Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 1

I joined (well not joined, more like dragged myself kicking and screaming in a complete all out temper tantrum) Dr. Anderson's Food Addiction Boot Camp.  Now, why in the heck did I do that?  Why would I sign up for something that is going to push me, challenge me and give me many, many headaches that border on migraines?

Heidi the food addict.  What a difficult reality to write, let alone accept.  Yet, at 350+ pounds, how could there be any doubt?  A rational person sees it, understands it and does something about it.  But are addicts rational?  I certainly have not been for the majority of my life.  As a child, food was a rational response to an irrational family.  As an adult, attempting to live a rational life has been a challenge having not learned how a rational adult responds to rational and irrational life realities.  So, where's the food, my next fix?
I am 41, married and have a 7 month old daughter.  What am I going to pass on to my daughter?  More irrationality?  More confusion?  More pain?  She will encounter the the joy and pain of life just by living, so what joy and pain will I personally add to her "plate" of life?   And add I will, simply because I am her mother.  The answer is how am I living my life consciously or unconsciously?  In other words, how self aware am I?  The only path I now see to self awareness is reality.  Dealing with "what is", being real.

I am really weighing over 350 pounds.  I can not weigh myself at home because I have long surpassed the capabilities of my two scales.  I have to go to a store that has a machine that for a quarter I can weigh myself or get my fortune.  Hmm, which should I spend my quarter on?  Many times I wish I was there to read my fortune not because I really have no other choice where I can weigh myself.

I have already failed at my first assignment of boot camp: posting my weight on Monday.  When I finally was able to get to the store on Wednesday to weigh myself, the machine was broken.  I  must now try to figure out where I can go to weigh myself.  A month or so ago, I weighed 372, having lost six pounds from the month before: the current all time high of 378.  I have no idea if I have gained more weight or not.  At this size, a five or ten pound loss or gain is barely discernible.

Two years ago I weighed 395 pounds, lost about seventy, got married and had a baby.  Most people gain weight while they are pregnant.  I gained weight after she was born.  These fluctuations in my weight are simply the latest in a very long, long list of weight gains and losses through out my life.

So let's get real.  I have at least 200 pounds to lose.  Two hundred pounds.  Even writing out the number does not lessen the reality of it.  How am I going to do it?  Well writing about it seems to give me headaches and stomach pains that keep me from even wanting to look at food.  Even though the pressure of writing this kept the constant food discussion/arguements out of my head, I can not live like this indefinitely.  Besides, my husband did not appreciate the moodiness the headache and stomach pains have caused.  So I must come up with another plan.

First I must admit that I am an addict and need help.  Dang, I really hate writing that!  An addict?  Me?  What?  Not me!  Other people, sure I see it.  Not me, though.  I don't need help from anyone.  I want to do it my way.

This is the hardest part.  You have just met ten year old Heidi.  She sure is one tough little girl.  She has had to be.  Even though she figured out a way to make it through childhood without being drunk, drugged or sexed, she did not figure out how to be physically and emotionally healthy.  So she needs help; I need help.
Heidi the food addict.  Yes, that's me.  I am a food addict.  Food: my first love.  It's time to end the romance and get real.

Please email Heidi at DrA@DrAusa.com.  Subject:  Support Heidi and Boot Camp.