Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 2

Kicking and screaming here, all week long.  Everything was hard; there was one obstacle after another.  The largest being my own self.  After all, is it not our own attitude and perspective for the most part that keeps us in our own muck?  I am not a complainer, yet I find myself wanting desperately to list for you all the difficulties of the past week.  Right now, I have a major headache and I am so nauseous, I feel like I am about to throw up.  No, I am not pregnant!  You see, every time I was able to sneak a few moments away from my baby or husband and read a few posts or emails I would get a headache.  I want to stop writing and stop thinking about this boot camp thing.

In fact, headaches and upset stomach seems to be my reaction to anything related to the boot camp!  Such reactions are all new to me.  I have always had a gut of rock; I could eat anything I wanted, as much as I wanted and I would not experience any negative physical reaction, aside from a "too full"€ feeling every now and then.  Upset stomach?  What's that?  I did not even have one day of morning sickness when I was pregnant!  Right now, as I write this, food has no appeal.  I never thought I would not be interested in food!

So I must be dropping weight like crazy!  No, that'€™s not happening because I go unconscious so I can eat.  I was unconscious for the majority of the week, not just to eat but with the assignments as well.  I have many excuses why I am not working the program as presented: the internet was down; the scale is still broken; we were on vacation and ran errands all last week; it'€™s too hard to eat consciously in front of other people; the baby wants attention or is crying.  Have you ever tried to focus on anything while a baby is crying?  It is damn near impossible!

So is there any hope?  There is!  First of all I am writing this article: a major feat!   Secondly, I have figured out that the headaches mean that I am actually engaged in this process.  I believe they are a symptom of my resistance to this new way of being.  Now the question what do I do with that?  What does one do with the 100 foot high, 10 feet thick wall of resistance?

There was one major success this week!  Once the internet was up and running, I was having a hard time being on the desktop computer in our little office alcove with the baby.  The area is difficult to baby proof and there is no room for her to crawl or play, so she wanted to be all over me and the desk!  That was stressful!  So, I had my father install a wireless network.  I now can connect to the internet on the laptop in our family room to read and write during the random moments the baby is playing independently.

Thank you all for sharing your words of encouragement and stories.  Our stories, our struggles and our joys are the same.

Dr. A Responds to Heidi:

Heidi, thanks for being so wonderfully honest.  I know you are saying things that are true for many food addicts.  Deciding to drop a lot of weight usually brings up many powerful issues that we all use food to avoid.  No wonder you feel nauseous!

I have quoted you below and then followed your quotes with my own comments.  I hope this is helpful.

"I am not a complainer, yet I find myself wanting desperately to list for you all the difficulties of the past week."€

Heidi, I know you are not a person who voices her complaints, however, it seems that you think them with great intensity.  I imagine that you eat to stuff them because you have some pretty strong judgments against complainers.  Does this make sense?

You made a good list of complaints above and you had powerful reactions to each one.  The difference this time is that you have written them down and have shared them with all of us.  That may be a contributing factor, ultimately, to weight loss.  The sharing (admitting it, owning it) should help you get release from the tension and keep you from eating to manage the feelings.

Now, given what you said about throwing up, I have a couple of questions for you.

What is it about boot camp that you cannot stomach?

What do you need to throw up symbolically?  We throw up to cleanse our systems of toxic material.  What have you swallowed (mentally, emotionally) that makes you sick?

Try writing your answers to these questions in your next article/journal.  We can explore this together.

Now for your next quote:

"It's too hard to eat consciously in front of other people"

What do you mean?  Why is it hard to be conscious "€œin front of other people?"  What are your concerns about what others think of you?

And finally your last quote:

"What does one do with the 100 foot high, 10 feet thick wall of resistance?"

Wonderful question.  It is the first and greatest question asked by everyone of us food addicts who have lots of weight to drop.

First I want to quote from my book THE PRAYER DIET.  This is the very first paragraph in the book and it always inspires me.  My favorite spiritual poet Rumi says,

"€œStart a huge foolish project like Noah.
It makes absolutely no difference
What people think of you."€

I suggest that you write this poem on a large piece of poster paper and place on your kitchen wall.  It helps me and I know it will help you.

Second.  Before you try to go over or through the wall, step back and admire how great and large it is.  It is YOUR WALL.  It has protected you for years.  It has tried to be your friend.  It is solid, grounded, deep and dense.  An army cannot cross it or break it down.

I suggest that you talk with your wall.  Yes, talk with it.  Ask it to tell you its secrets.  Ask it why it has appeared in your life and how it has been helping you so far.  Write down its messages to you as if you are writing down the words of God.  Your wall has something very valuable to tell you.  Stop resisting it and listen.  Eventually, it will tell you how to get through it.  First listen.

Heidi.  Thanks again for sharing so honestly and openly with us.  You are helping people you have not even met.

God bless you on your journey.

Dr. A