Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 22

Why? Why do I eat too much? I eat to manage my feelings. I eat when I am anxious. I eat when I am tired. I eat.

This is the most difficult journal I have written thus far. I can not seem to comprehend the drive I have to eat to manage my feelings. Although now more than ever it is very clear to me that I have it. I no longer stop for food on my way home from work. Some days I do not even think about wanting to eat during my commute. Then the baby gets pink eye, my husband and I get sick and his job could be in jeopardy. So I am not feeling well, I am tired and I am very worried about my husband and our bills.

So these last two days I want to eat something, anything as I am driving home. In my mind, I go through the litany of fast food restaurants on my way home; it’s a long list, I have a 33 mile commute each way. As I seriously think about each place and analyze what they offer to eat, I disregard each one and decide that what they serve is not what I want. I end up not going to any food outlet and instead go straight home. I knew I was anxious and tired and ill and I just wanted to feel better. I realized that each of those places did not offer what I needed to feel better. I drank the bottled water I had in my car.

I can not explain why my behavior has changed; I can only tell you that it has. Maybe that is what has contributed to a two pound loss this week. It is very evident that the urge to self-medicate is very present to me. I realized today as I stopped by the faculty lunch room for the second or third time that I was secretly hoping that someone had brought in some treat or food to share: perhaps some birthday cake or finger sandwiches. I even experienced a let down when there was none. This must be a clear sign of an addict looking for a fix.

So what drives me to look for food? I have a theory: I think there is a multi-level tier of emotions that drive me to eat. There are the present, surface emotions such as tired, anxious or feeling ill. These feelings I can more easily acknowledge on a consistent basis. The second, third and all additional levels (however many there may be) are not as evident.

So the question for this week is: how do I access these other levels of emotion? What great pain is so hidden from my consciousness yet so plainly evident on my body? I do not know if I can access these areas hidden from me or what it is going to take for me to get to it. I must plow down a portion of my wall of resistance, just enough to gain access.

Dr. A Responds to Heidi

Heidi, even though you state that this week “is the most difficult journal I have written thus far”, you also indicate examples of some significant progress. I have listed them below so that you can embrace and enjoy them. Your patience and hard work are beginning to pay off. Hang in there.

1- I can not seem to comprehend the drive I have to eat to manage my feelings. Although now more than ever it is very clear to me that I have it.

2- I no longer stop for food on my way home from work. Some days I do not even think about wanting to eat during my commute.

3- I have a 33 mile commute each way. As I seriously think about each place and analyze what they offer to eat, I disregard each one and decide that what they serve is not what I want. I end up not going to any food outlet and instead go straight home.

4- I knew I was anxious and tired and ill and I just wanted to feel better. I realized that each of those places did not offer what I needed to feel better. I drank the bottled water I had in my car.

5- Maybe that is what has contributed to a two pound loss this week.

6- It is very evident that the urge to self-medicate is very present to me…This must be a clear sign of an addict looking for a fix.

Heidi, each of the 6 items above are meaningful examples of your progress. Some are behavioral ( changes in how you make decisions about stopping for food), one is about specific weight loss (lost 2 pounds!!!!!!) and some are about your internal process (which is crucial to your long term success).
 
You said, “I can not seem to comprehend the drive I have to eat to manage my feelings.” Yes, I understand that it seems complex and maybe even a little mysterious but you are doing the inner work and your actions are indicating a spontaneous change as a result. The thing to do now is keep doing the homework and practicing being aware of what is going on with you.

Finally, Heidi, your comments about the tiers of emotions (see below) are very insightful. You are correct. We all have more than one level of emotion and the deeper ones tend to be more intense and powerful and have a very significant effect on our ability to lose weight.

So the question for this week is: how do I access these other levels of emotion? What great pain is so hidden from my consciousness yet so plainly evident on my body? I do not know if I can access these areas hidden from me or what it is going to take for me to get to it. I must plow down a portion of my wall of resistance, just enough to gain access.

Your questions are essential: “how do I access these other levels of emotion? What great pain is so hidden from my consciousness yet so plainly evident on my body?”

Lets look at the “how to” question first.

“How do I access these other levels of emotion?”

I know this answer may seem a bit simple but it is a fact: You access your deeper self and the emotions that exist there by deciding that you want to know. The Unconscious is a mystery but one thing is clear to all of us who make an effort to get to know it: It responds to sincere seekers.

The Unconscious responds to sincere seekers. If you approach it consistently and with an open mind and heart it will respond with dreams, emotions, insights, ideas and synchronicity (an amazing appearance of people, things, events and occurrences that support your new direction). Certain exercises will help. I have described a couple in the homework below.

One more brief comment. Many individuals have little or no connection to their Unconscious. This is always and ultimately by choice. It wants to be our friend and wants to help us heal and find healthy, whole direction for our life. If we try to live as if it does not exist or trivialize it or ignore its messages then it will go underground and manifest in drives and behaviors (like overeating and addictions, etc.) that seem strange or unrelated to us. Most food addicts (in my experience) are people who have little awareness or appreciation of their Unconscious. Thus they all need a little help, encouragement and practice at establishing a relationship with it. You are making that effort and you are beginning to see results. More and better is to follow.

"What great pain is so hidden from my consciousness yet so plainly evident on my body?”

Heidi, you do not have an answer to this one……yet. But it will come in time. As we used to say in Gestalt therapy, “trust the process.” We have to respect your individual readiness for awareness and the insight and possible pain that may accompany it. Trying to go too quickly will cause unnecessary resistance and confusion in you. We are seeking a balance between your readiness and your resistance. You are making good progress towards that, especially in the last few weeks.

Your ability to make such a clear and self-aware statement/question indicates that you are on the right road. Yes, this journey is taking longer than you hoped or expected but you are moving forward each week. Trust that.

HOMEWORK

Sit in a quiet room and take 3 or 4 deep breaths. Close your eyes and imagine that you are at the door of a room. The name of the room is Heidi’s Unconscious.

Knock on the door and ask to be admitted. If the door opens go in and sit down.

When you are ready ask this question and wait for an answer.

“What is the next thing you want me to know about my deeper feelings?”

When you get an answer open your eyes and write down what you discover.

Try this exercise 2 or 3 times and see what occurs.

God bless you, Heidi.

Dr. A