Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 9

“So is there an easy way? No. But the way is not difficult either. It is simply the only way.” Dr A

The only way. I have thought about this a lot this week. There is no easy way; there is no difficult way: there is the ONLY way. What about my way? I feel a temper tantrum coming on. Why can’t I do it my way? Why don’t the pounds just melt off while I live the rest of my life? It is my second greatest fantasy: that nagging feeling to eat, to feel full would disappear, anything I ate would be unattached to any emotion and food would have as much meaning to me as the gas means to the car. No gas, no drive. No food, no live. And the added bonus, just as the car uses all the gas it is filled up with (never having any excess to store), so I, too, would use all I ate, never having any extra to store away. Beautiful fantasy isn’t it?

Perhaps this fantasy can become a reality. My first greatest fantasy became a reality. It seemed a great impossibility, even greater than the idea of losing weight. I actually meet and married the right person for me and even had a baby at 40! I resisted and fought the idea that I was worthy enough to meet and marry a loving and decent man and that I could have the type of relationship that I knew was possible for others. I was 99% hopeless that it was possible for me. There was a very lonely 1% of me that would not settle for anything less than what I knew could exist between two people.

I spent the first year dating my husband looking for any red flag (any reason actually, that I thought might or could be a red flag) as a reason to end the relationship. Talk about having a wall thick and high. The more I think about the challenges I faced with myself to finally get to the place I am now with a family of my own, all I can think about is how I am fighting the exact same battles and war all over again. I am resisting and fighting the idea that I am worthy enough to take care of myself physically and emotionally. I am 99% hopeless that it is possible for me to want to actually to take care of myself for me. The other 1% of me keeps me writing each week.

So I realized today that if my greatest fantasy has been fulfilled even though I fought and resisted and especially given the added complication of involving another person, it stands to reason that my second greatest fantasy can also be fulfilled.

I was nervous during our first year of marriage. I kept waiting for all the horrible fights, misunderstandings, alienation and dissatisfaction to creep in. We had a baby right away and I figured with that added stress the crap would hit the fan soon enough. I had seen it happen over and over again in the marriages of others. I sought counsel of a wise man who said to me that I was enjoying the fruits of my labors: since I had worked on myself and faced many painful truths and misguided notions about myself and my life, I could now celebrate the wonderful relationship I had created with this man. I did the work and it brought to me my greatest fantasy.

I can realize my second greatest fantasy: the fantasy of using food as fuel. As it is stated in a popular phrase I must learn to eat to live, not live to eat. But I must do the work first: doing the work will bring to me my second greatest fantasy. The work is the way. It is my only real choice.

I have decided to start over again. As each week in the boot camp passed I became more and more depressed. I was overwhelmed by the deep sadness and pain I was reading in all the posts. My husband was concerned for me. I had not realized how debilitating and destructive our perceptions about ourselves and others could be. I have written before how I have gone through life doing things despite my weight and others reactions. I did not know how deeply in pain others were to have stopped living their lives. Reading your stories that you each had bravely shared with me and in the forum had cut to the core of my being.

The internet hiatus forced me to pull away almost completely and allowed me the space I needed to figure out why I was reacting so strongly. I reacted as I did as a child. My parents were in a lot of pain as were my siblings and I. Faced with great pain as a child I would shut down, eat and not take care of myself. I reacted the same way this summer. I was immobilized by the pain that I saw in others and that I connected in myself.

So armed with this new understanding of myself, I will venture again into the depths of OUR pain ready to work with it and hopefully after many battles I can win the war that will bring me my second greatest fantasy. After all, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And did I not win my first war with myself?

Dr Anderson responds to Heidi.

Heidi, once again you speak for so many of us food addicts. We want it “our way” and we get really upset when that does not occur. Here is your comment.

“The only way. I have thought about this a lot this week. There is no easy way; there is no difficult way: there is the ONLY way. What about my way? I feel a temper tantrum coming on. Why can’t I do it my way?”

Let’s go right to the point here. Who throws temper tantrums?????

Children. Right? This means, Heidi, that a child may be (often) in charge when it comes to your attitudes about weight loss…….and maybe other aspects of your life also. If that is true then it will be important to do 2 things.

1- Get to know that child. Find out, in detail, about her pain, her attitudes and her needs.

2- Take her out of the driver’s seat. No one would consciously decide to allow a child to drive a car. It would be a certain catastrophe. Therefore, you need to find a way to place her in the back seat in a car-seat (not out of the car). She is an essential part of who you are but she cannot be allowed to dominate or direct your life. In the best sense of the word, she needs to be appropriately parented.

Heidi, you are a new mom. Your daughter will be tantrum-age soon (18 to 36 months).
How do you plan to handle that?
Will you allow it?
Will you be dominated and manipulated by it?
Or will you make it clear to your daughter that tantrums are not acceptable behavior and that she can learn healthy and productive skills to deal with her dissatisfaction and frustration with life?

I assume that you will do your best to work towards the last option. So why not begin to teach the same lessons to your inner child? It can be done. In fact, it must be done. Your weight and your well-being depend on it.

How do you do that? Apply the 2 guidelines I mentioned above.

1- Do some journaling and explore a dialogue with your “tantrumy” inner child. Ask her about her pain and her needs and her frustrations and her anger. Once you have this information you and I can explore ways to heal and help her.

2- Make a decision, daily, to put your adult self in charge of your life. This is a conscious decision that takes practice but it gets easier as you apply it. Take pride in any forward steps you make with this.

Take a good look at the rewards and benefits of having an adult drive your life (as opposed to a child).

Make a detailed list of how this will affect every area of your life, work, relationships, parenting, weight loss, play/relaxation time and spiritual life. The benefits are tremendous and will include meaningful weight loss.

“I have decided to start over again.”

Heidi, this is a superb decision!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Superb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All food addicts must learn to have this attitude and make this decision over and over again. As I love to say to participants in my food addicts boot camp: “DON’T FALL DOWN AND GIVE UP. FALL DOWN AND GET UP”.

Or as my favorite poet Rumi said 700 years ago:

“Come, Whoever you are!
Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.
Come.
This is not a caravan of despair.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve broken your vow
A thousand times, still come.
And yet again, come!”

Rumi said it most beautifully and I say it bluntly. The message is the same. We all need to start again. And then again. Recovery from food addiction is not a process of despair. It is a journey of hope and healing that includes falling down and getting up over and over. There is much grounding humility in this lesson and it serves us in every aspect of our lives.

Finally, Heidi, you mention an insight about childhood and how it appears in the present. Wonderful! This is the path to self-awareness, healing and new behavior. We are all plagued with past experiences being activated in the present. This is one you and I can explore and help you change. Very good work!

Now, please do the homework I described above. You will find it very useful.

God bless you.

Dr. A