Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 5

Imagine that your fat has been covering a large blank canvas.  As you drop weight you have more and more space to paint anything you want. What wants to be painted?

Each time I read the above comment, read “black canvas”, not “blank canvas”. I even read “black” when others referred to it in the forum. It was only yesterday that I realized what was really written. I find this quite disconcerting. Sure, at first the inclination is to shrug it off as not a big deal, just not paying close attention as I am reading. But I read it SEVERAL times; reflected on it; thought about it all week. And all week I thought my fat was covering a BLACK canvas.

So why is this so bothersome? Well, first of all, how does one paint on a black canvas? I was very bothered by that this week. What was HE trying to tell me? I suppose I could use white paint. But then what does that mean?

Then I realized my mistake. Why do I feel that my fat is covering a black canvas? Is that what I sub-consciously really think of myself? Why do I see black as negative? Could this be at the core of my issues? I have a VERY hard time believing this could be the case.

As I grew up, I had made a decision that I would not let my weight stop me from doing things. I tried out for cheerleading every year. I ran cross-country freshman year (never competed, but I trained every day for the whole season). I went to the beach and sailing no matter what size I was or what I looked liked. I have always had this attitude. Although others comments or looks might sting for a moment, I had learned at a very early age that it is a very human trait to talk about and comment on other humans. So I forged ahead.

This attitude has served me well and had the added bonus of making me, over time, a self-confident individual. I had learned that even if I did not feel confident at the moment, I would make it happen and do what I wanted or needed to do.

Dr Anderson responds to Heidi

Heidi, you have tapped into something here that may be incredibly significant. Here are some of your comments and then my responses.

How can I be self-confident and see myself as “black” or nothingness under all my fat? What is my subconscious trying to tell me? How can I even think of painting anything?

Each time I read the above comment, read “black canvas”, not “blank canvas”. I even read “black” when others referred to it in the forum.

Why do I feel that my fat is covering a black canvas? Is that what I sub-consciously really think of myself?

Heidi, the Unconscious is an amazing resource that most people pay little or no attention to. It tries to send us helpful messages in many ways including dreams, fantasies and sometimes in what we call Freudian Slips. Your Unconscious has offered you a gift here. It has created what can only be called a classic Freudian Slip. You read “black” where I had written “blank”. Your mind saw something that your Unconscious wanted you to see. Why? So that you would have an insight that would help your healing and your weight loss.

You see, your Unconscious knows that you have begun a serious journey for inner and outer change. When it gets that message it always, always, helps out. This slip, is actually a gift from the deeper part of you that contains great wisdom and healing powers. It is really important that you listen and explore this insight thoroughly.

Why do I feel that my fat is covering a black canvas? Is that what I sub-consciously really think of myself?

Heidi, you have been carrying around an entire extra body (200 pounds) for most of your adult life. That means that something significant is going on inside you. This slip may be a big clue to what has been happening.

What if you do see yourself as a black canvas? What could that mean?

It could easily mean (this is conjecture on my part, please explore your own ideas in depth also) that you feel completely unable to change because your medium, your canvas, cannot be easily drawn upon.

It could also mean that you have a pretty negative (black) attitude about who you are underneath the weight.

It might mean that you feel black inside.

It might mean that you use weight to hide from an inner abyss that frightens you so badly that you hide from it with weight.

The idea of a black canvas may mean additional things. Nothing I have said (interpretations) should be help as gospel here. You must search and find your own answers. Maybe something I have said will spark more insight. We can do this together.

I have an additional suggestion.

Use your imagination and imagine talking with the canvas, the black one. Here are a few questions to get you started.

When did you go black?

What gift do you have for me?

What is scary about you?

Why are you black as opposed to white or any other color?

How can you help me create an authentic self?

Heidi, I say again. Your Unconscious has given you a special gift meant to support your healing and weight loss. Work with it. The benefits will be worth it and so are you.

God bless you.

Dr. A