Heidi's Food Addicts Boot Camp Journey/Journal - Week 21

I am at a loss for words this week. Although I have lost a pound this week, I have not made any significant changes. Well that’s not true. After eating less and less of it each week, I have completely stopped eating fried fast food the last two weeks. I seem to have lost my taste for it. I think about it and I think I want it. But I decide against it. If I have to eat a quick meal out, I prefer a small sandwich from Subway.

Conscious eating is still very inconsistent. And consistent exercise is nonexistent. I am the poster child for Rumi’s quote on breaking the vow a thousand times. Sometimes I ask myself why I am eating or why do I want to eat and it has been helpful to some extent. I need to make more changes or yank out all the issues that are driving me to eat.

What are the things that are driving me to eat? My husband asks me why I am going through all this: the weekly journal, weighing myself, time on the computer. He says that I could lose weight if I wanted to and do I really want to? Was I happy the way I am would I be happier if I lost weight? Just eat less and move more. I told him that he had not read any of my journals and he did not understand what this program was about. I told that I had to figure out what were my issues driving me to eat. So, he says, what are they? What is driving you to eat? I did not have an answer for him

I have been thinking about making a list of all the pros of being even just a bit thinner: moving around would be easier, fitting in small places would be easier, I would enjoy life more. There are many more positives to losing weight than negative. Yet, I do not apply myself to lose the weight or to the program. And even though my husband thinks I am lazy, I know that I am not. Therefore, there has to be something else at play. Why am I so blind to it? Is this still part of my wall of resistance? And if I am resisting, why do I keep coming back week after week?

I am sad that for as intelligent as I sometimes think I am, I have been unable to identify, let go or heal my pain; for to be as large as I am, I must have some very great pain. Thinking about all of this makes me very sad. I am discouraged.

Dr. A Responds to Heidi

Heidi, it seems that you are beginning to make some progress with your self-trivializing issue. This is excellent. Take a look.

Although I have lost a pound this week, I have not made any significant changes. Well that’s not true. After eating less and less of it each week, I have completely stopped eating fried fast food the last two weeks. I seem to have lost my taste for it. I think about it and I think I want it. But I decide against it. If I have to eat a quick meal out, I prefer a small sandwich from Subway.

Heidi, losing your taste for fast food is a gigantic accomplishment. I am very happy for you about this one given how fattening and unhealthy most fast food is. Something must be changing in you and that something is having an effect on your harmful eating habits. Can you imagine the long term effect of never eating fast food again? It would be massive. So hang in there with this one. Congratulations!
 
Conscious eating is still very inconsistent. And consistent exercise is nonexistent. I am the poster child for Rumi’s quote on breaking the vow a thousand times.

Yes, conscious eating, just like conscious living, is something that takes practice. We all do it badly at first. But the payoffs are tremendous so keep working at it.
 
What are the things that are driving me to eat? My husband asks me why I am going through all this: the weekly journal, weighing myself, time on the computer. He says that I could lose weight if I wanted to and do I really want to? Was I happy the way I am would I be happier if I lost weight? Just eat less and move more. I told him that he had not read any of my journals and he did not understand what this program was about. I told that I had to figure out what were my issues driving me to eat. So, he says, what are they? What is driving you to eat? I did not have an answer for him.

Heidi, my first reaction to the comments above was to be angry at your hubby. His remarks are insensitive and very uninformed. But upon more reflection I have a different response. His question to you about what is driving you to eat is excellent. The fact that you did not have an answer is significant.

Heidi, why at this point are you unaware of what drives you to eat? Given the number of conversations we have had about this it is surprising that you had no answer for hubby. Something is going on here that is crucial to your weight loss. You are a highly intelligent woman (I am not exaggerating here) and yet you have no answer. Why not?

I suggest that you re-read your journal notes and my responses and see if you can begin to piece together and answer that makes sense to you and then to hubby. Being clear about what drives your weight loss will be a giant step towards recovery and weight loss.

Therefore, there has to be something else at play. Why am I so blind to it? Is this still part of my wall of resistance? And if I am resisting, why do I keep coming back week after week?

Heidi, you are like many of us. We have conflicted motivations. We consciously want to progress and we unconsciously want to stay stuck. The battle is intense and often confusing. Do you want to lose lots of weight? Yes, I believe you do. Do you also have an unconscious resistance to the process and work it requires? Yes, that is evident also. Your task is to tolerate the tension until something causes a breakthrough. That could occur today or next month, I don’t know. But it will come if you keep up the work.
 
I must have some very great pain. Thinking about all of this makes me very sad. I am discouraged.

Yes, Heidi, you do have “some great pain” and food has been your way of dealing with it. Given the amount of weight you have to lose, it is my best guess that the pain is in proportion to the weight. I know this might sound scary but it also explains why it has been so hard for you to drop the weight. We do not create 200 extra pounds of weight on our bodies without a very good reason.

This point is so important (for you and for anyone who reads this who has weight issues) that I want to repeat it.

We do not create 200 extra pounds (or 75, 100 or 150 lbs) of weight on our bodies without a very good reason. Large amounts of excess weight do not just happen to us in a vacuum. We also do not do it because we are lazy or simply lack self-discipline or because we just “like to eat”. These explanations are naïve at best and hurtful at worst. They offer no useful help to any food addict and usually just contribute to more self-hate.

It is clear that most of the weight loss industry does not understand the real causes of weight gain either due to their 95% failure rate at long term weight loss. Out ask then is to look as deeply as we can for the underlying forces that drive our addiction. Is this difficult? You bet it is but inner work is, in my opinion, the only meaningful way to manage this most difficult of addictions.

If you keep these thoughts in mind as you struggle with your resistance, you will be more able to keep your spirits up and also maintain a healthy level of compassion for yourself. Both are essential to the journey you have so bravely undertaken.

OK, now please re-read the journal entries and see what you can learn about what drives Heidi to eat.

God bless you, Heidi.

Dr. A