Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 3

“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” Carl Jung

What is it about boot camp that you cannot stomach?

What do you need to throw up symbolically?  We throw up to cleanse our systems of toxic material. 

What have you swallowed (mentally, emotionally) that makes you sick?

I cannot stomach being real.  I feel like the largest (pun intended) coward; my cowardice is in proportion to my size.  Being a coward is safe and easy.  I cannot believe I am at this point.  Why do I want to change?  Do I need to change?  Do I want to change?  I have a wonderful and loving husband; I have a healthy daughter; and besides my weight I am very healthy. What about the little kids that stare at me at the public pool?  What about trying to figure out if there will be any chairs without arms every place I go?  I pretend not to be desperate. I pretend that I can glibly continue on this path that I am on and that my life is good enough.  I pretend not to need this boot camp.  The wall is strong.

I have swallowed hook, line and sinker that my life is good enough and especially after last year my life is great.  I married the love of my life and had a great pregnancy and a healthy child.  I have a good job where I am respected and can “write my own ticket”.  I have everything I have always wanted: the happiest time of my life.  Yet, I gained a lot of weight in the last six months, and I was big already!  What is going on?  Do I simply exist in my comfort-zone, following long established patterns?  The wall is solid.

I need to throw up all my childish ways, attitudes and beliefs.  These child-like ways, attitudes and beliefs were swallowed a long time ago.  Although they served me then, they are only causing confusion and pain now.  Ten year old Heidi is “driving” my life.  She only knows how to make right hand turns and we keep going in circles.  How can I accept all this?  Until I do, nothing is going to change; I am not going to change.  The wall looms large.

I find it hard to eat consciously, period. It is more difficult in front of others because how does one focus on every bite while at the same time carry on an intelligent conversation?  If I am studying each bite, smelling and chewing carefully, then I am not listening all that well.  If I cared about what others thought about me, I would not be eating in public.  So then, how does one integrate this new behavior in a social setting?  The wall exists.

The wall: 100 foot high, 10 feet thick wall of resistance.  My wall is quite large, high and thick.  It is very safe.  I am protected from everything, good and bad.  More reflection on this next time.

Dr. A responds to Heidi:

Heidi, once again I am impressed with your honesty and rather blunt openness.  This will be a major asset on your weight loss journey.  I also love your quote from Dr. Carl Jung.  We cannot use condemnation, of ourselves or our bodies, if we are to be successful at long term weight loss or any other form of personal or spiritual growth.

You begin with a “right to the heart of the matter” statement.  “I cannot stomach being real”.  Heidi, what does being real mean?  Are you living an unauthentic life in some way?  Are you holding back your truth?  What aspects of Heidi are hidden and need, beg for expression?  And finally, What is so painful or difficult about being real?

Please take the time to really explore your answers to these questions. Your comment about not being able to stomach being real is extremely important.  Be respectful of yourself and your insights and give them time to tell you what they really want to say.  You have the ability to be very articulate, yet you give too brief answers.  Flesh them out (pun intended).  Give them the weight they deserve.  You may find that your physical weight will not have to reflect what you do not express verbally.

Heidi, a child does not know what to say.  A child has few words.  An adult is articulate and descriptive and thus powerful in her expression of what she feels and thinks and experiences.  You can do this.  Your realness, your authenticity will emerge if you take the time and the effort to self-express.  Remember, your life depends on this.

As to how good your life is.  Yes you have many wonderful people and things in your life.  You worked hard for them and you are reaping the rewards of your work.  Enjoy them!  I do not think your weight gain is related to how good your life is right now.  I think your weight gain is related to what you cannot stomach - being real.

Think about it this way.  Your child-like ways are not the real you.  You have been allowing those ways to drive some of your behavior and that is a way of being dis-honest with yourself and with your world.  You are not really a child.  You are a very intelligent, insightful, talented woman who has a wonderful ability to see what needs to be done and how to do it.  You are a woman of power who hides that power underneath the veneer of body fat.  Your extra weight is not who you are.  I think you know this and have some fear about admitting it but think what will happen when you do.

Imagine for a moment that you can take the “ten year old Heidi” and place her in the back seat of the car.  Who will take over the driving?  Make sure it is an adult part of you.  You do not have to get rid of the 10 year old.  You simply have to place her in the back of the car.  She may be happy there.  In fact, she may really enjoy being released from the overwhelming responsibility of driving.

Conscious eating.  For a while, make your eating more important than your conversation.  Talk or eat.  Do not do both at the same time.  When you talk, put your spoon down.  When you eat, stop talking.  You can learn to alternate between the two.

Yes, your wall is thick and tall.  It will be that way for a while.  If it dropped immediately you would panic and be totally overwhelmed.  Now is the time to be with it and explore how it protects you.  Then we can discuss how to create a door.  By the way, you will not have to destroy your wall. It is far too useful for that.  You will simply find a way to create a passage through it and then travel back and forth as you see fit.

Finally, I want to revisit an earlier comment.  Take to time to express yourself in more depth in these weekly journals.  You will find that answers come to you and that your progress will increase.  See it as a way to take yourself and your journey more seriously and as a way to respect what you think and feel.

God bless you, Heidi.  You are an inspiration.

Dr. A