Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 24

The sort of spoiled you are exploring is a result of significant pain and is a kind of self-compensation for being deprived of what was truly essential. This spoiled is not caused by overindulgence. It is overindulgence as compensation for deprivation. But try not to beat yourself up for being "spoiled". It has been a powerful coping mechanism in your life.

(quote from Dr. A in #23)

I can not begin to express what a comfort it is to read those words. It is all that I have thought about since I first read them. I was truly baffled by my immature tendencies knowing that I did not have overly indulgent parents. I often thought perhaps they were over indulgent when I was very, very young and so therefore I could not remember that they had spoiled me. It has been a great mystery to me all these years. I would ask myself over and over why I would react the way I did to so many situations. I logically knew what I had to do and I even understood why it had to be done. Yet, I would choose something else over and over again. Why did I have such immature reactions and thoughts to so many things?

This was most prominent when it came to eating and exercising. All the internal battles I had with myself over this piece of food or that one. I want it. It's not good for you. But it tastes so good. But it's not part of your plan. But I can start the plan after. But that's not what you had planned to do; you need to lose the weight. I will lose it, after I eat that. And on and on and on it went. It was a freaking merry-go-round! It is a wonder I still had some semblance of sanity on most days. I hated those constant crazy arguments. I could never get them to shut up. Those internal discussions would consume me. I could hardly think of anything else. I suppose that is one of the reasons I always got involved in so many activities in high school and college. Being around people and doing things would give me a brief reprieve.

Eventually, I just decided to give up and eat whatever I wanted; it was the only way to lessen the craziness of the voices in my head. I know now that what I was feeling was so strong because I felt entitled to overindulge, so that I could compensate for the pain of being deprived of what was truly essential. But I am not being deprived now. I have so much love in my life; I am so blessed. So why do I still use my "spoiled-ness" as a coping mechanism?

Six months: this week is six months that I have been involved in this very unique process. It has been a very interesting journey. I would never have imagined it to have taken the twists and turns that it has. I never thought I would still be here chipping away at my internal chaos, one small chip at a time. But here I am. And although I am still losing weight, it is very slow. I suppose I am losing it as fast as I can tolerate it. I know there are many areas of the program that I am not working at all or very little. Perhaps with this new understanding I will be better able to apply myself to the program.

Dr. Anderson Responds to Heidi

Heidi, you said the following:

Eventually, I just decided to give up and eat whatever I wanted; it was the only way to lessen the craziness of the voices in my head. I know now that what I was feeling was so strong because I felt entitled to overindulge, so that I could compensate for the pain of being deprived of what was truly
essential.

You made a decision that is made by many, many food addicts. “it was the only way to lessen the craziness of the voices in my head.” Yes, for many of us food (our drug of choice) is the only way we know to lessen the craziness in our heads. We have no real choices to do otherwise until we do the sort of inner work that you have been doing for the last 24 weeks. It is no wonder that so many of us fail at dieting. We try to use will power to control the food and the voices and we drop a few pounds and then the voices take over and we run back to the drug for comfort.

I know now that what I was feeling was so strong because I felt entitled to overindulge, so that I could compensate for the pain of being deprived of what was truly essential.

Yes. Yes. Yes. You got it.

But I am not being deprived now. I have so much love in my life; I am so blessed. So why do I still use my "spoiled-ness" as a coping mechanism?

Your comment above is only partially true. I think you are still deprived but it is you that are doing the deprivation, not your parents. Think about it for a moment. How do you deprive yourself in the present? Do you really allow love in? Do you allow yourself to do things that are consistently nurturing to you? Or do you treat yourself the way you were treated as a child? What do you think, Heidi?

Yes, it is also true that you use your “spoiled-ness” as a coping device. It is a way you know who you are. It has become part of your self-definition. It will arise automatically in many areas of your life and you will act on it without awareness until you decide to root it out and make new decisions. As you become aware of it and create more appropriate responses you will slowly lose the old definition/guide and the new and more effective one will take precedence.

I never thought I would still be here chipping away at my internal chaos, one small chip at a time. But here I am. And although I am still losing weight, it is very slow. I suppose I am losing it as fast as I can tolerate it.

Heidi, you put the weight on one pound at a time. You are taking it off the same way. As to your comment “I suppose I am losing it as fast as I can tolerate it” you could not have said a more insightful truth!

It is a psychological truism that we all make the progress and changes that we can tolerate. Change is difficult to create and to tolerate, very difficult. We have to work at adjusting to it even when it is very positive and desirable. To quote the great poet Antonio Machado:

“Anyone who changes

even a little

Walks like Jesus

on the water.”

In a certain sense, Heidi, all change is a miracle, so have patience with yourself and celebrate the truly meaningful work you have and are doing. You have taken 24 steps onto a very stormy sea.

God bless you.

Dr. A