. She is a child who (for good childhood reasons) cannot trust authorities (this could include God). She expects to be let down by them and so she has to handle life all alone.

The trouble is, she is a child and she is wounded. Being a child she lacks adult skills and emotional maturity. Life will be often overwhelming to her. Being wounded complicates things even more because her wound inhibits her ability to ask for or trust any help that might arrive. Given this debilitating combination it is no wonder that she goes so quickly to food for comfort and nurture. Food will not let her down. Food always produces the same result – temporary relief. Food is controllable in the sense that she can get it whenever she wants. Food is a friend that will always be there for her and it will never judge or hurt her. Thus, from the point of view of this wounded child, why should she give up the only trustable friend and source of nurture she has (or has ever known)?
I am glad you are getting to know her, Heidi. She needs you as a friend who will understand her and nurture her with something other than comfort food. As you learn to do this her wounds will heal and she will assume a more appropriate size in your psyche.

I suggest that you continue to write about and dialogue with her. She is a very lonely and frightened part of you that needs and deserves your attention.

Your comments about being an adult are excellent! Everything you said is correct. Now the next step is to make moment to moment decisions to place this adult in charge. It is a decision that will get easier with practice.

It is important to do both things at the same time. Attend to the needs of your wounded child and practice being an adult. One will not work for long without the other. If you try being adult without attending to your wounded child she will rise up and create havoc. You will find that you resent having to be an adult. If you attend to the child without adult practice you will not develop the power and safety she needs to heal and she will continue to run the show.
So make your best effort to explore both sides of this internal coin.

You can do it. The results will be life transforming.

God bless you.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 9

“So is there an easy way? No. But the way is not difficult either. It is simply the only way.” Dr A

The only way. I have thought about this a lot this week. There is no easy way; there is no difficult way: there is the ONLY way. What about my way? I feel a temper tantrum coming on. Why can’t I do it my way? Why don’t the pounds just melt off while I live the rest of my life? It is my second greatest fantasy: that nagging feeling to eat, to feel full would disappear, anything I ate would be unattached to any emotion and food would have as much meaning to me as the gas means to the car. No gas, no drive. No food, no live. And the added bonus, just as the car uses all the gas it is filled up with (never having any excess to store), so I, too, would use all I ate, never having any extra to store away. Beautiful fantasy isn’t it?

Perhaps this fantasy can become a reality. My first greatest fantasy became a reality. It seemed a great impossibility, even greater than the idea of losing weight. I actually meet and married the right person for me and even had a baby at 40! I resisted and fought the idea that I was worthy enough to meet and marry a loving and decent man and that I could have the type of relationship that I knew was possible for others. I was 99% hopeless that it was possible for me. There was a very lonely 1% of me that would not settle for anything less than what I knew could exist between two people.

I spent the first year dating my husband looking for any red flag (any reason actually, that I thought might or could be a red flag) as a reason to end the relationship. Talk about having a wall thick and high. The more I think about the challenges I faced with myself to finally get to the place I am now with a family of my own, all I can think about is how I am fighting the exact same battles and war all over again. I am resisting and fighting the idea that I am worthy enough to take care of myself physically and emotionally. I am 99% hopeless that it is possible for me to want to actually to take care of myself for me. The other 1% of me keeps me writing each week.

So I realized today that if my greatest fantasy has been fulfilled even though I fought and resisted and especially given the added complication of involving another person, it stands to reason that my second greatest fantasy can also be fulfilled.

I was nervous during our first year of marriage. I kept waiting for all the horrible fights, misunderstandings, alienation and dissatisfaction to creep in. We had a baby right away and I figured with that added stress the crap would hit the fan soon enough. I had seen it happen over and over again in the marriages of others. I sought counsel of a wise man who said to me that I was enjoying the fruits of my labors: since I had worked on myself and faced many painful truths and misguided notions about myself and my life, I could now celebrate the wonderful relationship I had created with this man. I did the work and it brought to me my greatest fantasy.

I can realize my second greatest fantasy: the fantasy of using food as fuel. As it is stated in a popular phrase I must learn to eat to live, not live to eat. But I must do the work first: doing the work will bring to me my second greatest fantasy. The work is the way. It is my only real choice.

I have decided to start over again. As each week in the boot camp passed I became more and more depressed. I was overwhelmed by the deep sadness and pain I was reading in all the posts. My husband was concerned for me. I had not realized how debilitating and destructive our perceptions about ourselves and others could be. I have written before how I have gone through life doing things despite my weight and others reactions. I did not know how deeply in pain others were to have stopped living their lives. Reading your stories that you each had bravely shared with me and in the forum had cut to the core of my being.

The internet hiatus forced me to pull away almost completely and allowed me the space I needed to figure out why I was reacting so strongly. I reacted as I did as a child. My parents were in a lot of pain as were my siblings and I. Faced with great pain as a child I would shut down, eat and not take care of myself. I reacted the same way this summer. I was immobilized by the pain that I saw in others and that I connected in myself.

So armed with this new understanding of myself, I will venture again into the depths of OUR pain ready to work with it and hopefully after many battles I can win the war that will bring me my second greatest fantasy. After all, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And did I not win my first war with myself?

……………………………….......................................................................................

Dr Anderson responds to Heidi.

Heidi, once again you speak for so many of us food addicts. We want it “our way” and we get really upset when that does not occur. Here is your comment.

“The only way. I have thought about this a lot this week. There is no easy way; there is no difficult way: there is the ONLY way. What about my way? I feel a temper tantrum coming on. Why can’t I do it my way?”

Let’s go right to the point here. Who throws temper tantrums?????

Children. Right? This means, Heidi, that a child may be (often) in charge when it comes to your attitudes about weight loss…….and maybe other aspects of your life also. If that is true then it will be important to do 2 things.

1- Get to know that child. Find out, in detail, about her pain, her attitudes and her needs.

2- Take her out of the driver’s seat. No one would consciously decide to allow a child to drive a car. It would be a certain catastrophe. Therefore, you need to find a way to place her in the back seat in a car-seat (not out of the car). She is an essential part of who you are but she cannot be allowed to dominate or direct your life. In the best sense of the word, she needs to be appropriately parented.

Heidi, you are a new mom. Your daughter will be tantrum-age soon (18 to 36 months).
How do you plan to handle that?
Will you allow it?
Will you be dominated and manipulated by it?
Or will you make it clear to your daughter that tantrums are not acceptable behavior and that she can learn healthy and productive skills to deal with her dissatisfaction and frustration with life?

I assume that you will do your best to work towards the last option. So why not begin to teach the same lessons to your inner child? It can be done. In fact, it must be done. Your weight and your well-being depend on it.

How do you do that? Apply the 2 guidelines I mentioned above.

1- Do some journaling and explore a dialogue with your “tantrumy” inner child. Ask her about her pain and her needs and her frustrations and her anger. Once you have this information you and I can explore ways to heal and help her.

2- Make a decision, daily, to put your adult self in charge of your life. This is a conscious decision that takes practice but it gets easier as you apply it. Take pride in any forward steps you make with this.

Take a good look at the rewards and benefits of having an adult drive your life (as opposed to a child).

Make a detailed list of how this will affect every area of your life, work, relationships, parenting, weight loss, play/relaxation time and spiritual life. The benefits are tremendous and will include meaningful weight loss.

“I have decided to start over again.”

Heidi, this is a superb decision!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Superb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All food addicts must learn to have this attitude and make this decision over and over again. As I love to say to participants in my food addicts boot camp: “DON’T FALL DOWN AND GIVE UP. FALL DOWN AND GET UP”.

Or as my favorite poet Rumi said 700 years ago:

“Come, Whoever you are!
Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.
Come.
This is not a caravan of despair.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve broken your vow
A thousand times, still come.
And yet again, come!”

Rumi said it most beautifully and I say it bluntly. The message is the same. We all need to start again. And then again. Recovery from food addiction is not a process of despair. It is a journey of hope and healing that includes falling down and getting up over and over. There is much grounding humility in this lesson and it serves us in every aspect of our lives.

Finally, Heidi, you mention an insight about childhood and how it appears in the present. Wonderful! This is the path to self-awareness, healing and new behavior. We are all plagued with past experiences being activated in the present. This is one you and I can explore and help you change. Very good work!

Now, please do the homework I described above. You will find it very useful.

God bless you. Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 8

I have been on hiatus from the forum for the last two weeks; unable to keep up with the postings due to our internet connection problems. I have not been on hiatus from weighing myself or from consciously struggling with conscious eating. I have not lost weight nor have I gained in the last two weeks.

It is so easy to take a backseat to my own recovery when there are so many other needs that have to be attended to. It is easier to care for others' needs than it is to focus and care for my own needs. I have to make me a priority, while keeping the baby's immediate needs met. This has been a challenge for me from the moment she arrived.

Truth be told, even before the baby, meeting my own needs was not a high priority. What others needed was usually more important. Part of my emotional growth the last five years has been learning to recognize what I needed and wanted and learning to speak up and get my needs met. I have made great strides in meeting my needs in most areas except for my food and exercise.

Every day I wake up I must make a decision. Just as I recommit to my husband every morning, so I must recommit to my self. Sometimes that recommitment to me must be made in a moment by moment basis. I struggle with that recommitment because I am always looking for an easy way out. The problem is that the easy way out has led to difficulties that are not easy to live with. I need to deal with the reality of my great mass.

Dr A responds to Heidi

Heidi, welcome back to the Internet. Thank you for another very honest journal entry. You made some very significant comments here so lets get to them.

“It is easier to care for others' needs than it is to focus and care for my own needs.”

This statement is a classic among food addicts (me included). There are many reasons we think and feel this way including family and religious directives. No matter where this attitude comes from we must consider it dysfunctional if we carry it too far. Caring for others is an excellent value. Caring for others and neglecting ourselves is neither wise nor excellent.

The truth about being so focused on other’s needs has a dark side to it. Those of us (I have been there myself) who frequently care for others at our own expense usually do it as a manipulation. We “care” for others in order to create a special image of us and also as a way to indirectly request or demand what we want. Our “selfless caring” then is not so selfless after all but a disguised technique for managing our world.

It is actually very difficult and often impossible to take care of others if we are not taking care of ourselves. Think of it this way. Imagine that you have a gallon of water and that you are in a desert with other people who have no water. You give each person a drink of your water. Soon you have no water. Your gallon jug is empty. What do you do?

Do you keep acting as if your jug is full and go through the motions of pouring water for the other thirsty people? Many of us food addicts live this way. We train those around us to wait, mouths open, for us to go through the act of giving even though we are dry to the bone. It is no wonder that we burn out or dry up. It is no wonder that we build resentment and frustration and then rush to comfort food to drown our pain.

Or do you find a source of water (nurture) and fill your own jug so that you actually have something to give to the others? This is what recovering food addicts must learn to do.

We need to learn to balance self-care with other care. Once we learn this skill we will begin to experience a new joy about our lives. Energy returns, frustration lessens, creativity increases and love flows more easily. Heidi, I know you can learn this.

Now to another comment.

“I struggle with that recommitment because I am always looking for an easy way out.”

Excellent comment! Once again you have nailed the classic food addicts attitude about how to handle life. The easy way out. Beautiful.

Heidi, I apologize in advance but I have to get a bit Zen with you now.

The easy way is the hard way. The hard way is the only way. Finally, the way is not hard or easy, it is simply the way.

Confused? Simply said, we all want the easy way because we food addicts believe that we can manage this world with a child’s attitudes and skills. We wish and even expect that a great parent would show up and hand us the easy solution to our difficulties. This expectation usually has its source in a dysfunctional childhood. We did not get the parenting we needed or wanted and we hope that the truly good parent will someday appear. So we live like a child in hopes that this perfect parent will see our need and rush to our assistance. It never happens.

Why doesn’t it happen? Why does the “easy way” never appear? Because we are meant to grow up and find that strength within our selves. Ouch! Hard stuff.

However, this is actually good news because we all have that strength. We really do. And with a little work (OK sometimes it takes quite a bit of work) we find it and it is incredible!

Heidi, you have a lovely little daughter. What will occur if you do everything for her? What will happen if you make everything easy for her? What kind of adult will she become? In fact, will she become an adult at all? Not likely.

So is there an easy way? No. But the way is not difficult either. It is simply the only way. We can choose to get on with it or we can stay stuck and suffer. Those are our only real choices. Looking for the easy way is the road to suffering. What road will you walk?

I made tremendous progress in my own recovery as a food addict when I faced and accepted this truth. It has made all the difference. I hope this conversation today will help you make the same decision.

God bless you, Heidi.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 7

I am having a very difficult week. Our phone line was disconnected because someone applied for new service with our address. So I have been unable to get online. Writing has also been difficult.
I am frustrated and angry. I guess I did not realize how dependant I am on the wireless internet. I have not been able to keep up with the program this week. I feel that I do not have much to say and even less time to write about it.

As to the questions posed to me last week, I have not spent a great amount of time reflecting on them. It is obvious to me and to others who look at me that at 380 pounds I have tried to an extreme length to fill my blackness with food. I have tried to fill everything with food.

"What is the difference between blackness and nothingness? Black is the operable word here."
I have to say that I did think about this question through out the week and I was unable to get anywhere with it. Other than perhaps blackness is "something" or has "something" under/behind it and nothingness is well, nothing. Definite "wall" action with this one.

Are you aware that nothingness is the source of all there is? Theologically, God created the universe out of nothing. Nothing (philosophically) contains everything.

I have at different times in my life fleetingly entertained the notion that my nothingness was a direct connection to God. I have been unwilling to explore that connection. Even now. I am still ambivalent about exploring my spirituality at such depths. As a young person, filled with the hope, enthusiasm and blind faith prevalent in youth, I felt very connected with God and excited about my spiritual journey. I was very interested in exploring and deepening my spirituality. Then life happened: a series of events that left me with more questions than I was able to assimilate. For a long time I was angry with God; we were in a boxing ring, doing the dance that boxers do. I have not been in that ring for quite a while now, but I am shy and timid, unsure of where I stand and how I feel.

And so I am at a stand still. Acting as if, until I do. I go to church, I say my prayers and tell my baby every night how much every one loves her, especially "Papa Dios" - God. And when my husband is disheartened by how his business is going, I pray for God to help him. Sometimes, I even ask God to help me.

What would happen if I did begin to find answers to all my questions? I hope I would be able to live the answers better than I have been able to live the questions. Beyond that, only God knows.

Dr A Responds to Heidi.

Heidi, since this is boot camp and that gives me a bit of permission to be in your face (at least a little), I will begin with a couple of tough minded comments.

You began your journal with these words: “I am having a very difficult week”.

You then described what made the week “difficult”. As I read what you wrote I reflected on how we food addicts react to life. We typically think of life as hard and stressful and “difficult” and we feel/think we are unable to meet its challenges and so we run to food to comfort us. That attitude, unquestioned and challenged, leads us to confirm our belief in our own inadequacy and drives us to our fattening drug of choice to escape.

Heidi, I ask you to take a closer look at what you call “difficult”. If your phone line and computer being down is difficult what then will you do with the rest of what life brings? Real recovery for all of us food addicts begins when we accept life on its own terms. Then we can find the strength to manage our reactions including our eating habits.

The reality is, in affluent America, that stuff breaks on a regular basis. In the last 7 days my pool pump stopped working, my printer broke, my home computer froze and remains that way, 4 clients cancelled or needed to change appointments, my dog broke out in rashes from an allergy, someone crashed into my daughter’s car, the cable guy took 4 hours to finish a 30 minute job and the electricity went out on our office building and my office refrigerator defrosted and overflowed onto the carpet. This is not all that occurred but it is a good sample. I have learned to think of this as life and I no longer sigh and say the famous food addicts complaint about the “difficult” things in life.....”I don’t need this.”

My theological comfort for this kind of weekly experience is a sign on my refrigerator: WE PLAN. GOD LAUGHS! I look at it every single day and I also laugh. Then I make my plans anyway and wait for the surprises to occur. This attitude really helps me with my food addiction. Laughing about “difficulties” is more pleasant than complaining and is a lot less fattening.

Now for the next subject. You said:

“As to the questions posed to me last week, I have not spent a great amount of time reflecting on them.”

Heidi, what will it take for you to really make a commitment to your self and your health? You have quite a bit of support for this. Why have you not made the time? Is it because you don’t care? Is it because you are belligerent about losing weight? Is it because you refuse to grow up? Is it because you are afraid of the changes that will occur when you are thinner? Is it because blackness is safer than light for you?

I only have one more thing to say on this subject.

Heidi, it is time to drop the “I don’t knows” and the “unsures” or the “only God knows” from your vocabulary. Drop them forever. These are a child’s phrases. They are irresponsible. This is unbecoming (and unproductive) to one as wonderfully intelligent as you. You are capable of answering these questions with great insight and care. ............figure out what you do know..........face the truth about what you do know and what you have to do. Wake up to the messages God is sending you. The wall is placed there from your fears.........on the other side of the bricks is a life that is open to receiving these messages and a healthier Heidi. So get on with it. I will accept nothing less from you. You deserve the best you have to offer. Go for it.

A brief comment about you and God. I suspect that you are correct when you said “As a young person, filled with the hope, enthusiasm and blind faith prevalent in youth,” Then difficult things occurred. Things that made you angry at God and in that anger you disconnected from your faith and from God. I understand that. As a young person you had pretty normal reactions.

Heidi, the trouble is that you are no longer young or naive and you are very intelligent. It is time to let go of your child’s image of God and explore an image and a relationship that is grounded in maturity and depth. Your soul wants this. I know you well enough to be certain of this. You have a deep desire to be connected to God in a meaningful and joyous way. Yet you still hide behind a youthful misunderstanding and hurt. I invite you to drop the timidity along with the “I don’t knows” and interact with God with the passion and intensity that is truly you. You will be amazed at what occurs. Amazed.

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 6

I have spent the better part of the week in serious denial. I did not want to see whether I am black under my fat. I certainly was not interested in reflecting on what it would mean to be black under fat. So I told myself, all week: “I just misread the line, for goodness sake! It’s just one letter difference between blank and black! This guy is crazy!” I was pretty disturbed about it the day I received the response. The more I did not want to think about it, the more it came up. The wall was high and thick and there were no windows.

At the same time I have realized a very curious thing. In the last few days, I have had a strange and unfamiliar feeling come over me; a feeling or interest, perhaps even a desire to take better care of myself and my home. Even to the point of being energized by the feeling. So I have spent quite a bit of time taking care of things that I have put off for a long time; even doing little things to make our home nicer. Are these random occurrences? Or are they connected?

Today, reading last week’s response, all I can think about is the great abyss. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines abyss as: a: an immeasurably deep gulf or great space b: intellectual or moral depths. For me, I experience a deep and vast emptiness; one that “swallows” everything, even light. Sounds to me like a black hole and it has swallowed me.

I have had this nothingness for as long as I can remember. I can not think of a time that it did not exist. Where did it come from? Was I born with it? Is it something inherent in the human condition? Did someone give it to me? Did I create it myself? Why do I have it? Is it necessary? Does it serve a purpose? Can I get rid it? And if I can get rid of it, how in the hell does one do that?

What does this nothingness have to say to me? I do not know. Every week, it seems that I just come up with more and more questions. Never any answers. So I sit here in my nothingness, asking it to speak to me. I hear nothing. It offers nothing. But, I just realized this moment that it takes nothing as well. It just is. What if I could simply just co-exist with it, without trying to fill it up? What would that mean to me? What if that nothingness is just simply a part of my reality; a part of who I am? I do not even know what that means.

Dr. Anderson Responds to Heidi.

Heidi, your comments are, as usual, very interesting and especially courageous today. I did not tell you but I received the following email addressed to you last week in response to my comments about the blank-black Freudian slip.

“perhaps it was just a typing mistake. You cannot always read something into everything. Being hard on herself or having others say negative comments is never going to help her. small portions small portions small portions”

I don’t usually respond to such inane comments but this one got to me and I replied rather bluntly with...
“your brief response says volumes. You apparently have no appreciation for the incredible power of the Unconscious or of the difficulties that obese people suffer with weight loss. Your comment is totally surface and superficial and could not possibly be useful to Heidi.”

Heidi, your comments confirmed my concern and my decision: “So I told myself, all week: “I just misread the line, for goodness sake! It’s just one letter difference between blank and black! This guy is crazy!” I had a feeling that you would struggle with the idea of blackness and I did not want to add to your difficulty. I was actually surprised that we received only one email of this sort. Many people have little understanding or acceptance of the power of the Unconscious and their ignorance can be a great stumbling -block to those of us who are attempting to explore our own depths.

Then you report that something interesting began to happen to you.
“At the same time I have realized a very curious thing. In the last few days, I have had a strange and unfamiliar feeling come over me; a feeling or interest, perhaps even a desire to take better care of myself and my home. Even to the point of being energized by the feeling. So I have spent quite a bit of time taking care of things that I have put off for a long time; even doing little things to make our home nicer. Are these random occurrences? Or are they connected?”

The fact is that these occurrences are definitely connected. Your self-exploration and your even brief willingness to face the darkness, the blackness, began to energize your ability to care for yourself. Blackness that is not faced ( but exists in our Unconsciousness) often shapes how we relate to our selves and our world. It drags us down and drains our self-care energy and resolve. Once we face it, even a little bit, something shifts and we get a glimpse of how life can be if we truly work it through.

Yes, Heidi, the two things are connected. I have had many such experiences over the years as I faced, embraced and worked on my own dark spaces. I have also worked with many clients who have made the same journey and found the same results. Your enlivening experience can be sued as a reference point now. It is something real that happened. You felt it and you really experienced it. It is yours. It is a place of light and hope that you can hold on to when the blackness appears again.

As to your relationship with nothingness. Simply being with it is an excellent idea. Being with it and not running away into food. This will definitely have an effect on it and on you. This is something I imagine you have not done before. In fact it is something most people do not ever do (yes, everyone has a darkness or blackness within them). It is far too scary. But somehow you are finding the courage to approach it.

Your willingness to take the black-blank comment/slip seriously means that you Unconscious knew what it was doing when it brought it to your attention. Now we will work with it.

Here are some more questions to add to your list.

Have you tried to fill this blackness with food (in the past)?

Are you aware that nothingness is the source of all there is? Theologically, God created the universe out of nothing. Nothing (philosophically) contains everything. OK I won’t get too esoteric with this.

What is the difference between blackness and nothingness? Black is the operable word here.

Big Question: What would happen if you did begin to find answers?????????????? What then???????????

God bless you, Heidi.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 5

Imagine that your fat has been covering a large blank canvas. As you drop weight you have more and more space to paint anything you want. What wants to be painted?

Each time I read the above comment, read “black canvas”, not “blank canvas”. I even read “black” when others referred to it in the forum. It was only yesterday that I realized what was really written. I find this quite disconcerting. Sure, at first the inclination is to shrug it off as not a big deal, just not paying close attention as I am reading. But I read it SEVERAL times; reflected on it; thought about it all week. And all week I thought my fat was covering a BLACK canvas.

So why is this so bothersome? Well, first of all, how does one paint on a black canvas? I was very bothered by that this week. What was HE trying to tell me? I suppose I could use white paint. But then what does that mean?

Then I realized my mistake. Why do I feel that my fat is covering a black canvas? Is that what I sub-consciously really think of myself? Why do I see black as negative? Could this be at the core of my issues? I have a VERY hard time believing this could be the case.

As I grew up, I had made a decision that I would not let my weight stop me from doing things. I tried out for cheerleading every year. I ran cross-country freshman year (never competed, but I trained every day for the whole season). I went to the beach and sailing no matter what size I was or what I looked liked. I have always had this attitude. Although others comments or looks might sting for a moment, I had learned at a very early age that it is a very human trait to talk about and comment on other humans. So I forged ahead.

This attitude has served me well and had the added bonus of making me, over time, a self-confident individual. I had learned that even if I did not feel confident at the moment, I would make it happen and do what I wanted or needed to do.

Dr Anderson responds to Heidi

Heidi, you have tapped into something here that may be incredibly significant. Here are some of your comments and then my responses.

How can I be self-confident and see myself as “black” or nothingness under all my fat? What is my subconscious trying to tell me? How can I even think of painting anything?
Each time I read the above comment, read “black canvas”, not “blank canvas”. I even read “black” when others referred to it in the forum.

Why do I feel that my fat is covering a black canvas? Is that what I sub-consciously really think of myself?

Heidi, the Unconscious is an amazing resource that most people pay little or no attention to. It tries to send us helpful messages in many ways including dreams, fantasies and sometimes in what we call Freudian Slips. Your Unconscious has offered you a gift here. It has created what can only be called a classic Freudian Slip. You read “black” where I had written “blank”. Your mind saw something that your Unconscious wanted you to see. Why? So that you would have an insight that would help your healing and your weight loss.

You see, your Unconscious knows that you have begun a serious journey for inner and outer change. When it gets that message it always, always, helps out. This slip, is actually a gift from the deeper part of you that contains great wisdom and healing powers. It is really important that you listen and explore this insight thoroughly.

Why do I feel that my fat is covering a black canvas? Is that what I sub-consciously really think of myself?

Heidi, you have been carrying around an entire extra body (200 pounds) for most of your adult life. That means that something significant is going on inside you. This slip may be a big clue to what has been happening.

What if you do see yourself as a black canvas? What could that mean?

It could easily mean (this is conjecture on my part, please explore your own ideas in depth also) that you feel completely unable to change because your medium, your canvas, cannot be easily drawn upon.

It could also mean that you have a pretty negative (black) attitude about who you are underneath the weight.

It might mean that you feel black inside.

It might mean that you use weight to hide from an inner abyss that frightens you so badly that you hide from it with weight.

The idea of a black canvas may mean additional things. Nothing I have said (interpretations) should be help as gospel here. You must search and find your own answers. Maybe something I have said will spark more insight. We can do this together.

I have an additional suggestion.

Use your imagination and imagine talking with the canvas, the black one. Here are a few questions to get you started.

When did you go black?

What gift do you have for me?

What is scary about you?

Why are you black as opposed to white or any other color?

How can you help me create an authentic self?

Heidi, I say again. Your Unconscious has given you a special gift meant to support your healing and weight loss. Work with it. The benefits will be worth it and so are you.

God bless you.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 4

I lost weight this week; seven pounds. I suppose most people would be excited. “Wow that’s great! What’s your program?” But the thing is I do not feel that I am doing the program. Sure, I am thinking about the program- ALL the time. It’s like a monkey on my back I can’t seem to shake off. Maybe all that thinking makes me more conscious, especially when I eat. I was very conscious when I had a food melt down this week. I was tired and angry and I was very aware that I was eating because of what I was feeling. I suppose I would have eaten more than I did if I was not living with the monkey. But I honestly believe that the weight loss this week had more to do with my cycle than it had to do with the program.

I have spent the better part of the week living with the fear of losing my identity. I woke up one morning terrified that I was losing myself. I had to ask myself: what would it mean to lose the weight? Do I believe the weight is who I am? I have been fat all my life. No, not as big as this! But from the time I was a little girl, I have been “the fat one”. How will I see myself, if not through that lens? If I am not fat, then who am I?

I have not come with any answers to those questions; yet. They are scary questions to me. To ask those questions leave a void that I do not know how I can fill if it is not with food. I suppose that is were being authentic comes into play. If my irresponsible eating behavior is one of the ways I am being dishonest with myself, then it stands to reason that all of my irresponsible behavior is inauthentic.

“Are you living an unauthentic life in some way? Are you holding back your truth? What aspects of Heidi are hidden and need, beg for expression? And finally, what is so painful or difficult about being real?”

This concept of self-expression is one I have a very difficult time understanding. The words themselves I get; I know the definition. But I face the wall every time I try to apply it to myself. I thought I was self-expressing through my work, in my relationship. I have no clue right now what aspects of me are begging for expression. I think what is difficult about being real is the fear of losing who I think I am, of losing how I perceive myself. And if I lose the identity of “the fat one”, who or what will I be?

Dr A Responds to Heidi.

Now we are cooking with grease, as they say in the South. Heidi, congratulations. First on your weight loss. Yes it is good even if you cannot own the reasons for it. You are doing what works...BEING CONSCIOUS. 7 pounds is excellent.

Yes Heidi, one of the things we need to work together on is rehabilitating your ability to get excited. Excitement is good for weight loss and for life in general. 7 pounds is worth getting excited about. 7 pounds is almost the same weight as a gallon of water. Go pick up a gallon jug of water and tell me if your body is not happy it does not have to carry that around all day.

“Sure, I am thinking about the program- ALL the time. It’s like a monkey on my back I can’t seem to shake off. Maybe all that thinking makes me more conscious, especially when I eat. I was very conscious when I had a food melt down this week. I was tired and angry and I was very aware that I was eating because of what I was feeling. I suppose I would have eaten more than I did if I was not living with the monkey.”

Heidi, this is the point of boot camp. To help you become more conscious. All food addicts spend much of their lives unconscious and this is reflected in their eating habits. Do not discount it (as you did above). Accept this fact and keep on being conscious.

“I have spent the better part of the week living with the fear of losing my identity. I woke up one morning terrified that I was losing myself. I had to ask myself: what would it mean to lose the weight? Do I believe the weight is who I am? I have been fat all my life. No, not as big as this! But from the time I was a little girl, I have been “the fat one”. How will I see myself, if not through that lens? If I am not fat, then who am I?”

These comments are very significant. My experience is that most people who have been large most of their lives have great fear about losing that size. They fear disappearing and a loss of the self they have always known. The task here is to face this fear and at the same time work on finding and expressing your authentic self.

“I have not come with any answers to those questions; yet. They are scary questions to me. To ask those questions leave a void that I do not know how I can fill if it is not with food. I suppose that is were being authentic comes into play. If my irresponsible eating behavior is one of the ways I am being dishonest with myself, then it stands to reason that all of my irresponsible behavior is inauthentic.”

Yes, it takes courage to answer these questions. The answers can sometimes change our lives. For many people it is safer to avoid the questions by eating. You have chosen not to do that. You are facing the questions and your fear is understandable. However, the payoffs will be great as you progress.

I am certain that you have been self-expressing already. Yes your work and your relationships do reflect at least some of who you are. The question is HOW MUCH OF HEIDI’S AUTHENTIC SELF IS PRESENT IN EACH MOMENT?

There is no simple and easy answer to this question. But the search for the answers will take your energy away from food and focus you towards your inner depths. There you will find some new creative energy that wants to be actualized.

By the way, Heidi, how do you like writing these articles each week? Don’t tell me about the difficulties. Tell me about what you like or love about it. What are you learning about you as a creative person and a writer? Have you noticed that you are having an effect on your readers? Do you like this experience? Do you want more of it? Can you see yourself as a writer?

Back to your comment. “And if I lose the identity of “the fat one”, who or what will I be?”

Excellent question. Try this exercise.

Imagine that your fat has been covering a large blank canvas. As you drop weight you have more and more space to paint anything you want. What wants to be painted?

Give this a try. You do have something to paint.

God bless you,

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 3

“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” Carl Jung

What is it about boot camp that you cannot stomach?
What do you need to throw up symbolically? We throw up to cleanse our systems of toxic material. What have you swallowed (mentally, emotionally) that makes you sick?

I cannot stomach being real. I feel like the largest (pun intended) coward; my cowardice is in proportion to my size. Being a coward is safe and easy. I cannot believe I am at this point. Why do I want to change? Do I need to change? Do I want to change? I have a wonderful and loving husband; I have a healthy daughter; and besides my weight I am very healthy. What about the little kids that stare at me at the public pool? What about trying to figure out if there will be any chairs without arms every place I go? I pretend not to be desperate. I pretend that I can glibly continue on this path that I am on and that my life is good enough. I pretend not to need this boot camp. The wall is strong.

I have swallowed hook, line and sinker that my life is good enough and especially after last year my life is great. I married the love of my life and had a great pregnancy and a healthy child. I have a good job where I am respected and can “write my own ticket”. I have everything I have always wanted: the happiest time of my life. Yet, I gained a lot of weight in the last six months, and I was big already! What is going on? Do I simply exist in my comfort-zone, following long established patterns? The wall is solid.

I need to throw up all my childish ways, attitudes and beliefs. These child-like ways, attitudes and beliefs were swallowed a long time ago. Although they served me then, they are only causing confusion and pain now. Ten year old Heidi is “driving” my life. She only knows how to make right hand turns and we keep going in circles. How can I accept all this? Until I do, nothing is going to change; I am not going to change. The wall looms large.

I find it hard to eat consciously, period. It is more difficult in front of others because how does one focus on every bite while at the same time carry on an intelligent conversation? If I am studying each bite, smelling and chewing carefully, then I am not listening all that well. If I cared about what others thought about me, I would not be eating in public. So then, how does one integrate this new behavior in a social setting? The wall exists.

The wall: 100 foot high, 10 feet thick wall of resistance. My wall is quite large, high and thick. It is very safe. I am protected from everything, good and bad. More reflection on this next time.

Dr. A responds to Heidi:

Heidi, once again I am impressed with your honesty and rather blunt openness. This will be a major asset on your weight loss journey. I also love your quote from Dr. Carl Jung. We cannot use condemnation, of ourselves or our bodies, if we are to be successful at long term weight loss or any other form of personal or spiritual growth.

You begin with a “right to the heart of the matter” statement. “I cannot stomach being real”. Heidi, what does being real mean? Are you living an unauthentic life in some way? Are you holding back your truth? What aspects of Heidi are hidden and need, beg for expression? And finally, What is so painful or difficult about being real?

Please take the time to really explore your answers to these questions. Your comment about not being able to stomach being real is extremely important. Be respectful of yourself and your insights and give them time to tell you what they really want to say. You have the ability to be very articulate, yet you give too brief answers. Flesh them out (pun intended). Give them the weight they deserve. You may find that your physical weight will not have to reflect what you do not express verbally.

Heidi, a child does not know what to say. A child has few words. An adult is articulate and descriptive and thus powerful in her expression of what she feels and thinks and experiences. You can do this. Your realness, your authenticity will emerge if you take the time and the effort to self-express. Remember, your life depends on this.

As to how good your life is. Yes you have many wonderful people and things in your life. You worked hard for them and you are reaping the rewards of your work. Enjoy them! I do not think your weight gain is related to how good your life is right now. I think your weight gain is related to what you cannot stomach - being real.

Think about it this way. Your child-like ways are not the real you. You have been allowing those ways to drive some of your behavior and that is a way of being dis-honest with yourself and with your world. You are not really a child. You are a very intelligent, insightful, talented woman who has a wonderful ability to see what needs to be done and how to do it. You are a woman of power who hides that power underneath the veneer of body fat. Your extra weight is not who you are. I think you know this and have some fear about admitting it but think what will happen when you do.

Imagine for a moment that you can take the “ten year old Heidi” and place her in the back seat of the car. Who will take over the driving? Make sure it is an adult part of you. You do not have to get rid of the 10 year old. You simply have to place her in the back of the car. She may be happy there. In fact, she may really enjoy being released from the overwhelming responsibility of driving.

Conscious eating. For a while, make your eating more important than your conversation. Talk or eat. Do not do both at the same time. When you talk, put your spoon down. When you eat, stop talking. You can learn to alternate between the two.

Yes, your wall is thick and tall. It will be that way for a while. If it dropped immediately you would panic and be totally overwhelmed. Now is the time to be with it and explore how it protects you. Then we can discuss how to create a door. By the way, you will not have to destroy your wall. It is far too useful for that. You will simply find a way to create a passage through it and then travel back and forth as you see fit.

Finally, I want to revisit an earlier comment. Take to time to express yourself in more depth in these weekly journals. You will find that answers come to you and that your progress will increase. See it as a way to take yourself and your journey more seriously and as a way to respect what you think and feel.

God bless you, Heidi. You are an inspiration.

Dr A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 2

Kicking and screaming here, all week long. Everything was hard; there was one obstacle after another. The largest being my own self. After all, is it not our own attitude and perspective for the most part that keeps us in our own muck? I am not a complainer, yet I find myself wanting desperately to list for you all the difficulties of the past week. Right now, I have a major headache and I am so nauseous, I feel like I am about to throw up. No, I am not pregnant! You see, every time I was able to sneak a few moments away from my baby or husband and read a few posts or emails I would get a headache. I want to stop writing and stop thinking about this boot camp thing.

In fact, headaches and upset stomach seems to be my reaction to anything related to the boot camp! Such reactions are all new to me. I have always had a gut of rock; I could eat anything I wanted, as much as I wanted and I would not experience any negative physical reaction, aside from a “too full” feeling every now and then. Upset stomach? What's that? I did not even have one day of morning sickness when I was pregnant! Right now, as I write this, food has no appeal. I never thought I would not be interested in food!

So I must be dropping weight like crazy! No, that'€™s not happening because I go unconscious so I can eat. I was unconscious for the majority of the week, not just to eat but with the assignments as well. I have many excuses why I am not working the program as presented: the internet was down; the scale is still broken; we were on vacation and ran errands all last week; it'€™s too hard to eat consciously in front of other people; the baby wants attention or is crying. Have you ever tried to focus on anything while a baby is crying? It is damn near impossible!

So is there any hope? There is! First of all I am writing this article: a major feat! Secondly, I have figured out that the headaches mean that I am actually engaged in this process. I believe they are a symptom of my resistance to this new way of being. Now the question what do I do with that? What does one do with the 100 foot high, 10 feet thick wall of resistance?

There was one major success this week! Once the internet was up and running, I was having a hard time being on the desktop computer in our little office alcove with the baby. The area is difficult to baby proof and there is no room for her to crawl or play, so she wanted to be all over me and the desk! That was stressful! So, I had my father install a wireless network. I now can connect to the internet on the laptop in our family room to read and write during the random moments the baby is playing independently.

Thank you all for sharing your words of encouragement and stories. Our stories, our struggles and our joys are the same.

Dr. A Responds to Heidi:

Heidi, thanks for being so wonderfully honest. I know you are saying things that are true for many food addicts. Deciding to drop a lot of weight usually brings up many powerful issues that we all use food to avoid. No wonder you feel nauseous!

I have quoted you below and then followed your quotes with my own comments. I hope this is helpful.

"I am not a complainer, yet I find myself wanting desperately to list for you all the
difficulties of the past week."€

Heidi, I know you are not a person who voices her complaints, however, it seems that you think them with great intensity. I imagine that you eat to stuff them because you have some pretty strong judgments against complainers. Does this make sense?

You made a good list of complaints above and you had powerful reactions to each one. The difference this time is that you have written them down and have shared them with all of us. That may be a contributing factor, ultimately, to weight loss. The sharing (admitting it, owning it) should help you get release from the tension and keep you from eating to manage the feelings.

Now, given what you said about throwing up, I have a couple of questions for you.

What is it about boot camp that you cannot stomach?

What do you need to throw up symbolically? We throw up to cleanse our systems of toxic material. What have you swallowed (mentally, emotionally) that makes you sick?

Try writing your answers to these questions in your next article/journal. We can explore this together.

Now for your next quote:

"It's too hard to eat consciously in front of other people"

What do you mean? Why is it hard to be conscious "€œin front of other people?" What are your concerns about what others think of you?

And finally your last quote:

"What does one do with the 100 foot high, 10 feet thick wall of resistance?"

Wonderful question. It is the first and greatest question asked by everyone of us food addicts who have lots of weight to drop.

First I want to quote from my book THE PRAYER DIET. This is the very first paragraph in the book and it always inspires me. My favorite spiritual poet Rumi says,

"€œStart a huge foolish project like Noah.
It makes absolutely no difference
What people think of you."€

I suggest that you write this poem on a large piece of poster paper and place on your kitchen wall. It helps me and I know it will help you.

Second. Before you try to go over or through the wall, step back and admire how great and large it is. It is YOUR WALL. It has protected you for years. It has tried to be your friend. It is solid, grounded, deep and dense. An army cannot cross it or break it down.

I suggest that you talk with your wall. Yes, talk with it. Ask it to tell you its secrets. Ask it why it has appeared in your life and how it has been helping you so far. Write down its messages to you as if you are writing down the words of God. Your wall has something very valuable to tell you. Stop resisting it and listen. Eventually, it will tell you how to get through it. First listen.

Heidi. Thanks again for sharing so honestly and openly with us. You are helping people you have not even met.

God bless you on your journey.

Dr. A

Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 1

I joined (well not joined, more like dragged myself kicking and screaming in a complete all out temper tantrum) Dr. Anderson's Food Addiction Boot Camp. Now, why in the heck did I do that? Why would I sign up for something that is going to push me, challenge me and give me many, many headaches that border on migraines?

Heidi the food addict. What a difficult reality to write, let alone accept. Yet, at 350+ pounds, how could there be any doubt? A rational person sees it, understands it and does something about it. But are addicts rational? I certainly have not been for the majority of my life. As a child, food was a rational response to an irrational family. As an adult, attempting to live a rational life has been a challenge having not learned how a rational adult responds to rational and irrational life realities. So, where's the food, my next fix?
I am 41, married and have a 7 month old daughter. What am I going to pass on to my daughter? More irrationality? More confusion? More pain? She will encounter the the joy and pain of life just by living, so what joy and pain will I personally add to her "plate" of life? And add I will, simply because I am her mother. The answer is how am I living my life consciously or unconsciously? In other words, how self aware am I? The only path I now see to self awareness is reality. Dealing with "what is", being real.

I am really weighing over 350 pounds. I can not weigh myself at home because I have long surpassed the capabilities of my two scales. I have to go to a store that has a machine that for a quarter I can weigh myself or get my fortune. Hmm, which should I spend my quarter on? Many times I wish I was there to read my fortune not because I really have no other choice where I can weigh myself.

I have already failed at my first assignment of boot camp: posting my weight on Monday. When I finally was able to get to the store on Wednesday to weigh myself, the machine was broken. I must now try to figure out where I can go to weigh myself. A month or so ago, I weighed 372, having lost six pounds from the month before: the current all time high of 378. I have no idea if I have gained more weight or not. At this size, a five or ten pound loss or gain is barely discernible.

Two years ago I weighed 395 pounds, lost about seventy, got married and had a baby. Most people gain weight while they are pregnant. I gained weight after she was born. These fluctuations in my weight are simply the latest in a very long, long list of weight gains and losses through out my life.

So let's get real. I have at least 200 pounds to lose. Two hundred pounds. Even writing out the number does not lessen the reality of it. How am I going to do it? Well writing about it seems to give me headaches and stomach pains that keep me from even wanting to look at food. Even though the pressure of writing this kept the constant food discussion/arguements out of my head, I can not live like this indefinitely. Besides, my husband did not appreciate the moodiness the headache and stomach pains have caused. So I must come up with another plan.

First I must admit that I am an addict and need help. Dang, I really hate writing that! An addict? Me? What? Not me! Other people, sure I see it. Not me, though. I don't need help from anyone. I want to do it my way.

This is the hardest part. You have just met ten year old Heidi. She sure is one tough little girl. She has had to be. Even though she figured out a way to make it through childhood without being drunk, drugged or sexed, she did not figure out how to be physically and emotionally healthy. So she needs help; I need help.
Heidi the food addict. Yes, that's me. I am a food addict. Food: my first love. It's time to end the romance and get real.

Please email Heidi at DrA@DrAusa.com. Subject: Support Heidi and Boot Camp.

A Peek Inside Food Addiction Boot Camp

Now a peek into Dr A’s Food Addict’s Boot Camp

FOOD ADDICTION AND EMOTIONAL MATURITY

Dr. Matthew Anderson

Every recovering alcoholic and drug addict will tell you the same truth:

Once an addict begins using her/his process of emotional maturity slows dramatically or stops.

The addict will not begin to mature/grow emotionally until he/she stops using AND gets into recovery.

If an addict begins using her/his drug of choice at 10 years old and uses until 30 years old, she/he will lose 20 years of emotional maturation.  That individual will then be a 10 year old in a 30 year old body.  She will only have a 10 year old’s ability to manage her emotional reactions to life.

It is my observation that most food addicts suffer from this condition - being younger than their years (emotionally).  Food addicts are often immature in their reactions to the stresses and difficulties of life.  Thus, when confronted with life’s difficulties, they often feel overwhelmed (what 10 year old can handle adult life?) and then retreat into comfort food.

What causes this condition?

Imagine being 10 (you can pick any young age) and living in a highly dysfunctional family.  You feel fear, hurt, abandonment, anger, etc.  How do you cope?  You cannot run away (flight) and you cannot fight.  How do you manage the intense emotions that beset you almost daily?  Most food addicts find their escape in food.  They discover that comfort food eases the pain and takes them away from the painful reality that cannot be handled any other way.  Their drug of choice becomes comfort food.  This is how a food addict is born. 

In a real sense the food addict, who is too young for fight or flight learns to use food to freeze.

The food addict, as a child, freezes her emotions with comfort food in order to survive and to cope.  This technique, actually rather creative and adaptive, works in the sense that it makes survival possible.  However a great but initially unknown price is paid.  Not only does that individual become addicted to certain kinds of food but she also becomes frozen in her maturation process.  If she becomes a food addict at 10 then her emotional approach to life will be deeply influenced by this context until and unless she enters recovery.  Simply losing weight will not solve this problem.

Question: Is any child (from 3 to 19) truly capable of facing and productively managing his/her life?

Question: What sort of reactions to life’s stresses will this individual have?

Questions: What will occur when this individual (who is far younger internally than her years) attempts to stop using her drug of choice (comfort food)?  What chance of success will she have if she is only 10 emotionally?

Question: How can any food addict lose weight and keep if off if she or he does not know this information and have help dealing with it?

Question: Why is it impossible to solve this problem by simply losing weight? 

Because losing weight does not cause emotional maturity.  A brief encounter with will power (to drop a few or many pounds) is no replacement or compensation for lost emotional maturity.  Once deprived of her drug of choice the addict has no buffer from the harsh stresses of life.  Unless she finds support, guidance and growth in a recovery process she will almost always revert back to her addiction and re-gain all of the weight she lost.

The task for most food addicts is to identify their internal level of maturity and then engage in a meaningful process of support and recovery in order to grow-up in the best sense of that term.  An awareness of this reality makes the recovery process easier and greatly increases the addict’s possibility of success.

Questions for serious exploration:

1- When (what age) did you begin to use comfort food as a drug of choice in order to survive a difficult childhood?

2-  How does your current internal maturation age affect your ability to face and manage your life?

3- Can you identify the child-like attitudes that have carried over from your youth?  How do they affect your life today (relationships, work, friendships, self-expression, etc.)?

4- In what areas do you want/need to grow up?

GOOD NEWS:  It does not take one year of growth to make up for one year of immaturity.  If you are 15 years behind you don’t need 15 years of inner work to grow up.  You can make tremendous progress in a comparably brief amount of time IF you make a deep commitment to your growing up process.