Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 4

I lost weight this week; seven pounds.  I suppose most people would be excited.  “Wow that’s great!  What’s your program?”  But the thing is I do not feel that I am doing the program.  Sure, I am thinking about the program- ALL the time.  It’s like a monkey on my back I can’t seem to shake off.  Maybe all that thinking makes me more conscious, especially when I eat.  I was very conscious when I had a food melt down this week.  I was tired and angry and I was very aware that I was eating because of what I was feeling.  I suppose I would have eaten more than I did if I was not living with the monkey.  But I honestly believe that the weight loss this week had more to do with my cycle than it had to do with the program.

I have spent the better part of the week living with the fear of losing my identity. I woke up one morning terrified that I was losing myself.  I had to ask myself: what would it mean to lose the weight?  Do I believe the weight is who I am?  I have been fat all my life.  No, not as big as this!  But from the time I was a little girl, I have been “the fat one”.  How will I see myself, if not through that lens?  If I am not fat, then who am I?

I have not come with any answers to those questions; yet. They are scary questions to me.  To ask those questions leave a void that I do not know how I can fill if it is not with food.  I suppose that is were being authentic comes into play.  If my irresponsible eating behavior is one of the ways I am being dishonest with myself, then it stands to reason that all of my irresponsible behavior is inauthentic.

“Are you living an unauthentic life in some way?  Are you holding back your truth?  What aspects of Heidi are hidden and need, beg for expression?  And finally, what is so painful or difficult about being real?”

This concept of self-expression is one I have a very difficult time understanding.  The words themselves I get; I know the definition.  But I face the wall every time I try to apply it to myself.  I thought I was self-expressing through my work, in my relationship.  I have no clue right now what aspects of me are begging for expression.  I think what is difficult about being real is the fear of losing who I think I am, of losing how I perceive myself.  And if I lose the identity of “the fat one”, who or what will I be?

Dr A Responds to Heidi.

Now we are cooking with grease, as they say in the South.  Heidi, congratulations.  First on your weight loss.  Yes it is good even if you cannot own the reasons for it.  You are doing what works...BEING CONSCIOUS.  7 pounds is excellent.

Yes Heidi, one of the things we need to work together on is rehabilitating your ability to get excited.  Excitement is good for weight loss and for life in general.  7 pounds is worth getting excited about.  7 pounds is almost the same weight as a gallon of water.  Go pick up a gallon jug of water and tell me if your body is not happy it does not have to carry that around all day.

“Sure, I am thinking about the program- ALL the time.  It’s like a monkey on my back I can’t seem to shake off.  Maybe all that thinking makes me more conscious, especially when I eat.  I was very conscious when I had a food melt down this week.  I was tired and angry and I was very aware that I was eating because of what I was feeling.  I suppose I would have eaten more than I did if I was not living with the monkey.”

Heidi, this is the point of boot camp.  To help you become more conscious.  All food addicts spend much of their lives unconscious and this is reflected in their eating habits.  Do not discount it (as you did above).  Accept this fact and keep on being conscious.

“I have spent the better part of the week living with the fear of losing my identity. I woke up one morning terrified that I was losing myself.  I had to ask myself: what would it mean to lose the weight?  Do I believe the weight is who I am?  I have been fat all my life.  No, not as big as this!  But from the time I was a little girl, I have been “the fat one”.  How will I see myself, if not through that lens?  If I am not fat, then who am I?”

These comments are very significant.  My experience is that most people who have been large most of their lives have great fear about losing that size.  They fear disappearing and a loss of the self they have always known.  The task here is to face this fear and at the same time work on finding and expressing your authentic self.

“I have not come with any answers to those questions; yet. They are scary questions to me.  To ask those questions leave a void that I do not know how I can fill if it is not with food.  I suppose that is were being authentic comes into play.  If my irresponsible eating behavior is one of the ways I am being dishonest with myself, then it stands to reason that all of my irresponsible behavior is inauthentic.”

Yes, it takes courage to answer these questions.  The answers can sometimes change our lives.  For many people it is safer to avoid the questions by eating.  You have chosen not to do that.  You are facing the questions and your fear is understandable.  However, the payoffs will be great as you progress.

I am certain that you have been self-expressing already.  Yes your work and your relationships do reflect at least some of who you are.  The question is HOW MUCH OF HEIDI’S AUTHENTIC SELF IS PRESENT IN EACH MOMENT?

There is no simple and easy answer to this question.  But the search for the answers will take your energy away from food and focus you towards your inner depths.  There you will find some new creative energy that wants to be actualized.

By the way, Heidi, how do you like writing these articles each week?  Don’t tell me about the difficulties.  Tell me about what you like or love about it.  What are you learning about you as a creative person and a writer?  Have you noticed that you are having an effect on your readers?  Do you like this experience?  Do you want more of it?  Can you see yourself as a writer?

Back to your comment.  “And if I lose the identity of “the fat one”, who or what will I be?”

Excellent question.  Try this exercise.

Imagine that your fat has been covering a large blank canvas.  As you drop weight you have more and more space to paint anything you want. What wants to be painted?

Give this a try.  You do have something to paint.

God bless you,

Dr. A