Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 8

I have been on hiatus from the forum for the last two weeks; unable to keep up with the postings due to our internet connection problems. I have not been on hiatus from weighing myself or from consciously struggling with conscious eating. I have not lost weight nor have I gained in the last two weeks.

It is so easy to take a backseat to my own recovery when there are so many other needs that have to be attended to. It is easier to care for others' needs than it is to focus and care for my own needs. I have to make me a priority, while keeping the baby's immediate needs met. This has been a challenge for me from the moment she arrived.

Truth be told, even before the baby, meeting my own needs was not a high priority. What others needed was usually more important. Part of my emotional growth the last five years has been learning to recognize what I needed and wanted and learning to speak up and get my needs met. I have made great strides in meeting my needs in most areas except for my food and exercise.

Every day I wake up I must make a decision. Just as I recommit to my husband every morning, so I must recommit to my self. Sometimes that recommitment to me must be made in a moment by moment basis. I struggle with that recommitment because I am always looking for an easy way out. The problem is that the easy way out has led to difficulties that are not easy to live with. I need to deal with the reality of my great mass.

Dr A responds to Heidi

Heidi, welcome back to the Internet. Thank you for another very honest journal entry. You made some very significant comments here so lets get to them.

“It is easier to care for others' needs than it is to focus and care for my own needs.”

This statement is a classic among food addicts (me included). There are many reasons we think and feel this way including family and religious directives. No matter where this attitude comes from we must consider it dysfunctional if we carry it too far. Caring for others is an excellent value. Caring for others and neglecting ourselves is neither wise nor excellent.

The truth about being so focused on other’s needs has a dark side to it. Those of us (I have been there myself) who frequently care for others at our own expense usually do it as a manipulation. We “care” for others in order to create a special image of us and also as a way to indirectly request or demand what we want. Our “selfless caring” then is not so selfless after all but a disguised technique for managing our world.

It is actually very difficult and often impossible to take care of others if we are not taking care of ourselves. Think of it this way. Imagine that you have a gallon of water and that you are in a desert with other people who have no water. You give each person a drink of your water. Soon you have no water. Your gallon jug is empty. What do you do?

Do you keep acting as if your jug is full and go through the motions of pouring water for the other thirsty people? Many of us food addicts live this way. We train those around us to wait, mouths open, for us to go through the act of giving even though we are dry to the bone. It is no wonder that we burn out or dry up. It is no wonder that we build resentment and frustration and then rush to comfort food to drown our pain.

Or do you find a source of water (nurture) and fill your own jug so that you actually have something to give to the others? This is what recovering food addicts must learn to do.

We need to learn to balance self-care with other care. Once we learn this skill we will begin to experience a new joy about our lives. Energy returns, frustration lessens, creativity increases and love flows more easily. Heidi, I know you can learn this.

Now to another comment.

“I struggle with that recommitment because I am always looking for an easy way out.”

Excellent comment! Once again you have nailed the classic food addicts attitude about how to handle life. The easy way out. Beautiful.

Heidi, I apologize in advance but I have to get a bit Zen with you now.

The easy way is the hard way. The hard way is the only way. Finally, the way is not hard or easy, it is simply the way.

Confused? Simply said, we all want the easy way because we food addicts believe that we can manage this world with a child’s attitudes and skills. We wish and even expect that a great parent would show up and hand us the easy solution to our difficulties. This expectation usually has its source in a dysfunctional childhood. We did not get the parenting we needed or wanted and we hope that the truly good parent will someday appear. So we live like a child in hopes that this perfect parent will see our need and rush to our assistance. It never happens.

Why doesn’t it happen? Why does the “easy way” never appear? Because we are meant to grow up and find that strength within our selves. Ouch! Hard stuff.

However, this is actually good news because we all have that strength. We really do. And with a little work (OK sometimes it takes quite a bit of work) we find it and it is incredible!

Heidi, you have a lovely little daughter. What will occur if you do everything for her? What will happen if you make everything easy for her? What kind of adult will she become? In fact, will she become an adult at all? Not likely.

So is there an easy way? No. But the way is not difficult either. It is simply the only way. We can choose to get on with it or we can stay stuck and suffer. Those are our only real choices. Looking for the easy way is the road to suffering. What road will you walk?

I made tremendous progress in my own recovery as a food addict when I faced and accepted this truth. It has made all the difference. I hope this conversation today will help you make the same decision.

God bless you, Heidi.

Dr. A