Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 23

Spoiled. I have realized that I am a very spoiled woman. Perhaps I was a spoiled little girl. I did not get what I wanted or needed and I have been acting out ever since. I have been thinking about being spoiled and acting out all week. It affected my homework. When I knocked on the door of my unconscious the door just opened. I went in and sat down. It seemed like space without stars or planets. It was a very big, very empty and dark. When I asked what deeper feelings it wanted me to know, all I kept hearing is “spoiled, spoiled, spoiled.” I do not know if it really was from my unconscious or just what I have been thinking about. I have to continue to ask my unconscious, especially before I fall asleep.

I have really been astounded by how immature I am. Since my perspective is that life is hard and it is not supposed to be that way, I can do whatever I want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. I deserve to feel good and if I can not get it from life, then I will get from food. What a little kid. The consequences of that perspective are far reaching and damaging, not just to my body but in all areas of my life. I have been playing small. When my students behave poorly or do less than what they are capable of, I tell them to quit playing small. I never have to explain it to them. They know exactly what I mean and they know it is an honest compliment about them. I have been playing small for a very long time.

To be fair to myself, this perspective arose out lessons I learned from childhood. The lessons became a well-entrenched perspective about life. The problem is these lessons, this perspective, are not valid in the adult world. I have been trying for many years to authenticate these lessons in the adult world and I just kept getting fatter. It has caused many hardships in other areas of my life as well: the child driving the bus. For a long time, I have been yelling “Get out of my way!!!!” and leaned on the big horn as I barreled through life.

So the connection I have made is: I am uncomfortable because I experience pain, sadness, anxiousness, fear, illness then I eat. I can not tolerate being internally uncomfortable; it seems externally I can tolerate a lot (small chairs, stares, bad shoes). But internally I can’t stand it. And I don’t have to put up with it, says the child. So I didn’t put up with it. I ate it instead. In other areas of my life, if I did not WANT to do it, I didn’t do it. I only do things when I want to do it or when I think it has to be done. This attitude has caused me conflict and embarrassment, and has affected how I have felt about myself. I am sure this attitude has also affected my professional life.

I am stunned at these revelations. I thought I had worked so hard to grow up and become a responsible adult. I learned how to pay my bills, how to keep a job and how to deal with people effectively. Yet, here I am in this mess in several areas. I am a child in how I handle myself and my most personal areas. Now I must bring these revelations to the table, so to speak. I need to be conscious of these revelations as I make my choices in how I live my life.

Dr. A Responds to Heidi

Heidi, your insights are becoming deeper and more courageous. Your honesty with yourself is increasing also. You can expect good progress from this level and quality of inner work.

Now lets explore what you shared today.

“Perhaps I was a spoiled little girl. I did not get what I wanted or needed and I have been acting out ever since.”

The kind of spoiled you are talking about is not a result of affluent privilege or an exaggerated sense of entitlement that came from overly attentive and indulgent parents. That was not your experience of childhood. The sort of spoiled you are exploring is a result of significant pain and is a kind of self-compensation for being deprived of what was truly essential.

This spoiled is not caused by overindulgence. It is overindulgence as compensation for deprivation. It is an excellent awareness on your part and you can assume that Yes, this message is directly from your Unconscious. Trust it. But try not to beat yourself up for being “spoiled”. It has been a powerful coping mechanism in your life. Now that you are becoming aware of it you can begin to make changes in how often you use it.

“I have really been astounded by how immature I am.”

Good point. You are stating something that 12-step (AA, etc.) programs have been teaching us addicts for years. The moment an addiction begins is the moment that our maturation process stops.

If we become an active addict at 10 years old and then go into recovery at 30, a part of us remains a 10 year old. We are then a 30 year old person with many of the reactions to life that a 10 year old would have. No wonder that we (food addicts) often feel as if life is too hard for us to handle and then run to food as a compensation or coping device. We are too often children in adult (large adult) bodies.

The good news here, the REALLY GOOD NEWS, is that it does not take 20 years to grow up (from 10 to 30). We can mature very quickly once we begin the recovery process in earnest, as you have.

Heidi, your task now is to continue to locate how and when you are having immature and “spoiled” reactions to life and then make more mature and productive choices. You are capable of doing that. You do have that ability right now. The solution is in 3 parts.

1- Recognize, admit, identify the reaction.

2- Choose a responsible and adult response.

3- Then act responsibly.

As you practice this 3-step process you will get better and better at it and the results will be immense.

“I have been playing small.”

Absolutely. No question about it.

I am shouting out loud right now!!!!

You are dead on right about this one!!!!!!

You have been playing small and your smallness has been reflected by the opposite in your body.

This may be the most important statement you have made in the last 23 weeks of journaling.

“I have been playing small.”

Yes. You have.

The operative word here, Heidi, is PLAYING. You have been PLAYING small.

You are not a small person. You are not insignificant, untalented and inadequate. You are not a child who is incapable of facing and handling life. You have been playing small but you are not small.

Thank you for realizing this. I hope you will remind yourself of this life-changing truth every day from now on.

“I can not tolerate being internally uncomfortable; it seems externally I can tolerate a lot (small chairs, stares, bad shoes). But internally I can’t stand it. And I don’t have to put up with it, says the child. So I didn’t put up with it. I ate it instead. In other areas of my life, if I did not WANT to do it, I didn’t do it. I only do things when I want to do it or when I think it has to be done. This attitude has caused me conflict and embarrassment, and has affected how I have felt about myself. “

Heidi, your ability and willingness to admit and face what you shared, in the quote above, is both rare and hopeful. Rare because most people (especially food addicts) never face themselves so courageously. Hopeful, because this awareness will never go away. Once you know it you will not ever forget it. You have identified a self-destructive dynamic in yourself and you will begin to make better choices because of it.

Now we can work on helping you learn to “be with” difficult emotions instead of acting/eating them out. Guess what that means? Weight loss, of course, but also greatly increased self-esteem and a much higher degree of effectiveness in your professional and personal life.
 
“I can not tolerate being internally uncomfortable"

This statement is a classic and prevalent truth about all food addicts. We gain weight because we cannot tolerate our uncomfortable emotions (internal experience) and we use our drug of choice (comfort food ) to change/alter them. Thus we get fat.

We cannot make progress with our addiction until we face this fact in just the way you are facing it. We have to tell ourselves (and others) the truth about why we eat addictively. Once we do that we free ourselves from the bondage of denial and are finally ready to do the inner work that will help us successfully manage our weight loss.

“I am stunned at these revelations. I thought I had worked so hard to grow up and become a responsible adult.”

You have grown up……externally. Do not discount that fact. The work you have to do now is internal. You have made major progress simply by recognizing this distinction. Now you can focus on what will make the biggest difference: Your internal process.

Now that you are bringing these “revelations to the table” you will find a new relationship to yourself, your inner life and to food. I am excited about your progress!!!

HOMEWORK

These exercises are simple but potentially powerful. Give them your best effort.

1- Describe how a particular part of your life will change when you stop playing it small. You can choose any aspect of your life. It might be work, your relationship with your husband, a friend, your physical exercise, your self-expression (stand-up comedy, etc.). Write 2 or 3 paragraphs in the first person.

Example: “I was playing it small with my stand-up comedy routine. Today I have decided to go all out with it. I will change my routine by adding…………….. I will also go all out by going to a local nightclub on open mike night and wow the group with my outrageous new routine.”

2- Decide today to be with an uncomfortable emotion until it changes, without using food as a buffer. Then write down your experience in your journal.

Now go for it.

Dr. A