Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 6

I have spent the better part of the week in serious denial. I did not want to see whether I am black under my fat. I certainly was not interested in reflecting on what it would mean to be black under fat. So I told myself, all week: “I just misread the line, for goodness sake! It’s just one letter difference between blank and black! This guy is crazy!” I was pretty disturbed about it the day I received the response. The more I did not want to think about it, the more it came up. The wall was high and thick and there were no windows.

At the same time I have realized a very curious thing. In the last few days, I have had a strange and unfamiliar feeling come over me; a feeling or interest, perhaps even a desire to take better care of myself and my home. Even to the point of being energized by the feeling. So I have spent quite a bit of time taking care of things that I have put off for a long time; even doing little things to make our home nicer. Are these random occurrences? Or are they connected?

Today, reading last week’s response, all I can think about is the great abyss. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines abyss as: a: an immeasurably deep gulf or great space b: intellectual or moral depths. For me, I experience a deep and vast emptiness; one that “swallows” everything, even light. Sounds to me like a black hole and it has swallowed me.

I have had this nothingness for as long as I can remember. I can not think of a time that it did not exist. Where did it come from? Was I born with it? Is it something inherent in the human condition? Did someone give it to me? Did I create it myself? Why do I have it? Is it necessary? Does it serve a purpose? Can I get rid it? And if I can get rid of it, how in the hell does one do that?

What does this nothingness have to say to me? I do not know. Every week, it seems that I just come up with more and more questions. Never any answers. So I sit here in my nothingness, asking it to speak to me. I hear nothing. It offers nothing. But, I just realized this moment that it takes nothing as well. It just is. What if I could simply just co-exist with it, without trying to fill it up? What would that mean to me? What if that nothingness is just simply a part of my reality; a part of who I am? I do not even know what that means.

Dr. Anderson Responds to Heidi.

Heidi, your comments are, as usual, very interesting and especially courageous today. I did not tell you but I received the following email addressed to you last week in response to my comments about the blank-black Freudian slip.

“perhaps it was just a typing mistake. You cannot always read something into everything. Being hard on herself or having others say negative comments is never going to help her. small portions small portions small portions”

I don’t usually respond to such inane comments but this one got to me and I replied rather bluntly with...
“your brief response says volumes. You apparently have no appreciation for the incredible power of the Unconscious or of the difficulties that obese people suffer with weight loss. Your comment is totally surface and superficial and could not possibly be useful to Heidi.”

Heidi, your comments confirmed my concern and my decision: “So I told myself, all week: “I just misread the line, for goodness sake! It’s just one letter difference between blank and black! This guy is crazy!” I had a feeling that you would struggle with the idea of blackness and I did not want to add to your difficulty. I was actually surprised that we received only one email of this sort. Many people have little understanding or acceptance of the power of the Unconscious and their ignorance can be a great stumbling -block to those of us who are attempting to explore our own depths.

Then you report that something interesting began to happen to you.
“At the same time I have realized a very curious thing. In the last few days, I have had a strange and unfamiliar feeling come over me; a feeling or interest, perhaps even a desire to take better care of myself and my home. Even to the point of being energized by the feeling. So I have spent quite a bit of time taking care of things that I have put off for a long time; even doing little things to make our home nicer. Are these random occurrences? Or are they connected?”

The fact is that these occurrences are definitely connected. Your self-exploration and your even brief willingness to face the darkness, the blackness, began to energize your ability to care for yourself. Blackness that is not faced ( but exists in our Unconsciousness) often shapes how we relate to our selves and our world. It drags us down and drains our self-care energy and resolve. Once we face it, even a little bit, something shifts and we get a glimpse of how life can be if we truly work it through.

Yes, Heidi, the two things are connected. I have had many such experiences over the years as I faced, embraced and worked on my own dark spaces. I have also worked with many clients who have made the same journey and found the same results. Your enlivening experience can be sued as a reference point now. It is something real that happened. You felt it and you really experienced it. It is yours. It is a place of light and hope that you can hold on to when the blackness appears again.

As to your relationship with nothingness. Simply being with it is an excellent idea. Being with it and not running away into food. This will definitely have an effect on it and on you. This is something I imagine you have not done before. In fact it is something most people do not ever do (yes, everyone has a darkness or blackness within them). It is far too scary. But somehow you are finding the courage to approach it.

Your willingness to take the black-blank comment/slip seriously means that you Unconscious knew what it was doing when it brought it to your attention. Now we will work with it.

Here are some more questions to add to your list.

Have you tried to fill this blackness with food (in the past)?

Are you aware that nothingness is the source of all there is? Theologically, God created the universe out of nothing. Nothing (philosophically) contains everything. OK I won’t get too esoteric with this.

What is the difference between blackness and nothingness? Black is the operable word here.

Big Question: What would happen if you did begin to find answers?????????????? What then???????????

God bless you, Heidi.

Dr. A